An Open Letter of Apology

First, I want to apologize if I let anyone think I was angry at them yesterday. I wasn’t. But, today, after a better evening and a good night’s rest, I realize that I may have been conveying some emotions that really weren’t present.

In summation, I know I need to be seen. Maybe not hospitalized, because I don’t think I’m dangerous. I have known there is something wrong and my mood chart is all over the place. I have no excuses. I will not represent myself as someone who refuses to take advice after I’ve solicited it. I heed all of the advice from all of the fantastic people who care for me and continue to write to me. Even in spite of my behavior, careless words, sudden disappearences, thoughtless action or rather inaction.

So, before I continue, I’m sorry to everyone who counted on me. Especially those who counted on me to be a good friend. I have been a terrible friend and a bad blogger. I dropped the ball when things got bad on my end. And that’s not what good friends are supposed to do.

I wish I could tell everyone that it won’t happen again. But, I’ve once again regressed into a feral, unpredictable creature. I wish I could say differently.

And since that is the truth, I wanted to put out a warning I should have all along. I am self-destructive, but not so selfish or careless to have anyone go down with me. I can’t break this cycle, despite any mood state. Every now and again, I go down in flames. I don’t want anyone to go down with me.

So, I would completely understand anyone who drops off. Only the captain should go down with the ship. I don’t want anyone to worry or find themselves distressed. Everyone who comes here has their own. No one should carry mine, too. Especially when I am headed for a crash that I seemingly don’t want to stop.

I deeply care for everyone I correspond with. You are my soundimg board, my sympathetic ear, my shoulder to cry on, and best of all, my friends to share my life with. I don’t want to take anyone down. I had considered shutting Pendulum down several times, all so I didn’t have to report and be accountable for my actions. All so I could continue down this path without scaring, disappointing, or hurting anyone.

I won’t, because the uncertainty of a person’s well-being and the pain of severance are too great. I will continue to write. But, I caution involvement with me. I can’t stop this train. I don’t know why. I’m clearly not in my right mind, and I know I have to want to deviate from my course.

I’ll cover some rambling ideas as to what is driving this and why I can’t get out in a later post. I just wanted to get this out there, especially for my nearest and dearest blogging buddies.

22 thoughts on “An Open Letter of Apology

  1. I was getting afraid that I was the pushy one. I guess I was. But it is because I really want you to get better. btw, I can’t drop off unless you cut me off. which would be difficult for me. I won’t try and push you, or tell you what to do anymore. You already have all those answers. You know the things you should do. But I want to be here for your sounding board anytime.

    • No! I was trying to tell certain bloggers that I’m sorry for things I’ve done and haven’t. And I’m sorry if I’m worrying anyone out of their head!

      Carla, I like you here. I need you here. But, I feel like I destroy people with my madness. This my word of caution. I don’t want people to worry or be upset with me. Especially when it seems like I am ignoring advice. I know what it’s like being on the other end trying to help someone who just keeps careening toward the wall.

      I want everyone to stay by my side, but I’m terrified of hurting them. I’ve already hurt someone, and she knows. I just don’t want others who are invested to get hurt. I am trying to work it out in my head. It’s so hard to explain my thought process and the dynamics of my friendships.

      I don’t want to push anyone away either. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want anyone to think less of me, because a lot of the things going on with me are so – adolescent feeling. Did you ever feel like something you were thinking or feeling was insignificant, irrelevant, petty, or immature? I am having a difficult time expressing these things without sounding like a rant or a temper tantrum. But, I’ve lost a lot of focus and restraint. I can’t make it translate, and I’m mad at myself for not being honest with everyone about stuff that I’m going through internally.

      I’m mad at me. And I thank god every single day for people like you who still want to stay and listen.

