Silence in Disillusionment


I’ve attempted to write this post about a dozen times now.  Maybe more.  I don’t know.  The words aren’t coming out right.  It feels like there is nothing to write and everything to pour out, all at once.  There’s this battle going on inside myself between what I want to write, what I should write, and how to convey all of these thoughts.

I’m just going to blurt it out.  My blog, my rules.

This has started at work and with blogging lately.  For some unknown reason, I’ve been getting the feeling that I’ve been talking about myself too much lately.  I’m not self-absorbed, at least not in the way that my interests and motives orbit my being.  People seem to give me these blank stares of intense disinterest when I’m relating a situation to them.  The objective is to relate to someone else, not grant my pity.  I feel strongly against pitying people.  It’s insulting to some and enabling to others.

This has been the case with my blog, I’m sure.  I don’t often look at my stats, and when I do, it’s only to see what topics are the most popular.  If I’ve run a topic out, say about my upcoming surgery, then I’m done with it.  There is all that is to be said on that front, and I move along.  My stats are consistant with days that I write, and there is no immediate drop off.

However, there is no dialogue.  This is not incinuating that every post sparks something within each reader that makes it relevant and interesting.  If there is nothing to be said, then so be it.  But, I’m not running a blog to whine about my life.  It was never my intent to create a blog that dissects every situation and magnifies it to intensely overdramatic levels.  My objective was to become relatable in my trials and tribulations.  That does not to seem to be the case.  At least, not to me.

It seems that my comments and insights into other blogs are not enjoyed and in certain occasions, seem less than welcome.  It was my assumption that I was among a community of bipolar bloggers, to say the least.  I’m sure there is a mishmash of alphabet soup among us, and I can accomodate that.  Perhaps, I was mistaken in certain aspects of how these relationships work.

My goals were simple.  First and foremost, write a blog for me.  As my reader base increased, I had decided to narrow it down to important topics in my life.  As the community grew, I attempted to welcome everyone with open arms.  I was pretty sure everyone started their own blog with similar objectives, so my next goal was to provide insight and occasionally suggestions to other writers.  And finally, to bring our community closer together.

Maybe I was wrong, and I’ve failed in some fashion.  Or, I’m delusional with depression.

That’s what I wanted to write, sort of.  I wanted to include something to the effect of my suspicions of an on-coming depression, that is coloring this entire ordeal in my mind.  But, that can wait.  It’s not something I’m considering dissecting at the moment.  I am too disillusioned to be remotely objective.

I’ll write when I’m ready.  Whenever that is.

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11 thoughts on “Silence in Disillusionment

  1. You’re right that your thoughts at the moment are likely related to the start of a depression/negative-thinking cycle, but, also, this: I too, wanted to start my blog for similar reasons in relation to the Bipolar Community… I look at my stats, and wonder how I could have had so many page views yet no comments. If I’m depressed, then, I see this as a failing on my part – like you I wonder if I have talked too much about myself & if others simply aren’t interested – I become paranoid. But, when I am feeling more level-headed, I realise that this isn’t the case – I often read other blogs without commenting, sometimes because I am rushed, but other times because I just enjoy the reading, without having to give too much of me at that moment – I read a lot of blogs when I am down, and actually, just the reading is therapeutic… Perhaps the readers of your blog are doing just that… Or simply don’t know WHAT to say?

    I think you’re doing a great job with what you write, and there must be many people out there with Bipolar Disorder, who, like myself, take comfort in realising they’re not alone.

    Hannah X

    • My boss once gave the entire staff this advice about a DPW visit, “If they’re looking for something, anything, they’re going to find it.” What she meant is that if someone is looking hard enough for a flaw or a snag, they will examine everything under a microscope, and even the smallest fracture will set things in motion.

      Depression and delusion go hand-in-hand for me. I’m very glad that I have a community of wonderful people where I can dial these things back. It helps break the cycle. If somehow, my brain considered that to be true, the next step would be to correct that. How can a person possibly go to the other end of the spectrum and eliminate all narcisstic qualities? They can’t. It’s impossible to be entirely altruistic. Therefore, I would have failed and considered myself to be self-involved, and the self-loathing would kick in. Then, I would move to another character flaw and magnify it. See the vicious cycle?

      I’m relieved that I can serve as an inspiration. Not only do I find blogging theraputic because it puts my voice and myself out into the world (even anonymously), but to have the ability to change lives, provide solace and cammaraderie, makes my trials and tribulations worth it. It gives this whole thing meaning when before, there was none.

      Thank you.

  2. But Lulu, I LOVE you blog. I read every post you put up. I will definitely make sure to hit the “post comment” button more. I usually try to write up a comment, but I feel that my thoughts are inadequate to really lift your spirits. You’ve been going through so much that I cannot properly relate to. So instead I just hunker down and decide not to say anything. I’m just 22 after all, I don’t have that much to say yet.

    I also hope that whatever this depression does to you, it doesn’t convince you to stop writing.

