Tides – A Short Update

I can go ahead and brainstorm all I want.

Did I mention the moderately severe mania / mixed episode with psychotic features? If I did, forgive my memory. If I didn’t, then one could guess as to why.

Now, hear me out before rapid fire email begins. The severity and nature changes day by day. Today, for instance, I’m mixed, but more on the euphoric side. Believe me, when I said something to myself like, “I’m so smart.” – well, I knew this was going to be one of those days.

I’ve been taking time to trace this back. I did not recognize this, because I never considered it to be a possibility. It wasn’t until The Voice completely separated as a solitary entity that I realized what was going on. The alarms went off in one part of my brain. Something is seriously wrong.

But, in another corner, I didn’t want to accept the reality of the situation. I deemed it a temporary mood state, like hypomania is for me. Was for me, I guess. At the same time, anxiety symptoms were emerging in full force, and I didn’t want anything to change.

Delusional on so many levels. I had paranoid delusions while having delusions of grandeur, and an exaggerated deficit of self-esteem.

People are out to get me.

Everyone hates me.

I’m bad.

But, I’m so smart.

They’re holding me down.

I’m forced into this cage.

This life.

Everyone makes me want to believe I’m worse than them.

I’m not safe anywhere.

That’s only the delusional thinking. Then, there are the auditory hallucinations.

The fact that I’m recognizing this is a good thing. The fact that I’m having them at all, well, yeah, not so great. Actually bad. Very bad.

I realize I’ve just invited throngs of good blogger friends to urge me to go to the Pdoc. I wanted to. I really did. Something came up. Poor excuse, I know. However, it is not my business to put out there.

On May 14th, an appointment will take place that will give me some idea as to where I’m at. On June 1st at 6PM, I will officially become unemployed. And on June 6th, I am scheduled for a med check. And by then, I will have gotten the results back from my Pap, hopefully negative for abnormal cells.

How can you expect to have the ability to care for others when you’re in this mental state?

Truthfully? I don’t. I expect nothing, and I am not planning for anything beyond that Pdoc appointment. Until then, I’m hanging in there. I do what I can. I’m subsisting off of Xanax. And when these attacks come on, I run and hide.

That is partially why I am not writing. The other reason is so I can be introspective enough to see these things and document them.

Hold off the emails just yet. I have an emergency plan for action if things get completely beyond my control. I have confided in my MIL. I realize that if things get out of hand, my husband will likely call her. He is not aware that she is aware. In the instance that I am mentally incapacitated, that is. I don’t want to be forcibly hospitalized, but if it comes to that, it comes to that.

I am safe, even if I’m not in a good place. And I will make the attempt to at least update weekly. I am on Twitter, and I have my Twitter open on my phone to communicate.

Thank you to all of my most wonderful blogger friends. I want you to know that, aside from my family, a big part of why I’m still holding on is because of you. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate every concerned word, encouraging monologue, and empathetic, consoling reply. Thank you for being a part of my life.