I wrote this for my husband, a year after we got together. This is our story.
When one door closes, another opens.
And occasionally it occurs as overlapping events, rather than simultaneously. Such is the nature of life, with its interwoven fibers amounting to the gorgeous flowing fabric. We are the sum of our actions and the resulting events. But it’s not so simple. The seeds were strewn about our fields throughout a long period of time, lodging themselves deep into our soil. Then under the right conditions, they emerged to the surface to the light of day.
The winds of change can scatter and confuse time, and when we awaken, years have passed without a whisper on the lips of consciousness that this was this but now is that. When we awaken, like moles into the sunlight, scratching for vague patterns of our new reality, we are left with grins or grimaces. I could not say that I grinned or grimaced, for I smiled – breathing in the air and beauty that surrounded me. – C.S.
His accent was intoxicating. His stories were enchanting. His facade was alluring, but it wasn’t enough to disguise the man underneath. It wasn’t a question of where he had come from or what he had done, but more of our interactions. They were flawless like ice crystals, solid in structure but liquid all throughout. We anticipated each others responses. No one person had such an intricate and complete understanding of me. The seeds of our affections were sown. And yet, we were blind to it.
Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve – – – words that often arise when hindsight comes into perfect focus. Had I not been so engulfed in my failing relationships, I could’ve realized it.
The purging had ceased, inebriation started to fade while the sun battled his way above the horizon. The first dim morning rays crept into the room, scarring the darkness into hiding. Innocently entangled in one another, grappling for a certain reality that remained just shy of our reach, we breathed in unison. Our voices were so low that the breeze seemingly whisked our words away, leaving only remnants in my memory. What only remained was his gentle baritone murmur in my ears and the soft vibrations against my chest. However, one managed to sound loudly in my mind.
I want to make love to you . . .
Stunned. Paralyzed. I want to make love to you too . . . – stifled far too soon. It wasn’t the phrase. It was the sentiment.
Beside me, pressed so tightly our hearts could echo one another. An invisible orchestra played between our natural sounds. Each breath was the cymbal crash against the skin of my neck. The trembling baseline was his voice and body swirling with my soprano melody. Locked together in this eternal waltz, our instruments impeccably played on. Beside me, inside me, we were unified.
All in the firing of one synapse, one millisecond, one singular possibility.
I ached. To feel his bare flesh against mine. To be absorbed into the depths of his soul. To possess every last part of his being.
But damn logic right to the depths of hell! My mind twisted and bent into a steel cage around my heart to protect my already compromised structural integrity. I had been a victim of love, complete with open, festering war wounds. I was not yet ready to allow anyone the opportunity to victimize me once more, for better or worse. Code Red! Lockdown! I rationalized our emotion away like birds into the sky. And it was smothered before seeing the light of day.
I could’ve made love to him . . . if I had been more intoxicated. If I had my inhibition stripped and alarms silenced. I would’ve granted him access to my heart, had it not been in such a critical state. And despite these things, I should’ve taken that impossible leap of faith across that great chasm.
And that was the last time I saw him clearly for nearly six months. However, unbeknownst to us, affections simply don’t dissipate because you will them to do so. But tactics – distraction, false rationalizations – can be instituted in order to subvert the truth.
Silence, with the exception of our constant dialogue like a clear flowing stream. It was never the conversation that was important, but rather the continual contact. We caressed each other through discreet discourse, as if our words were hands searching each others’ darkest secrets. Outright confessions would’ve been too forward and obvious. Physical displays would certainly be condemnable. Our verbal intercourse continued, flying low under the radar as an innocent act of friendship of which even we were both eagerly convinced it was.
There are moments were feelings and situations are clearly defined, even if they aren’t noticeably bolded or otherwise visibly highlighted. Our book was clearly still in it’s early chapters.
His bare bedroom walls were soon filled with the colors of our affections. Even the air was different, crackling with a indescribable high voltage energy found between new lovers. And yet we were not. We needn’t have discussed it; it was merely understood. Perhaps, if we spoke it aloud that would make it real, holding us responsible for our every unconscious exchange. Our gaze met and dropped and met again, like a spark between live wires.
Chronos smiled, freezing time for us, and only us. The night stood still, permitting us to slip between the cracks of space and time. We defied the continuum without breaking our bonds. And for those moments, we were more than just two solitary entities inhabiting the same space. We were the space; we were each others’ thoughts, voices, and breaths.
My head swam and as quickly as we exchanged words, they had gone like whispers in the bitter, but beautiful winter breeze. Time began once again, the second hand beating ferociously, creating a terrible sound in my mind like gunshots on a battle field. My heart swelled until it nearly choked the breath of life from me. I was numb from the excitement yet mourning the loss of what never was yet might have been. In another place, in another time . . .
Responsibilities and duties rooted us in distant lands, desperately apart. Being a moral person very rarely instantly gratifies anyone who continues to hold up to its code. Severed from one another through obligations, requests and eventually demands from those who were more perceptive than us, we drifted away on turbulent seas toward distant destinations. Another six months fell from our calendars like flower petals wilting away.
Familiar places, familiar faces, we once again found ourselves on our eternal carousel, orbiting one another but never to meet in the middle. Gravitation pull kept us circling, leaving others to be our asteroids consistently knocking us off course. Nearly two years elapsed before our irregular orbits had crossed paths once more. But other planets were aligning, creating a universal, cataclysmic event, speeding up motion and time.
