An Open Letter of Apology

First, I want to apologize if I let anyone think I was angry at them yesterday. I wasn’t. But, today, after a better evening and a good night’s rest, I realize that I may have been conveying some emotions that really weren’t present.

In summation, I know I need to be seen. Maybe not hospitalized, because I don’t think I’m dangerous. I have known there is something wrong and my mood chart is all over the place. I have no excuses. I will not represent myself as someone who refuses to take advice after I’ve solicited it. I heed all of the advice from all of the fantastic people who care for me and continue to write to me. Even in spite of my behavior, careless words, sudden disappearences, thoughtless action or rather inaction.

So, before I continue, I’m sorry to everyone who counted on me. Especially those who counted on me to be a good friend. I have been a terrible friend and a bad blogger. I dropped the ball when things got bad on my end. And that’s not what good friends are supposed to do.

I wish I could tell everyone that it won’t happen again. But, I’ve once again regressed into a feral, unpredictable creature. I wish I could say differently.

And since that is the truth, I wanted to put out a warning I should have all along. I am self-destructive, but not so selfish or careless to have anyone go down with me. I can’t break this cycle, despite any mood state. Every now and again, I go down in flames. I don’t want anyone to go down with me.

So, I would completely understand anyone who drops off. Only the captain should go down with the ship. I don’t want anyone to worry or find themselves distressed. Everyone who comes here has their own. No one should carry mine, too. Especially when I am headed for a crash that I seemingly don’t want to stop.

I deeply care for everyone I correspond with. You are my soundimg board, my sympathetic ear, my shoulder to cry on, and best of all, my friends to share my life with. I don’t want to take anyone down. I had considered shutting Pendulum down several times, all so I didn’t have to report and be accountable for my actions. All so I could continue down this path without scaring, disappointing, or hurting anyone.

I won’t, because the uncertainty of a person’s well-being and the pain of severance are too great. I will continue to write. But, I caution involvement with me. I can’t stop this train. I don’t know why. I’m clearly not in my right mind, and I know I have to want to deviate from my course.

I’ll cover some rambling ideas as to what is driving this and why I can’t get out in a later post. I just wanted to get this out there, especially for my nearest and dearest blogging buddies.