Everything becomes so crystal clear that it becomes transparent. I can see right through people. I can anticipate their reactions to every potential action of mine. And worse, I can set up a nice little verbal trap for them to step into.

I caught myself doing this recently. Being viciously manipulative out of paranoia. I rewound the footage in my own head and couldn’t believe it. I don’t lie. I don’t play games. I’m pretty blunt.

“And that’s your biggest failing.”

“It is, isn’t it?”

“You set yourself up. You are an open book. Everyone can puppet you, because you leave all of your string hanging in plain sight.”

“I am in plain sight.”

“Always in the crosshairs. You don’t want to let people get away with their lying and their schemes anymore, do you?”

“No. I can’t go on like this.”

“I didn’t think so. All of this time – complacent. Docile. Just like they have always wanted you to be. Caged. Boxed. Easily manipulated.”

“How can I be complacent if I am not happy?”

“You’re not happy, because you’re just starting to wake up.”

F – U – C – K.

All of the puppetmasters clicked through my mind like a camera. Mom. Click. Dad. Click. Beck. Click. Avi. Click. Nearly everyone I’ve even let come remotely close to me. Honesty, to the point of painful bluntness, had always been a point of pride. And now, I find it twisting into some grotesque version of virtue.

I stumbled into a crime drama, who-done-it mystery. Except, if it wasn’t a gross oversight on my part, letting my son put the seat up, it wasn’t really a mystery.

I have my reasons, and they started to come together. There are his unusual work hours. But, his hours do waffle around a bit. His unusual, almost purposeful absences and distance from me. Uncharacteristic behaviors. Reckless. Irresponsible. Thoughtless. Inattentive. Immature. Stoic. Silent.

I stood in the shower Wednesday, where I get all of my best ideas. We have become that couple in the restaurant.

Our favorite past time is people watching. When we were newly together, we made a game of it. Guess what situation the couple is in.

There was a few characteristic ones. The bad first date. The awkward third date, where neither one is sure whether they are going to have sex at the end of the night. A young couple that absolutely hates each other.

And then, there was the couple where neither party said a word. And if they did, it was polite, but mostly unwelcome conversation. The silent couple. Any age. Didn’t matter. You could tell they wanted to be anywhere but in this forced, ritualistic situation.

We haven’t had sex in over two weeks. I’ve lost ten pounds. He doesn’t even look at me. Each time I attempt to touch him, he recoils and makes an excuse; I have a headache / stomachache / gastrointestinal problems / muscle ache, et cetra.

But on Tuesday night, I played detective. Nothing particularly unusual. With two exceptions. Two weeks of data, call logs, text messages, it was all gone. And there was a wealth of seconds long phone calls to a certain number during work hours. A number belonging to three friends.

I had guessed it was likely Finn. They had probably contacted one another to get on chat. But, it was still a slap in the face. There were days I had been in serious crisis. And my texts, calls, and emails went unreturned. Days where I really needed him. Those days, I had to suck it up, and pathetically pull myself up by my boot straps.

I didn’t worry to much about the missing data. I could access it in the morning, via internet. There was nothing left I could do, but brood, stare and obsess. I carefully pulled a temazepam capsule partially open and swallowed it. In an hour, I fought to stay awake longer than him. I intended on moving to the sofa.

In the morning, I sifted through his email pretty thoroughly. Old horoscopes, some graphics from work, a picture or two. The archives? This and that. And most of my emails, completely unread.

Fuck you.

I will never take the time to send an email or text again. Not even an obligatory text to mention that I’m moving about my commute safely. In fact, he’ll be damn lucky if I answer his calls on his breaks anymore.

But, his disposition remained as cheery as ever since the blantant accusation. Someone has a secret.

The truth? The ugly, gnarled truth about Wednesday afternoon? I threw that chair over into a wall. It broke one of the plastic casters. I dumped the laundry basket and I smashed it off of the wall, shattering the bottom right out of it. I stomped the metal poles that laid there, and broke the blacklight bulb. I cursed God. For the first time in my life.

I lied about the damages, not wanting to have to go through a lengthy and embarrassing explanation. Mostly, I didn’t want to take shit for it. I acted out. Better there, in the silence (T.D. was not present) and safety of my own home than anywhere else. Better my belongings than that of another.

And in no way would he be able to understand or forgive. We’ve been to less extreme places than this. A black mark on my record. Something despicable. A lengthy lecture on decorum and the value of said property.

I can take enough of that from myself. I did, as I zoned out on the train to work.

Today, I caught myself bearing my teeth instead of smiling. My posture is changing to where I am standing tall, leaning forward, and removing my arms from wrapping around myself. I am no longer on my usual defensive.

I am aggressive.

I am (hypo)manic.

Am I psychotic?