The Eve of Omega and Alpha culminated at the end of a mighty crescendo. All in one space and time resided unrealized past, present, and future respectively as if the freshly laundered fabric of time had been folded, once over, twice over, then again. I was frozen, pondering the possibilities, and still too nearsighted to distinguish. My crossroads were much fuzzier and perilous than I had realized and my choices too weighted and narrow. Yet, he stood further down the path, silently beckoning me once again, always too far ahead like a time traveler. And for once brief moment, I caught his greyish outline in the distance, down the overgrown path. However, it wasn’t enough to detract from the bright signs, falsely guiding me down yet another treacherous path.
But there, another stood beside me, guiding me down the rabbit hole. He took my hand as he had done many times before and drew me in, only this time I couldn’t resist. My mind had been poisoned, distorting (reality), destroying the judges and silencing the council. I was alone in deep, dark silence, as thick and black as the essence of night itself. His coaxing, his orders, my circuitry was being rewired. I was becoming.
Enslaved, I carried out the will of the master in the fray of the sinister sociopaths. Degraded, defiled, stripped of everything sacred, anything sane or reasonable. The war ensued, my flesh the battle ground in which they ravaged every last morsel of respect.
I’m not here. This isn’t happening. I’m not here. I’m not here.
The fires in my belly weren’t nearly enough to thaw the ice encasing my soul. A piece had met it’s cruel demise, withered and fallen off into oblivion. Recollection of manufactured moments, fragments of time enmeshed with conjured emotion poured out and circled the drain until they were banished. That regretful incident eviscerated us, the flower child and I. All for not, HE, the incarnate of Hades had unknowingly paved the usually treacherous path ahead. The cosmic highways once again converged, allowing for a head on collision that this time would not be mistaken for anything other.
The spring air was crisp, and the beauty exuded more so than ever before. We spoke, old moths to the flame, drawn in, never missing a beat to the rhythm of the familiar drum. Perhaps we marked time to it, never straying far enough for life in all of it’s obstructive noise obscure it’s particular pulse. Our time was infinite. We walked the earth eternally, as long as the sky was blanketed in the celestial beings that kissed the sky. Even with every step I took, I felt my chains to the other becoming more cumbersome, the burden unbearable. I trudged on.
Suppression, unconscious denial, drawing fine lines in the sand at high tide to be redefined as necessary. Only vague remnants floated in the seas of unconscious mind. Moments that hardly brushed another were only partially unearthed, still questionable to the naked eye. With fresh rain, more flooded in, flushing the ground, stringing vague context in the light of day. The night, with all of the shadows it cast upon other landscapes, stood in stark contrast to the light from the burgeoning flames, growing ever closer, threatening a spectacular inferno.
Come with me.
Such a simple phrase struck a nerve and coursed my stagnant lifesblood through my icy veins. With only those discreet rounds of discourse, a pulse was discovered and we were once again resuscitated. The obstacles were become fewer and fewer; the road cleared, becoming more navigable. Torrents of rains had cleared, leaving only fertile soil, ripe with nutrients to nurture our long dormant seeds.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Confessions poured from my soul through my mouth faster than a river through the universe, traveling at the speed of light. I was the sinner and he was my savior, hearing every gruesome detail, redeeming me with stroking words, caressing my frail soul. The picture was black, the sound garbled like in a damaged film reel. The scene continued regardless; the show must go on !
I can’t stand, to see the morning come. While the evening rain is still falling.
Out of the ashes, the phoenix was once again reborn. We both stood amongst our own personal ruins, seemingly miles apart and yet within earshot to sound the alarm. His flame flickered and mine sparked brighter in return. Call and answer, call and answer, a repetition so primal and instinctual that it was out of our control. The beacons in the darkness.
What is the difference between a best friend and a significant other?
I pondered, time and time again. The tides shifted the sands more, redefining the landscape, blurring some beyond recognition and shaping others beyond their infancy. Clocks, their pendulums clanging loudly, sounding down each moment. Every word, each breath shared, one by one, counting each moment closer.
That boy loves you more than you’ll ever know.
First synapses firing, connecting, the stirrings of conscious realization. The Alpha and Omega, overlapping in folds of time. The mirage eroded before me, and the poisonous cloud released.
For the first time in centuries, we were standing face to face within the labyrinth. Side by side, we made our way through its dark, narrow walkways. Our flames licked each other eagerly, separate for the very last instant of eternity. No walls remained, only the flesh and air between us.
I can feel it coming in the air tonight. I’ve been waiting for this moment all of my life.
In the dead of night, so silent the rain did not dare make a patter in this moment, he grasped my arm firmly and wrapped himself around me. Underneath the long reach of the trees branches above, time slowed to accent the moment, and brand it in heart and memory for lifetimes to come.
I have always loved you.
He breathed into me, a life and fire to awaken mine. Our lips touched, melting into one another. Reunited, intertwined, conjoined at the purest moment of our final reunion. My being shot out so quickly reality could not keep pace. Time and space bent for us, allowing this moment to live in all of our eternities.
I, as well. I have always loved you.
It echoed louder than a chorus of angels, spreading throughout all the worlds to be recognized for the cosmic event it was. Twin souls, united, now indiscernible from one another. Two halves of the whole conjoined, intertwining with each passage, every last exchange. Our flames united into the blazing inferno, lighting up the whole world around us. He gazed into me as I gazed into him. And in that very second, we fell into one another, freed from the labyrinth. Only the world, our beautiful, majestic world, with the vast fields yielding those just emerging seedlings, existed among us.
Tu es mon soleil, mon seul rayon de soleil.