      • I still will be praying. I feel that is the best thing to do. I have been too pushy though, not saying that you were mad at me for it. I just realized that I was always trying to make you do something. But I now know thea best thing I can do is be here. I know that you are not always thinking clearly so how could I let something you say or didn’t say or do hurt me or drive me away? I am just one of those people who when I see someone in a bad way, I am inclined to try to fix the situation if I can. So, that is just me being me lol..God is there with you though, so don’t forget that. I keep praying that you will allow the positive in and the negative out. As for feeling childish, we all feel that way at times. Don’t feel embarrassed about it. At least you know where you are at thinking wise and it isn’t a great time to make big decisions lol. Ok, I am here if you need to talk, or just rant or something.

        • You’re not pushy. I understand. You’re a fixer. I’m a fixer too. And that’s why I’m scared of frustrating people with all of these behaviors. There’s so much I want to say, and I start posts all the time, just to get everything out into the open. But, for some reason, I can’t get it to make any sense. I wish I could get it together and just get it out.

          I’m glad you’re here. I really am. I don’t know what I would do if I were left completely alone with this and myself and all of these shifts within me.

  2. Dear friend,
    You’ve been going through such a heavy roller coaster. You have all my love.
    You know where I am, too.
    Le Clown

    • Thank you. I keep saying things to myself like, “You are so “screwed up.” And “What the hell is wrong with you?” I feel like I’m in some adolescent regression and I can’t make the words come out right.

      I know I need to post and ramble this all out. I feel full and strained to bursting, you know?

  3. Aw, I only just read your post from the 29th. Glad you’re feeling a bit better. You’re being terribly hard on yourself. The fact that you’re blogging at all while unwell is fantastic and as I commented on the other post, you came up with a really great description of hypomania, which will help many people who will feel less alone/more sure of their diagnosis/just be glad to be able to relate to someone. The accuracy of the description would not be so if you hadn’t been experiencing it at the time.

    We’re always so tough on ourselves after the hypomania fallout, just remember it’s because you’ve been ill and not because you’re not a great person.

    • I started to write this on my andriod last night. I’m still getting used to the phone, so I pressed a button that poofed it away. I’m sure you can relate to the frustration level there of losing a response. I had to wait to cool off and be on a desktop to do it.

      I was saying that it feels like I have multiple consciousness based on my level of awareness. While I’m completely aware of the symptoms, sometimes I find myself powerless to stop it. I can analyze a state, but for some reason, I’m paralyzed. I don’t know why.

      So, I was explaining how the multiple consciousness works. Sometimes, I can only identify it as two, the conscious and the subconscious. That’s all that exists. My consciousness goes and fishes things out of my subconscious or my subconscious makes my conscious brain aware of something, and that’s that. But, in some situations, notably now, it feels like there are multiples. Now, I am fully aware in some conscious states that this phenomenon exists. Why? Because there are layers that have different operations.

      This is probably some kind of dissociation, though I know it’s not multiple personality disorder. I don’t switch without at least having the vague notion that I’m not in the primary consciousness. I’ve talked before about The Voice, and how it seems as if there is a certain separation between me and it and the silent subconscious working in the background. Sometimes, it’s like it operates as a bridge between the two. But most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time it feels like it acts as if it were that, and distorts my perceptions.

      Now, there are more. And they switch operations between being in the conscious mind, as the one in control, the subconscious that is monitoring and then what like to refer to as the extraconscious. It is a state of consciousness that is somewhere in between the two. It’s not completely in control, nor is it the active consciousness that is processing information.

      When the switch occurs, and it sometimes has a high frequency of doing so, I do remember what happened while in the other conscious state, sometimes only vaguely. I do and say things I wouldn’t typically be inclined to. And I feel as if my conscious mind is somewhere in the extraconscious, watching it go down like a movie scene, but trapped behind some kind of screen or glass. When it’s all said and done with, my memory becomes a little hazy, although I can recall, with some difficulty, the events that took place while in this other consciousness. All I know is that it’s not me. And I’m fully aware that it’s not me. Right now, I’m me. But, during this period of time, I’m often not me.

