For Now, Not Farewell


First, and foremost, I wanted to let all of my wonderful blogging friends know that I am alright.  The gaps between posts keep getting larger, and I worry that others are worrying.  I will make you a promise now that if something serious happens and there is a critical situation, I will not hesitate to inform everyone.

There are a lot of things that are happening in my life right now.  Many personal matters need attending to.  I’m probably getting laid off in three weeks, although my boss doesn’t seem like she wants to drop that bomb on me.  Personally, I find that incredibly irresponsible.  I could have been looking for other work.  Well, in any usual situation.

Still, it creates a serious blow to my self-esteem at a time when it is not well received.  I know everyone has been passed over for a job and has suffered layoffs before.  It’s really unpleasant, to say the least about it.  Then, there’s entire summer, twelve weeks ahead of me, where I have to sit on my hands and wonder if I’m getting recalled for the school year.  Something tells me that I’m not.

There are an increased number of incidents that have been happening on my watch.  I see my faults and flaws as a teacher, though I have little help on my end establishing my role and developing my skills.  I feel as if I am not well accepted or even really respected at my job. I feel undervalued and underutilized.  Each project I have suggested has been shot down.  And, each time I volunteer for something, I am assured that my assistance is not needed.

I realize this could be the ever present paranoia that has been occurring where I get this idea that I am being persecuted in my life (including at my job).  This includes ideas what someone / something is out to get me.  Or, it could be the subconscious vibes I get from others.  My immediate employees that are on the outer circle of the program seem to be unaware.

However, those on the internal circle are treating me as if I am a ghost.  They mumble a sort of hello as I walk by, hardly acknowledging my presence.  No one is keen on engaging me in conversation.  And those that are my higher-ups have taken to lambasting me at every chance they get for things that aren’t entirely my doing.

I’ve always kept Xanax on my person at all times, in case I encounter a situation that flares the anxiety.  Typically, this is an unexpectedly crowded area.  Lately, Xanax has become part of my diet.  I can’t fathom the idea of going back there.  And I tick the days off of my calendar.  Twenty-two left before I am unemployed.  Twenty-two left before leaving my house becomes optional.

(I’m exhausted this morning and not very inspired.  Please forgive the bland post.)

I had told my husband at one point, “I feel as if there are many things that have gone neglected in my personal life, especially my home life that other things are interfering with.  Maybe it’s for the best.”  I believe that there is a rhyme and a reason to everything, whether it is God or just the pattern of the universe.  Choose whichever suits you.

My husband agreed.  I’ve mentioned that he needs tended to more now than ever.  I’m not the only one who thinks so.  His best friend has been sending check-in messages, noting that C.S. “hasn’t been himself for awhile.” I am very focused on keeping my resolve so that I can be a part of his treatment.  It’s difficult.  He has always been my rock, the stable touchstone that I could rely on to keep me in check.  Now, it seems, the tables have turned.

Six more days until the appointment.  I’m checking the days off of my calendar, holding onto the wild ride as hard as I can to get us there.

Then, there is the matter of my son.  Though he has made significant gains without therapy in the last six months, he still requires it.  He still remains behind his peer group in terms of speaking and social interaction.  And because of everything that has happened with his parents in the last six months, I have been unable to navigate the labyrinth of services.

That is something that takes a lot of time.  I recall from the first time we had to go through this.  There were a lot of evaluations in places that were at least a half an hour’s drive from here.  Even the ones in home took an hour at the least.  There were meetings with counselors, social workers, specialists, and all manner of people.  It took a great deal of time, effort, focus, and all of the things I’m sorely lacking in my position right now.

My lack of initiative makes me feel like a bad parent.  It makes me feel as if I’ve robbed him of crucial developmental time.  My self-absorption in my illness makes me feel as if I have precipitated and then ignored serious signs and symptoms in my husband.  I find that I am destabilizing to the point where I don’t want to return to work.  And the paranoia and the anxiety it produces when I think of all of this are too much to handle.

I’ve determined that I need a break.  Please, don’t take this as I am self-isolating.  I have been feeling this way for months now, starting in my depressive state.  I wasn’t sure if it was the trickery of depression, or if it was a genuine need to crawl inside my shell for solace.  My emotional reserves are tapped, and I’m really running on empty.  My support system is crumbling, and I feel like I can’t run my life anymore.

I have even made the consideration to file for disability.  Making the admission that I might not be of sound mind enough to work with any stability is very difficult for me.  It’s difficult to think that I am having such a hard time managing my personal life.  I do understand that things are unusual in the way of stress and function (or lack thereof).  However, I seem to think that others who aren’t quite as affected may stand a better chance against life’s little upheavals.

For myself, to collect my own emotional fortitude, and to prioritize what little there is left to go around, I must limit my writing.  This is so that I may stabilize my personal life, and have reflections that may be useful to those in my immediate vicinity.  I would like to focus primarily on my personal journal at the moment, in order to keep a solid documentation of what is going on, free of any flare or censorship (yes, sadly, there is a little that happens here).

