Truthfully, I can’t take all of the credit. If Pendulum didn’t have an audience, I would have been discouraged enough to abandon the blog. If I didn’t have such wonderful friends here, I might not be inclined, or even inspired to write. Thank everyone for their eyes, ears, fingers, minds, and hearts.
Now, for this blog-o-versary behind-the-scenes edition of Pendulum.
Little known fact #1:
Pendulum was not the first blog I created on WordPress. Some people know about the other one, but I’m not really supposed to directly give the secret away.
No, the inspiration for a blog actually came out of a kind of spite thing. An old, friend-turned-rival had a personal blog she used to keep updated with friends. It contained some cute antecdotes about her life and some concert and album reviews, nothing incredibly revealing. While I had no inclination to start a very personal blog, I did want to have a humor blog with some antecdotes about my own life.
By the time June rolled around, I was in a very isolated place with my life affected by disorder. I felt like I was hiding behind some alter-ego (when am I not? Let’s be honest!), and I was suffering in silence. I always had been.
After a forum and a friend, Pendulum was born.
Little known fact #2:
Pendulum started with a self-injury post, To See if I Still Feel (a Nine Inch Nails lyric). But, what is lesser known is that it was accompanied by a half-hearted suicide attempt. It’s coded throughout the post, but I never really came out and said it.
Pendulum literally saved my life that day. That was the day that I really realized that there are other people out there who are like me, who have been what I have been through, and get it. That’s always been the problem in my life. There are few people who get it, and those that do only seem to want to have a pity-party competition.
It wasn’t followed up by comments right away. But, it was a start.
Little known fact #3:
“As the Pendulum Swings” was not the original choice for a blog title. However, the blog title that I wanted was already in use by my other account. At that point, I was very much in hiding about bipolar disorder, so I had to sever from it. I literally sat at my computer for a half an hour, staring at this blinking, expectant cursor.
It is not named after the Linkin Park song, “In the End“, though many times I use the full name of this blog, it does go through my mind. All I could think about was my time ticking away, pendulum swinging back and forth, dragging my emotions with it, with all of the futility and loneliness of my existence. And that’s how it came to me. My life is like a pendulum. With an upswing, there will be a downswing, and so on, and so forth. There is no end until the clock runs out. And then, you’re dead. And no one knows when that’s going to be. Today, tomorrow? Old, young? By my own hand, or by a stupid accident?
So, this blog was named to detail the swinging pendulum of my life, and go with the ups and downs.
Little known fact #4:
Tallulah grew out of several different names throughout this last year. Those that have been with the blog prior to February will remember the screen name of LunaSunshine. LunaSunshine was named for the tattoo on my back of a moon and sun, my own visual representation of the duality of my nature and the stark contrast of parts of my life. I knew Luna was “Moon”. I just couldn’t do any better for the “Sunshine” part.
Now, even lesser known fact. At a job I worked over a year before this blog, I earned the nickname of Sunny, just because of my demeanor. Believe me, it was really difficult some days. Sunny was something that stuck with me, because no one had ever referenced me in such a manner before. I didn’t know I could even be perceived in that context.
And during an episode, just before my son’s second birthday, I dyed my hair bleach blonde, a color I hadn’t worn since it was my natural color as a child. I guess it marked some kind of stability for me, because I’ve managed to keep the same color for almost two years now. Before that, it was bouncing between brown and red, based on the episode I was in at the time of the purchase of the hair color.
Now, back to the evolution of the name. Another blogger started to refer to me as “Lulu”, and somehow, it fit. It just stuck. No real rhyme or reason in a real life context. And maybe that was why. A clean break, you know?
How did it evolve into Tallulah? Actually, there is a post entitled, “A Proper Name” that gives explanation to that. Tallulah has always been a name I wanted to name a daughter, if I ever had one. I realize that’s not an option. Tori Amos wrote a song called, “Talula”, which carried a special meaning for me. To me, it spoke of the projection of the ideal woman, whether it was mine to begin with or not, and holding it as a standard, where if I don’t embody it, then I will be abandoned by the ones I love. It’s kind of like “behave, or we’ll stop loving you”.
It fit with “Lulu” already, so that was that. Stark was just something that paired well with it. It was not intentional, as it just popped into my head, and it has nothing to do with Iron Man. In fact, I have never seen the movie. But, I will make a kind of weird admission that Robert Downey Jr. looks kind of hot in a GQ sort of way in the commercials.
Lesser known fact #5:
This is my first mental health blog, but not my first blog about my personal life. In my younger years, I had been inclined to share things via short lived blogs on Livejournal, Darkjournal, Blogspot, Myspace, etc. In fact, I have had flame wars with my husband via blog sites, obviously much prior to our relationship and subsequent marriage. I found hard evidence that my ex had been cheating on me, via blog sites. My husband found out he had a stalker (same woman as the one my ex cheated on me with). And I’ve even had to end several friendships over flame wars on blogs.
The very last time I had a falling out on a blog site was when I was finished with blogging entirely. I didn’t appreciate how a friend dragged an incident where she was completely in the wrong into a public light. Then, she went as far as to try to spin it, and take the focus off facts and onto slanderous statements. I quit after that. We closed down all blogs, old email accounts, and most social networking sites.
And finally. . .
Lesser known fact #5:
My husband is well aware that I keep this blog. He knows it has a public address. He can access any and all of it’s content at any time. We share passwords, and there aren’t supposed to be any secrets. Totally accessible. And he hasn’t read a word.
I’m amazed at the lack of curiosity. I don’t blame him though.