      Different conscious states have different functions while in the conscious mind. I’ve been really investigating this within my own mind and I’ve come up with names to describe the different personas (I wouldn’t go as far as to say full blown personalities) that emerge. I’ll write about it later, because it’s a really long explanation. But, in summation, some personas act as defense mechanisms, some act as an outlet for all of the collected “stuff” in my head, and others act as a voice of reason, trying to strike a balance between all of it.

      So, here’s the thing. I’m not out of this (hypo)manic state. I say it like that, because I’m not sure if I’ve crossed into the land of mania yet. Sometimes, the symptoms are enough to push me over certain edges. This (hypo)mania has mostly been euphoric. I find myself smiling for no reason. Then, I scramble to find a reason, because people are starting to notice. Especially my fifth graders, soon to be sixth graders. They are extremely observant of adults, especially young adults. I think it’s because they are about to become teenagers, and that’s close enough to being a young adult in their eyes.

      But, then, if sometimes strikes me hard emotionally, I drift into another direction. Kind of like shifting winds, and I’m caught in them. Last night, I was perfectly content, poking at my new phone, and listening to good music with my husband who was playing youtube DJ last night. I started to get upset when he would ask me what I wanted to listen to, and then he wouldn’t like my choices. I’d listen to about half of a song, and then he was done with it. Then, he drops the bomb on me that friends are coming over AGAIN this weekend. Why can’t I just be alone for a little bit? You know, so I can get things done? And it’s not as if he asked if I’d like to have people over. I felt like it was disrespectful. The house is dirty, and now I have to spend all morning cleaning. It makes me loathe Fridays anymore.

      So, I gradually shifted into what I think of as my mother persona. Passive-aggressive, soft spoken, stoic, silently seething because I feel powerless to control anything in my immediate life. But, I want to pretend like I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. And I played on my phone, without much to say for the rest of the night. Every once in awhile, I’d murmur something in response to something he said, but mostly, I just wanted to be left alone.

      That’s not me. The actual me wouldn’t have resigned so easily. I would have made it known that he completely disrespected me by not consulting me. I would have made it known that he was being a selfish ass with complete disregard for the emotional needs of anyone around him. And we all would’ve gone to bed angry. I think the outcome is something I was avoiding, but I know that sometimes, I have little control over my reactions to things. So, instead, I let something else take the reigns and resigned myself.

      That’s just an example of the function and how the (hypo)mania shifts between euphoric and dysphoric pretty quickly. I’m a little sedated from all of the sleeping medication I’ve had to take in the evening, so today might be a little different. I try not to let it bleed too much into my day, or else I will become hazy in my brain, yet still energetic. Not a good feeling.

  4. Hey Lulu. Sorry, I fell off the earth into oblivion of late. I had to come into town and checked my e-mail. I just stopped to pray for you. Still thinking of you. I’m smack in the middle of the unpleasantries of marriage finitos, but have been still thinking of you. Sorry you are where you are at.

    • I’m thinking of you too Laura. I know you’ve got a lot to deal with right now. Don’t concern yourself with me. And you have my email. I have a fun new phone that actually lets me know when I have email, so I’ll be a little better about replying now.

  5. Hi Lulu,
    Sorry i’ve only just caught up with all your posts 😦
    you seem to be having a rough time right now, and I dont know what to say or do to help you / it better.

    I promise not to drop off, and please don’t think that I have if I’m not on for a bit.
    Life has suddenly become very busy.. or I’ve started to let it become busy again, I’m not sure which .

    Don’t worry about ranting in your posts… your site is YOUR site, to do with as you wish.
    If you want to let off steam, then here it is, if you wantto confide in the world, this is YOUR place to do it.
    People will realise that, and understand.. or try to.. what you are going through.

    Keep strong, though i should think that’s easier said than done some days, we will be with you hopefully to support you,but at least to listen.. listen and not judge, just listen.

    Good luck with your struggle
    love n hugs xxx

    • I’m just not inclined to go on rants or nonsensical babble on my blog. I feel like it junks it up, and then people have to sift through all of the rubble to find the heart of the matter. I don’t want to make it difficult. I don’t want it to be difficult for me either. And besides, anything I write here eventually becomes a piece in a notebook or journal somewhere. I’m attempting to catch my journal up so I can put my rants and babble in there. That way, I can process it, and put it here.

