The Unreality

How I hate staring at this empty box.  How I hate to feel as if any creation that is spawned from my mind in these moments is an unreality.  Is it not real if we believe that it is real?  Or does a consensual reality have to exist among the majority to term it as such?

I might start using terms that I have either overheard and paired my own functional definition with, or terms that I invented myself to describe some kind of phenomenon that currently has no solid description.

I know I exist in a parareality today.  Time is not syncing up correctly.  In the slower moments, I am alone in a room with myself.  I am caged in this prison, running wildly around the barred perimeter, thrashing desperately and angrily.  Those are moments where The Voice is not my friend.

The Voice, I forgot to mention in my last post, had stated at one time in the recent past that we are no longer at odds, because the greater enemy was outside of myself.  We could no longer be internally warring for control.  Personally, I considered it to be another trick and dismissed it.  But, as if right on cue, there was The Voice, sharing subconscious insight to help me navigate my troubled waters.

Listen to me.  Work with me.  I see things that you do not.

It has dawned on me.  The Voice is naturally residing in my extraconscious, the bridge between the conscious and the subconscious.  It is the only place where parareality and personas can co-exist with the exterior reality.  Truly, the exterior reality doesn’t change much.  But, the interior reality is a different story entirely.  The Voice is the voice of my deepest fears and darkest secrets conceptualized and personified.  And, we are at odds for a reason.  The Voice announces things coming from my subconscious that I do not want to be true.

However, my states of consciousness are distorted.  My conscious mind is having perceptual dysfunctions.  These distortions pass through a short-term memory and are interpreted by The Voice and others of the same nature residing in the extraconscious.  The short-term memory releases the memory into the subconscious to be stored in the long-term bank and paired with another event or emotion.  Unfortunately, that usually generalizes the emotion paired to the events with similar events and vice versa.

When things are pulled back through the extraconscious, The Voice feeds back many judgmental opinions, hardly based in any conceivable fact.  Even when there are facts, they are subjective and distorted, creating complex delusions from the word GO.  In times past, I was usually able to rely on information coming in correctly, but hardly ever information going out.  However, the information coming in does not seem characteristic of everyday stimuli.

Hallucinations and delusions, walking just a millisecond out of sync with the reality that surrounds me.

I am unsure as to whether this is considered a hallucination.  Since I was small, I could feel an emotional climate around me.  Just as some animals can sense the weather changing, I sense an emotional climate that has shifted, even slightly.  I can anticipate emotional storms, mine and others.  But, it was always perceived as just a feeling in my solar plexus and my crown, and faint words and phrases from the detuned radio in my head.  Yes, there is a lot of noise in there, mostly static.  Today, there are words I am grabbing at.

I can physically feel it as an internal sensation, just as if it were an organ.

When I am in motion, I can jar this sensation out of my hypervigilant scope.  Or, I can choose to find a way to render myself unconscious and just sleep it off.  I like the former, because of several reasons.  Firstly, medication that is supposed to put me under is ineffective right now.  And second, I am clinging to any kind of reality that I can.  Losing any of it is worse than not being able to process it correctly.  Correctly?  No, there isn’t a right or wrong.  Ummm, I’m at a loss for words at the moment.

I need to shake this before it rocks me.

12 thoughts on “The Unreality

  1. Don’t over think it too much. When we do that we mess with what is reality and make what is not reality become in the forefront of your mind. Logically, there only exists reality, and what seems real but isn’t needs to be compartmentalized. Even if you have to separate it on paper . Maybe you don’t want to do that, maybe you prefer what isn’t real to what is. Like I said, try not to over think, just become an impartial judge of your list.

    • Personally, my preference is to have my feet on solid ground. I enjoy fiction as much as the next person, but I have never wanted to live it. It’s scary being in a place that is deceptive to myself.

      You are right. I need to sort it out. I started to a little bit. I started thinking how it was possible that I could despise myself so much, but still think so highly of myself. It’s so conflicted. But, I put it in terms that can make both statements true. There are some very despicable things I have done in my life that I have yet to reconcile, and they make me think negatively about myself. But, I can still see all of the things I do well and I am talented at, maybe even a little too clearly. And there is no shame in taking pride in things.

      Does that sound right?

      • yes, Most of us have things that we feel terrible about. I am one person that has a lot of things that if people knew, they would never speak to me. Also, when I have been manic, I have felt extremely happy with myself. Taking pride in the good and the bad things about me. So I can relate to this. I know what it is like to live between reality and fiction too. I know if you can’t try and sort it out, it can cause you to really go through an episode. I am just trying to get you to sort it out before it gets to where you can’t.
        I like the feeling of escaping reality too and it is ok for a while and if you stay on the edge of reality too. But there is nothing wrong with taking account of all the good things about you and helping yourself realize that you are not useless or that any of this makes you a bad person.

        • A friend and I were emailing today, and she really helped me get to the bottom of it. There are some periods of my life, particularly my younger childhood and my early adulthood that I don’t have much recollection of. And everything in between those years is really just pieced together. She was remarking about some incidents she went through, and it triggered something.

