Just a Quickie

I am currently unemployed for the next twelve weeks. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I have a lot of personal things to work out. C.S. will be diagnosed soon. I know he’s going to need me.

T.D. is old enough to start preschool in the fall. That’s going to require a lot of doctors visits, registration, and getting set kooup for special services. He’s come a long easy and has proven to be extraordinarily gifted. But, there is still the matter of his speech delay.

I have personal work to do for me. I know it sounds selfish, but I realize I’ve been sorely neglecting myself. I need to do some tidying up in my mind. I need to work on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. And I should focus on using this time wisely.

I’m not well physically. I think I contracted food poisoning. My body is wrecked, and my mind is suffering, naturally. I’ll be okay. Just some rest and kindness to myself.

That’s all for now. I didn’t.want to leave anyone hanging.

11 thoughts on “Just a Quickie

    • Many people around me have agreed with my line of thinking. I left out the part about working on me, and called it, “working on personal projects”, and a lot of women at work were very supportive. Even my own mother was particularly supportive, something rare in this world. I am pretty sure she just didn’t want to get stuck with my son over the summer, and is eager for him to go to preschool so she doesn’t have to deal with it anymore.

      My husband was pretty supportive, and he usually has tunnel vision when it comes to supporting the family financially. I told him that I’d rather be in a financial tough spot then continue on the path we’ve all been treading. It’s getting treacherous, I said. I feel like we’re all precariously close to a collapse.

      We’re all making progress, although I feel like we need individual supports for it to continue. My son is speaking better and showing interest in language suddenly. But, I feel like he needs to have a consistent support specifically to develop his speech and social skills. I am a mom. I’m responsible for too much else to have enough focus for just that. I’d be neglecting everything else.

      My husband needs help, we’re aware. Going through the process of diagnosis and treatment is difficult, and it’s the most difficult to do it alone. It leaves a person questioning what is a symptoms and what is not, all of the time. It leaves a person wondering whether the treatment is working or if any of this is worth the time, energy, money, effort, etc. He’s going to need me in this period of time in many different capacities. As it stands, I’m the one that gets him off to work in the morning. I need to be able to stand as a caretaker in this moment. I need to stand as a friend who has gone through a similar experience. I need to lend that experience to him. And I need to be a partner, who picks up where he left off.

      And probably most of all, I need to learn how to stand on my own. I need to learn where it ends, and I begin. I need to take the extra time to start making hard and fast decisions about what I want and what I don’t, and stop having this idea that I have no say about the external forces that drive my life. I can have what I want, I just need to figure out what it is, and how to go about getting it.

      But, I need a fundamental redefinition. No overhaul or anything. Just some parameters about what I am, what I’m not, what I can and can’t be and what I can and can’t do. Nothing hard and fast, just some blurry boundaries, because I don’t think I’m clear enough with myself about what I expect. And I can’t expect it to come from an external source. I have to learn how to structure myself.

      I have 11 weeks now. I think that’s plenty of time.

      • yeah, and it is a very good time to consentrate on each of you and getting the care each of you need right now. I think that it is a great time for you to take a break from work. Especially since your boy will be starting pre-school. Im proud of you. πŸ™‚

        • We’re doing better. We were in the car on Sunday or Monday, and there was a conversation that was linear with the track of “how are we”. So, I jumped the rail by accident and said, “You know, we’re good like that. Being able to pick up where the other left off.”

          And sometimes, we are. Sometimes, we don’t even skip a beat. It’s not a question of what responsibility belongs to who (only in times of serious stress from external sources that kind of drives a wedge in there). It’s a question of what needs done. And it’s never a question of what is owed in return. It just stands. Things need done, and we’ll both be exchanging roles from time to time to bridge the gaps. The gaps will happen. That’s the way it is.

          We’re getting better, now that everything has come to light. There is no expectation anymore, because there really shouldn’t have been in the first place. I guess we both got used to things being a certain way, and neither of us could keep it up anymore. It wasn’t working for either of us, and we were both intent on pleasing the other, and keeping the status quo, so not to rock the boat.

          Frankly, I don’t mind the role change. Admittedly, when I first had to take on the role as the caretaker, I was overwhelmed. I had this baby, and this mood disorder, and a husband that was freaking out all of the time and emotionally abandoning me. And I resented the role, because I felt like I was belittled by it. I would have rather have been working. Once I went back to work, I realized why I wanted to go. It wasn’t necessarily just because I wanted to be in a role where my contribution was obvious. I resented my husband because I knew work was his place to hide. He knew he couldn’t hide from me if he was always in plain sight of me.

          What I didn’t know was that he was hiding something bigger than an anxiety disorder. There was a reason this gap started happening, and I thought it was the natural course of my relationships. When it first started happening, I freaked out. Like when someone drops the word “cancer”, everyone jumps to “terminal”. But, the gaps and cracks that started always evolved into the eventual severance.

          That’s why when we got to four years, I was astounded. Four years, and he still didn’t want out.

          But, when we started closing in on five, he made a comment about taking stock of his life choices, and wondering if this was the right decision. I think that was the spark here. I really do. Because when I started doing the math, it looked like we were seriously in the red.

          Luckily, my math isn’t great. (Literally. Figuratively, it’s great, but not with C.S. He’s clever, though. I’ve been able to figure him out better than he has when I’ve had all of the pertinent information.) And when you don’t have all of the numbers, well you know.

          I wanted to get into a post soon about how my situation is evolving, and the ins and outs of why I seriously suspect BPD, even when there weren’t symptoms early in my marriage. When I went on about how my husband was my rock, I wasn’t kidding. He was literally the thing that anchored my emotions and my entire life. When he became unhinged, so did I.

          It sounds pathetic. And I feel like I sound like one of “those” women, who can’t seem to make it past adolescent sentiments about their partner. I don’t knock on them, but I know a lot of people who do.

          Anyway, we’re back to being a team, rather than being lovers, partners, etc. We’re a unit. We always have been, and it doesn’t matter what our individual functions are. We still fit together as a unit and operate as one. We can be defined outside of it. We can live outside of it. But the fact is that we work better when we’re working together. And that’s why we got married in the first place. Because we make each other better people.

          I guess somewhere in all of the fuss of everyday life and the muddle of disorder, we both lost that.

          But, I want to dedicate time to get things right again. And to get things to a point where they can stay right without a high amount of maintenance. Flexible, but still cohesive, you know?

          • yeah, you know it is what every couple no matter who they are has to do. They have to give and take how it works best for each couple. There is no set rule. I think that from the positive stuff you are saying that your family will probably end up even stronger after this.

    • I’m getting there. I know for sure it was food poisoning, because I’m mostly better today. Just dealing with the fallout, meaning rehydrating and resting. It’s been a long time since I’ve had food poisoning to this degree, and I forgot what a serious toll it takes on the body.

      In the meantime, I need to start scheduling weekly activities, so that the both of us have some structure. I’m going to write a post about it later.

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