      Don’t be sorry. Busy is busy. I understand. Sometimes, when things get busy, a person’s focus and attention have to be reallocated to handle what is happening in the moment. It’s okay. I’ve been there. Especially when there are projects and performances at work. Things get really busy then, and I find myself spending a lot of extra time and effort outside the workplace to make it happen.

      I’m glad you’ve decided to stick with me, and I appreciate it. I do.

      I wrote this because I know that I directly hurt someone. And I was afraid that I had hurt others too, or was going to. I feel like I eventually hurt everyone I come in contact with. Mostly the people that come to rely on me for anything, or invest time, emotion, and energy on me. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want the people who care to watch me go up in flames. I wrote to Carla in another reply in the previous post that I know I’m headed for a crash. I know I’m in a cycle of self-destruction, and I know that it’s going to be a fiery wreck when it’s all over with. And I know that I’m responsible for it, and I’ve done it to myself. I have had every opportunity to defuse it and get help. But, I don’t know why I can’t.

      There are so many theories I’ve come up with as to why. But, none of them seem to fit quite right, and many of them don’t stick at all. I get this idea that I want to crash. Why would I want to? Is this another self-destructive behavior to add to my list? I’ve worked so hard and come so far. But, somewhere inside of me, something is telling me that it has to happen. It is inevitable (fatalistic thinking, I know). Kind of like a serious economic collapse in the US. We all know it’s coming. We don’t know when, or how bad it will be, but it’s inevitable, just because we don’t have the power to stop it. No one knows how, and no one is really sure how it works.

      I’m still trying to figure out how I work. I haven’t been through this kind of thing in years. I mean since my teens. So, I don’t know.

  6. Hey Lulu,

    I can relate to the different personas and levels of consciousness you talk about.

    You need to rest!!! Seriously! Can anyone take over some responsibilities for you while you try and relax? Sure your husband could do some housework?! Maybe you’ve got someone you could visit to chill out for a few days. Are you on Olanzapine or anything like that? That’s what I take when I get like this. Maybe you could see your doctor?

    I think you should say something to your husband about the friends coming over thing- it’s your house too and it sounds like you need time to yourself right now.

    Hope things improve for you soon.


    • I have one more day of work (today), and I can rest as much as I like after that. I have a choice as to whether I want to participate with the group coming over tonight. No one is allowed on the second floor, because it’s only bedrooms. It’s kind of an unspoken rule, but everyone respects it. I would hunker down in my room, maybe do something mindless like fold clothes while listening to music or something.

      I don’t know. I didn’t bother with cleaning this morning, because I wrote a post. Honestly, I didn’t feel like it. Every single time he invites people over at the last minute, I go nuts cleaning. It’s not that dirty, really, just a lot of dishes and vacuuming I’ve been neglecting. I was hoping to save it for the weekend. I guess I don’t have a lot of a choice now. I’ll get home, and it will be cleaning. Ugh.

      Husband works. And works. And works. So, no, he’s out of the equation on the whole “relaxing” thing. Besides, if I said I needed time alone to relax, the people around me would scoff. “Well, I never get time alone to relax.” My mother is right about that, because she’s been going 35 years with no relaxation. And that’s why she is the way she is. But as for the rest of them, oh, I’d love to have at it with husband over that one. Seriously. I know he goes to work, but he’s already made the admission that his work is his place of refuge (which seriously hurt my feelings). Where the hell is my place of refuge?

      Ugh, no, I’m not going there right now. I have an hour to get ready for work, eat something, and talk to C.S. on his break. Oh and get my kid out the door. Just six more hours to keep it together, and I can let it all fall apart after that.