          That something could probably be considered THE cause of all of this.

          Anyway, it showed me the mechanics about how falsehoods get started, and how they are reinforced. Through personas. I know I didn’t go into great detail about the personas before, but suffice it to say that I don’t feel whole, through and through, you know?

          So, it basically looks like this. It sounds a hell of a lot easier than it’s going to be. I need to sit down and really recall some basics about my life and my life growing up. The splitting of the personas started in my teens, because it was something I recognized as a “personal fiction” that functioned in reality for me. Except, it was way more dissociative than it is now.

          Once I get these facts out and establish a timeline, more stuff will probably come. I noticed that there are little links between each hidden memory, and if the right trigger words are used, it comes back to life. Now, when it was accidentally happening before, I was unknowingly shutting it out by having a strong reaction and then no reaction. I have to grab it now and put it down as facts, not what I feel about it now. What did I feel about it then? How did that shape me?

          Feelings were something very restricted in my house while I was growing up. I’ve always had a feeling that had something to do with it. I’ve been grabbing around these topics for years without any luck. Because, I was waiting for luck. I was kidding myself and trying to protect myself from going through it again.

          The nice thing about being manic and doing this? I’ll probably rebound. Seriously, I’ve been throwing all kinds of things at this mania to try to break it. True, I’ve been feeding it, but before I was actually feeding it, I was really trying to break it. I had to put in so much extra care, and it was taking on double duty – caring for myself in the attempt to break the mania and actually going through the mania. It got too hard. I can see why some people just go through this hell.

          Anyway, I’ve been throwing emotional things at it lately, hoping that something will budge. Sleepless nights, broken sleep, distorted realities, these strong emotions that come out of nowhere… it’s too much. So, I thought if I could grab some of those bad emotions and work through them, then I would “break the spell”. We’ll see about that. At least if I got rid of the thing that was keeping me from sleeping, despite all of the medication that I down in the evening, then I could at least put a dent in it.

          • I understand that is going to be hard. I found that out when I got the big idea to write that journal of my life. I became really hard for me because it caused me to remember things that I had blocked out. I couldn’t even write them down hardly, a lot I didn’t , But I can’t even go back and read any of it now. I will be praying for you. It will make it worse before It makes it better you know.

          • I understand that is going to be hard. I found that out when I got the big idea to write that journal of my life. I became really hard for me because it caused me to remember things that I had blocked out. I couldn’t even write them down hardly, a lot I didn’t , But I can’t even go back and read any of it now. I will be praying for you. It will make it worse before It makes it better you know.

            • I know. It’s one of those necessary evils. Do you remember childbirth? I remember the extreme relief I felt when it was over. Thirteen and a half hours of labor and about an hour of pushing labor. I expect to go through similar pain, only emotionally, with the big sigh of relief at the end. And the prize? My sanity. Some closure.

            • yeah, I really enjoyed child birth in a strange way. I know it was the worst pain in the world but I got to pull her out myself and lay her on my stomach. I was just so awesome. So, my struggles really don’t relate, but the concept does. There is the conception of the issue, the stress of dealing with it and waiting to get it all out. The labor of finally coming to the point where you just can’t hold it any longer, and of course the birth of acceptance!

            • I didn’t get a chance to pull my son out. They had to whisk him away to make sure his breathing was okay. He didn’t go into any distress on the monitors, but my husband did tell me that his head came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. He wasn’t blue or anything, so they were pretty sure he didn’t lose any oxygen. But, they wanted to make sure he was okay.

              It had to have been a good thirty seconds to a minute that he was over in the corner on that cart, soundless. I mean, the moment he was out, a team of doctors and nurses burst in the door. What I didn’t know is that my son got stuck, and they had requested help getting him out. I just kept right on pushing, because I wanted him out, so badly.

              Anyway, I kept asking the doctor if he was okay. I was terrified that he had been strangled by the cord. That was before I even knew that the cord had been around his neck. The doctor got down there and stitched me up calmly, telling me that everything was fine. I couldn’t believe him, because I didn’t hear my child. And then I did, and I sighed. It was the biggest relief of my entire life.

              I need that reassurance. Am I okay? That’s a part of this recovery that I’ve been attempting on my own (up until the previous post), that I didn’t have. How am I coming along?

            • I worry about what the initial shock will do when you pull out all the things that you’ve kept hidden bu tI feel it is probably a necessary process. It is good to have God there to ease the impact

  2. a lot to think about in this blog, questioning the reality of reality and on what levels we experience these alternate realities conscious, subconscious, very interesting.
    Scary yet interesting. ((hugs)) honey I can not begin to imagine how your feeling right now, all I can say is that I admire your strength, your determination to discover what is reality and what is not and your courage to face them both

    • I have to get rid of those self-deceptive mechanisms and start being brave enough to take things at face value. Also, I need to stop assuming things based on other things. The only things we know for sure are the solid facts surrounding us. Everything else is just speculation.

Any thoughts to contibute?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s