15 thoughts on “Lulu-Lunacy

  1. We all have a self defence inbuilt thing that happens the fact you are able to recognise your being vindictive, and manipulative is a good thing rather than a bad,
    getting to know the most important person and being 100% honest with that person are the two hardest things we do as human’s
    that person is ourselves. ((((hugs))))) you are strong,

    you will get through this stage, in order for you to move on,

    take baby steps and keep going honey your doing better than your able to see right now……xxx

    • Any intentional manipulation from me is strange. I don’t do it on purpose. Most of the time, it will come off as a passive-aggressive self-defense mechanism. Kind of like you said.

      I need information. And I intend on getting it out using any method I can, short of Chinese water torture. It’s driving me mad, to the point of being physically ill at times and waking up in the night. I have to know.

      And if it’s something benign, I might be a little upset at this point. Last night, I mentioned a connection between diabetes, mood swings, alcohol cravings, and candidas. I already knew the connection between blood sugar and mood. I learned that as a symptom in pediatric first aid. (Certification). But, it’s all adding up.

      So, he mumbled, “We can’t afford that.” It’s not a question of finance! And then he refused to talk about it. After dinner, after our son was in bed, he was poking around the internet, researching my suggestion. Although he wanted to tie it to alcoholism – oh, FML, I know what this is about… I’m not sure, so I won’t talk about it yet.

      Anyway, he was more inclined to try to tie it to some kind of alcoholism, although we only have a vague idea of what addictive behaviors are present in his dad’s family. I have to wonder why he doesn’t want to investigate some compelling evidence about potential diabetes.

      I get some of it. No one wants to face the fact that they might have a lifelong disease that greatly affects the quality of life. If anyone around us understood that, it would be me and his mother. I know that it’s scary to face something so serious, because I avoided a surgery to get rid of cancer for six months.

      So, I don’t know. But, I do have some ideas I’m really wanting to investigate.

  2. the last thing you want is to be the bad guy here. He must not know that you found out secrets by searching purposefully.. This is where your manipulation skills should start. manipulate his works. Make him practically say it himself

  3. You’ve got a good sense about your own situation and probably don’t need external validation, but I still find myself respecting you immensely for your self honesty. We should all try to be so clear about our own motivations and cycles.

    Speaking of cycles, and if you don’t mind me asking, how long does a manic cycle last for you?

    • Anywhere between three days to three weeks. A lot of things play into it. Sleep is the biggest factor, and if I’m missing it, then I’ll keep perpetuating this.

      Now, this manic fit blindsided me. Missing sleep is my first clue. I wasn’t. In fact, I’ve been going to be earlier than usual and sleeping through the night. Well, up until now. Now, I’m just not sleeping entirely through the night.

      I know what sparked this one. It’s the same thing that turned my last hypomanic episode into something paranoid and almost psychotic. There’s a supplement I was taking the last time. I wasn’t sure which one did it.

      Now, I am. I started taking that supplement as a substitute for another one. It’s all for memory and neurological functions. All of the BP meds take a lot away from me in terms of memory. So, I ran out of my usual supplement and thought it would be safe to take this one because I wasn’t taking any other neurological supplement.

      Wrong. I was talking with my husband last night about it. I’ve been off of it for almost a week, and my body and my brain are still detoxing. Apparently, it makes him paranoid, too. I asked if it made him psychotic, but he told me he wasn’t sure. I understand. Psychosis isn’t something you can always point at.

      I’m getting better. It’s not all gone, and maybe it’s always kind of there. I don’t know. But, I am feeling more in touch with reality than I was at that point. Which may mean I’m coming out on the other end of this.

      Or not. It’s difficult to know sometimes. It’s kind of like riding a rollercoaster with your eyes closed. Unless you’ve already ridden the coaster dozens of times, you can’t know what’s coming because you’re only going by sensation.

  4. Self-deception is a powerful enemy. It’s great to see you being open with yourself. If we were all honest with ourselves, we would understand that we all manipulate others to some degree. No one’s perfect in this regard. We just have to make sure we keep this manipulation pointed toward good ends, and, when possible, without taking advantage of others. As always, my chat door is open.

  5. I’ve been inattentive [is that even a word?] and I’m sorry.

    My wife and I have been like cats and dogs against each other since to move. We would go off into our corners in the old place…but in the NEW place, we haven’t found the corners yet. So we’re banging into each other constantly. She’s said unspeakably mean things to me. And I’m being “snappy”…everything I say has a little diacritical marks on it. NEENER, NEENER this and NEENER, NEENER that!


    It’s got to end.

    But how!

    Keep tuned for further developments.

    The “other”

  6. I sometimes find myself thinking very aggressive thoughts, but only briefly. Of course, I really have been diagnosed with psychosis. I’m sure the last thing you need is more advice, but I wouldn’t let it stress you out too much. Not in this stage. Be aware of it, and watch it, but don’t worry too much, because it will pass.

  7. Pingback: I’m Going To Give All My Secrets Away « As the Pendulum Swings

Any thoughts to contibute?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s