I adore each and every one of you.  I am always available via email at tallulahlulustark@gmail.com  If you’d like to touch base with me, or just need to talk about something, I am always available and always willing.

Just for now.  This is not a farewell.

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19 thoughts on “For Now, Not Farewell

  1. I think that stopping and focusing internally is a good game plan. I think with you and each member of your family needing some immediate care is top priority. Even though the idea of possible disbility seems hard to accept, I eventually had to do it. My children were just in their teens and I couldn’t have handled that at all even if I could’ve handled a job at that time. I have learned to adgust to the income and actually it has went a long way to help me take more of my time to heal instead of daily making it worse.
    I don’t think you are just isolating Lulu. I think you have heard enough from us outsiders and now you and your family can huddle together and fight this together. I hope you still have my e-mail addy in case you want to just give me an update and let me know you all are ok. I am still praying for you all. (((big hugs)))
    ~Carla

    • Oh no, it’s not about you guys. I value your opinions and support so much. It is really the only support network I have. And sometimes, it’s been the thing that stood between me and total self-destruction.

      There’s a lot that goes into this. I need to take huge chunks of time I devote to blogging and reallocate it. I have to put my writing on hold, because it does sap up some of my energy. I need to pull myself away from the grid so I can spend more time focusing in on my reality.

      I have made certain promises to people. Blogging may compromise my integrity. A level of trust has to be established, and then, a level of understand of the function of blogging.

      A lot of what I talk about here are things that go unsaid in my real life. Additionally, they’ve been topics that haven’t been covered by personal journals. I need to take the content and find an appropriate means of communication. I need to start establishing dialogues.

      And I need to reestablish the monologue for myself.

      A lot of things are up in the air, and I need some internal time to reflect. Just to think. Be in a quiet space, and learn how to be still, and how to adjust to silence. To refine my observational skills.

      As I already said, if a serious situation arises that I don’t feel as if I can handle on my own, I know I can confide here. I will make use of this.

      Don’t expect it to be a long absence. And don’t expect it to be a complete absence. I’ll be around. I’m still getting updates. And I want to thank you for your support.

      Know that I am “stable”, even if I’m not completely well. Know that I am taking this time to get myself and everyone else back on track, or on a new track. And when I return, I will hopefully return with good news and a wealth of updates.

      Thank you for everything. All of it. {{HUGS}}

      • I am looking forward to good news too. Also I wasn’t trying to downplay bloggers care and support. You are truly loved here by so many of us. People are not just making their rounds to say something nice, We all really do care about you as a person. I just know that you as a family need this time. I will check from time to time then. (((hugs)))

        • To be truthful, I kind of hope I’m not called to teach summer program. There is so much I need to take care of in the way of everyone’s health, developmental health, and mental health.

          I could use the time off as respite. I know it sounds selfish, but I’m looking forward to enrolling my son into a program. And at this point, it seems like a good idea. He needs the extra structure and support that are sometimes a little lacking around here.

          We love him very much. I know he has special needs, and could probably use more support than we can give here. We’re not professionals. Just parents.

          Next school year, he’ll be eligible for public preschool, so I have to focus on getting him potty trained. I will likely need some wraparound services at home to help me.

          I have no idea how to go about doing that. So, I have to take the time to get in touch with various agencies.

          I waited too long, so the earliest I can get a therapy appointment would be next week. That’s the same week of my husband’s appointment and a couple of weeks before my Pdoc. For now, I’m going to have to wait and see him through. But, I know that this is going to be a necessary, time consuming thing.

          Besides, I think my insurance only allots 23 visits a year, whether it’s group, individual, or family. So, I can’t start eating them up for myself. I was thinking one a month for me, and one for us.

          I know my Pdoc appointments are about to get a lot more frequent when I drop these bombs on him. I have a feeling we’re going to start playing medication roulette again.

          And who knows what’s going to happen when that throws down. I’m going to need a very open schedule, and a very focused brain.

          I will keep everyone up to date with general updates on treatment, just so we can stay on the same page. But, anything else will be on an “as needed” basis.

  2. It’s ok to know that you need a break, god knows we all need one from time to time, some time to catch up with our selves, time to absorb everything that has somehow manifested its self into some kind of rapids that are now so strong we can not swim against the current,
    As for feeling like you don’t want to go back to work, I can totally relate to that feeling especially considering you know in a month they will no longer require you, however as they say the universe supposedly never gives us more than we can handle (nor does god whichever you believe i believe the universe) however i think that they got this a bit mixed up, because there are times where I know my plate is too full (so to speak) and I feel myself drowning in the emotional sea of shit.
    Take it easy, and try to focus on one thing at a time, take baby steps to get you through this stage, and to re strengthen your relationship with your son (incidentally you have not robbed him from being his mum), and take this time to work with your husband on the issues that you both have, forming a united rock.
    ((hugs)) Angel

    • I know I’m a little late to respond, but thank you. Why I named it tides, was because there is this ebb and flow going on, this push and pull, and it’s completely overwhelming. When I tell everyone of progress and how things are slowly getting better, something always happens to push me back to square one.