      • James, chronological age means nothing, especially here. Chronologically, I’ll admit, I am not that much older than you. My gauge of age is by emotional age and life experience points. Don’t worry, I consider us equals. The only difference between us in life experience is that you have had more severe symptoms than I have, you are at a higher educational level, and I am married with a child.

        Your thoughts and support are more than adequate. They are genuinely appreciated and really do make the difference in my life. Thank you for being here.

  3. I can’t speak to your work environment, but as far as your blog, you certainly do not talk or focus too much on yourself. You may talk about yourself, but not in a myopic, self-absorbed way. You don’t whine – far from it! – you are not overly dramatic. And you certainly aren’t your only topic.

    You and I semi had this discussion before, only it was my frustration about people “ghosting” on my blog. I have several theories. The first is that those of us that do blog about things like bipolar, and who blog with absolute honesty and without holding back, scare people and fascinate them at the same time. I don’t mean in a voyeuristic manner, either. I mean others facing the same challenges who may be looking for someone with whom they can relate. They find that in you, and it’s almost too real. They want to keep up, because you interest them on a human level, and you let them know that they are not alone in feeling the ways that they do. But they are not yet (and may never be) ready to engage in a dialogue with you about it.

    There is likely a deeply ingrained fear of taking a sort of first step to “outing themselves,” even unintentionally. I also think that such a level of honesty as you present leaves many with a feeling that they don’t know what to say, that they cannot be that brave (in their minds, in my mind bravery is relative), so they say nothing at all.

    But stats do speak for something. I’m not saying to hyper-focus on them, but it isn’t like with every post a grip of new people have discovered your blog. The same people keep coming back and reading, which means they find what you are writing of value, even if they don’t say anything to you directly.

    As far as your comments on other blogs, well I always find value in the ones you so kindly write on mine, and I often read the ones you post on blogs we both frequent. But you do have to remember with bipolar and other things, people can be highly reactive and easily triggered. They may read what you write on one day and write back something they wouldn’t on another day. And you write about the potential in yourself for oncoming depression. Perhaps sometimes the way a comment is worded may seem unwelcome because of the wording, and because your filter and judgment are compromised by your moods. I guess I always assume if people are not deleting, and further responding to my comments, they want for me to make them, even if we may not be on the same page.

    As for your desire to “. . . to bring our community closer together.” Lulu, you have already accomplished that on so many levels! There would be no A Canvas Of The Minds without you. I may have figured out the how, but I did it because you inspired me so with this incredible idea. I know I feel frustrated sometimes that it’s still so fledgling, and I accept that it could fly or it could flop. But just like babies take a long time to grow, so do projects like Canvas, and I intend to keep putting my heart into it until someone officially calls to me a time of death.

    Don’t lose hope, Lulu. We made a promise to each other in the beginning, when we connected and “met” as bloggers, do you remember? It was basically, “I’m in if you’re in.” You may be better, especially lately, about holding up your end of that, but I’m still in. Don’t leave me here without you. You are my most constant and strongest support. I need you to help me keep going.

    • Ruby,

      That’s the way I feel about Fish. He’s my Obi-won Konibi. I’m his Princess Leah. Er, let me amend that. I’m more like Jabba The Hutt. We met in 1973 or so. He has made bad decisions. And I have also. Our writing, minimal as it has been lately, keeps us on track. My of wife 45+ years has put up with shit that, in these days, would have put me in jail.

      All you Need Isn’t Love, what ever the Beatles told you. But it sure helps.

      I think one picks one loves, sometimes, and if you’ll include me, I’ll love you and The Dream Team too You don’t seem to fear love, or other emotions, and, who knows, we might be friends forever. Or Is This Only A Dream, another old song which comes to mind.

      Good Night Ruby.

      Yes, I’m high. On life! Apres le deluge!!!

      Jonah

      • Jonah,

        Spend a month or two with me (via interwebbing) and you may rescind that offer. I’m not really the easiest person to deal with, even in a sea of difficult people, even on a good day. And you’ve hit me during a particularly rough patch.

        Time and tide. . .

  4. Hey, Babe. {its just the way I write. no disrespect intended.] Been there, done that. And I’ll be do it again if my history holds true.

    You are important to ME! You’re the first person I met on the web who really KNEW “it”. About being an aware bipolar. You do NOT whine. You examine. You are a researched of the mind and the soul. Freud was such a researcher, although he got a lot of it wrong. We [I’ll include my self, although I’m only a newbie] are trail-blazing along the path of self-awareness. Our ‘selves’, our wounded selves, are our miners’ headlights in the darkness Do you think I write like this if I didn’t love you.

    Cool down, Jonah. Coooolll Down!

    I used to watch late TV in New York, in the 60’s. There Jimmy Swaggart-like minsters and I would mimic them. After awhile, I started to believe that shit. Go Figure? Now, although I am Jewish, I do believe in mystical healing. I can’t heal you. But the group, which loves you, can!

    Be Open. You are Wise and Blessed. Yourself will guide you. As will we.

    Jonah

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