  7. Pingback: Conscious, Subconscious, and Extraconscious « As the Pendulum Swings

  8. I think shutting down Pendulum would make me even more worried. What’s worse, I might never have closure. I know what it’s like to want so much to help and not be able to . . . but despite that, I still would like to know most of all. Sorry I haven’t been around to support you. I have no reason other than I like to go AWOL any time I visit my family.That’s partially because I’m paranoid about anyone in real life finding out about my blogging life.

    • No, I don’t expect that people are just going to stand around and wait. In fact, that’s the opposite of what I’d want. Everyone has their own life, and they don’t need to be standing around with bated breath, waiting for a sign that I’m okay or not.

      Truthfully, I’m sorry to everyone for not being honest about things. I wrote to Carla about how my AWOL was a clever tactic my brain concocted to go about sabotaging myself.

      Pendulum and Canvas are two of my proudest things. They are projects I’ve managed to maintain (even if it’s poorly) once I’ve gotten it off the ground. True, I could not have done it without the dozens of supporters, readers, and friends. Despite whatever else is going on in my life, those things flew, even when everything else was crashing and burning.

      Canvas isn’t something I can take down on my own, because it’s not my own anymore. It never really was my own to start with, and I would certainly never take sole credit for it. It was a brainchild between Ruby and I that became a community as a result of everyone who takes part in it. Canvas belongs to everyone.

      But, Pendulum. Pendulum is mine. And the second my mind registered that Pendulum might actually be something worth something, it was time to burn it to the ground. Starting with sorely neglecting my friends in the community and “breaking” from blogging, to take the eye off of it. Pendulum would wither from neglect, and anyone who cared anything about me would find betrayal in my absence.

      And in the shadow, away from the light and the vision of anyone who means anything, I could pick myself apart, bit by bit. I could go ahead and self-destruct in every way possible, without having to answer for any of it. Because, there was no Pendulum or blogging community to stand between me and any of it.

      This is how deeply my mind is split. There is a part of me that seems like it is hell bent on destroying me. And no matter what I do, I am incapable of destroying it. I’m not going to say that I’m helpless, because I have plenty of help and ammunition. It just seems like it’s always one step ahead of me. I can’t get at it, because it’s me. And I can’t understand the motive, because I’m a driven, passionate person with a good heart and a sound moral compass.

      And then there is me. Just plain me. There might be different versions, but we’re talking about the one that’s completely devoid of any ill intention toward myself or anyone else for that matter. The one that I’m familiar with dealing with on a day to day basis. It’s the gullible, clueless one. I can’t seem to figure out my own intention, or even when I’m working against myself. That’s why there are moments where I say I can’t trust myself or what I’m thinking. That’s why, on the worst of occasions, I feel as if I’m hallucinating this voice or person that exists outside of myself.

      I wouldn’t shut down Pendulum, even if I were to take an extended absence, only because I would never want anyone to do it to me. I’d never leave without a line of communication open, which is always my email. And there is at least one person in the blogging community that has a real life line to me, worst comes to worst. There are too many places I’ve disappeared from into the night, and no one had closure. I can’t say that I regret the choice, because it didn’t affect me. But, if I shut down Pendulum, I don’t know how I could ever forgive myself or make it right again.

      I realize that a lot of what is going on with me is probably outside the realm of Bipolar Disorder, because it feels like it comes from a place that is fundamentally damaged or disoriented. I determined it to be Borderline Personality Disorder, and I’m trying to find a way to bring that to a professional’s attention. But, from what I understand, there aren’t a whole lot of people that can identify themselves as being such, and it would likely come out looking like Narcissistic Personality Disorder instead. The difference is that I don’t seem to have a permanent identity. I have a set of fluctuating identities. That post is yet to come, because it comes after the explanation of multiple personas.

      I’m sorry if I worried you. I really am. I was very out of my mind. And I can’t say that I’m back in my mind, but at least I’m more grounded than I was. Or I think so. Thinking is believing, right?

    • I’m doing a bit better since, but I still have so much to work out. Fortunately, I’ve been granted some time to get some things straightened out. And, I’m glad that people are still with me. It’s gonna get rockier, the more that comes out.

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