      I keep telling myself, “You gotta get through this.” Twelve more days until work is over for the year. And, I hate to say this, with any luck they won’t be able to find me a position in the summer program. I could really use the time to get things straightened out. Many things that have cropped up and older things I have been neglecting.

      And for the record, it’s baby steps every single day.

  3. Do what you need to do, we will be here when you are ready. Take care of yourself and your family. The blogsphere will always be here. You know where to find me. *hugs*

  4. I agree; there’s a rhyme and reason to everything. For lack of a better comparison, I had the pendulum swinging over me (and the department I worked in) for months last year. It took a long time before the “higher ups” finally admitted that they were cutting our department, and it took even longer before they said when we would all be laid off. In the end, it was really for the best, though. Good things have come out of it.

    You take the time that you need to take care of yourself and your family. I can personally say that it’s truly helped me ever since I found your blog and joined in on the “Blog for Mental Health 2012” Project. Blogging has kept me going these past two months, and reading blogs like yours has helped me as well. And from here, I’ve “met” so many others who have been down this dark road with depression.

    Sending prayers your way! Please take care of yourself!

  5. Huge hugs, Lulu. It takes a lot of bravery to admit you need a break and even more to actually take it. Please drop in once and a while, even if it’s 50 words or so, and keep us informed. I/we care!!

    • *Hugs* You’re right. I always know when I’ve hit my threshold, and I always know when I’ve gone beyond it. Remember the game of “Uncle” kids used to play? At least when I was young. One kid would do something harmful to another and the other would take it until they couldn’t anymore and scream “Uncle!”

      Hmm, here’s a better example. We used to play hot hands. But it wasn’t just hot hands. It was extreme hot hands. I remember I wouldn’t give in. Kids would slap the tops of my hands as hard as they could, and I would be covered in broken blood vessels. I didn’t care. I wasn’t giving up. And most of the time, I won. The kids realized at one point that they would never win against me, even if my hands were in the worst shape they had ever seen. Plus, they were tired of getting their hands mangled.

      That’s the kind of determination and resolve that I carry with me. So, for me to resign from something, even for a moment, is really saying something.

      Thanks for the confidence boost. Sometimes, I wonder if my choices are for the best. I wonder if I’m deceiving myself into isolating. It’s a mind trick to corner myself alone.

      But at the same time, I realize that I have some intensive solo work to do, you know?

  6. I am sorry that on a personal level you feel like you are unstable… that feeling is with me at all times.
    I am on disability. I was approved in 5 short months… I am assuming it was so fast because I had 11 years of mental medical history at the time of filing (it is now 12yrs).
    It has helped me to work on myself and try to get healthy enough to cope with the stresses of working. I want to last at my next job… not fail because of instability.
    I understand your pain my friend.

    • Right now, I’m trying to work out a few things related to my mental health. I am almost positive I have a few additional diagnoses I need brought to light and then tended to. I’m hesitant to go straight to my Pdoc, so I think I’m going to go through a therapist first. I need to work out what these symptoms are and what they mean.

      • I think that is a good idea. My therapist was the first to notice I had Border Personality traits and worked with my PDoc on the treatment (which is basically DBT). The therapist gets to see more of you and so they get a better feel for any disorder much better, IMO

        • I really feel as if a therapist would probably be more qualified to make the determination. I mean, they get to actually spend time with the person and get to know how they are affected and how symptoms present. Pdocs mostly work off of questionnaires, tests, and diagnostic criteria.

          Plus, I really, really don’t want to have to go through the long explanations as to why my questionnaires aren’t matching up now. There are some things I didn’t recognize as symptoms, because they were a part of my life. Until now, they weren’t troublesome.

          Today, the amount of checking that I do, I couldn’t get out the door to leave for work. Everytime I would, I’d discover something else I thought I didn’t do or didn’t have on my person. I missed my first bus. Thank god I have a sizable cushion in my schedule for things like that.

          But, there are some things I left out because I didn’t think they were a big deal. I was abused as a kid. I did have a domestically violent relationship. I have been sexually assaulted. But, for some reason at the time of my intake, those things weren’t violent and violating things. They were just things that happened.

          I don’t know how to explain why it didn’t seem to be a big deal then, but now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.

          And I hate more than anything to have to tell someone to their face that I deceived them. It wasn’t intentional. I just thought some of these things, like cutting, would go away. They did before. There was a long time between 15 and 20 where it was a sporadic occurrence, though I can’t say I ever really “stopped”. Sporadic meaning less than every six months.

          Which is how it’s been until recently.

          I just don’t want the lecture.

          I realized what’s stopping me from making the therapist appointment. I don’t want anyone to know. I don’t want to be judged on any side of the fence. I am terrified I’m going to get a therapist I despise, and I’m scared of taking crap from my family.

          And worst, I don’t want my husband to know. Because I feel that going to the therapist may be a breach of trust that is finally starting to redevelop between us.

          I’m stuck. No matter what, I’m going to have to lie to someone, and I don’t want to do that. I have to account for the time I’m gone, and I have to have someone to watch my kid.

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