Absences and Avoidance


As many of you are aware, I don’t typically write posts specifically addressing my fellow bloggers. Today, in a desperate plea for help, I am encouraging everyone to read.

First, and foremost, I want to provide reassurance that I am “stable”. I put the quotations, because I don’t mean stable as in a stable state. I mean I am in a stable position in a mood state.

Which mood state?
I haven’t been well, that’s been painfully obvious. First, it was a pretty nasty depressive episode earlier in the year.

At some point, I switched into (hypo)mania without warning, as indicated by my last few posts. I put the word “hypo” in parentheses, because I am starting to have certain doubts as to the severity of the state.

At first, it was the mostly the norm. Irritability, reactivity, hypersensitive, hyperactive (especially hyperactive). Except, there was a significant absence of reduced sleep, delusions of grandeur, and no indication of any excessive happiness. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

I’ve been having crying jags. Not without cause. I am up at 7am most mornings without a fight. I am exercising at least two or more hours a day (not all at once, don’t be worried). Exercise is the only thing that distracts my mind from the jumbled internal world. I feel worthless, disinterested, and unmotivated. But, I’m motivated enough to make the effort to make this insanity in my head go away.

And then, there were the psychotic episodes. I wasn’t aware that the first one was happening until it was over. I sat there on the bus. I had been engulfed in parnanoid delusions for awhile.

My boss was finding reasons to fire me. My co-workers looked down on me amd thought I was inferior. My husband resented me and was cheating on me. My parents thought I was a bad parent, and social services was going to come take my kid away. The police were waiting for me to screw up, so they could thrown me in jail.

Those were very, very real to me. But, it’s not as if that hasn’t happened before. Just, not as intense. What has never happened before were visual distortions and auditory hallucinations. This person kept whispering into my mind. He could see through my eyes and into my memories. And he told me awful things to reinforce those paranoid beliefs.

It was the first time I identified the source as something external while in that state. Typically, I can logically assert that it is internal; it’s an extension of me. This time, I couldn’t.

It happened another time. I started to feel it come on as the first tiny wave in a tsunami. I dropped a subconscious, cryptic text to my husband. By the time I was on the bus, I was arguing with the man. And I was losing, because he knew my future. He could see my whole timeline.

For a moment, it was like coming up for air. I could see it around me. The whole scene had changed. I had written to a good friend, (I’m paraphrasing), “My perception are sharper than ever. I’m painfully aware of my environment. I can look at someone in my peripheral vision, and see them in whole without glancing directly at them for more than a second. My memory is sharp. My depth perception is perfect. If anyone knows anything about me, it’s that my short term memory is shot and I have awful depth perception that makes me kind of clumsy.”

Visual hallucinations now. It’s like I saw things before I saw them. I can’t verify that. And the fact that I had this kind of time jumping, extrasensory perception belief is enough for concern. Fantastic beliefs. Time happened very slowly, agonizing moments, like minutes lived between seconds. My mind was too fast for time to even keep up with.

The second one, well, I obviously acknowledged it in the moment, but I was powerless to assert any kind of logic to break it. My logic was “sound”. It was unquestionably real. Although later I realized, it wasn’t.

And then there’s the obsessions and the compulsions. This has been going on longer than I have acknowledged. I’ve always hoarded office supplies. At some point, I started hoarding clothes. I started collecting them one size bigger, one size smaller, and in styles I was unlikely to wear.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped wanting to touch public anything. It didn’t matter. I am terrified of getting sick. I didn’t want to get to close to people, because I was sure they were going to give me their germs. I got this idea that exercise helped me purge toxins from my body and that scalding hot water was the only way to “purify” myself.

It doesn’t stop there.

No, at one point I stopped hoarding and insisted that everything be thrown away or donated. I insisted that the house was dirty and disorganized. That was part of the big cleaning binge.

It goes on, I’ll spare you every detail. The last, and most important of all of these behaviors are the rituals. I didn’t realize I had them until they started interfering with my life.

Things have to be a “certain way” or else it doesn’t “feel right”. Or something bad will happen. For instance, I have to wear certain pieces of jewelry, or I could risk something bad happening while I’m out of the house. I have to walk a certain way to certain places or else it feels wrong, and I’m compelled to do it over. Certain events have to happen. Change is very, very bad. I have to have certain items on my person at all times.

And then, the panic when something isn’t “right”. It’s unreal. Something rises up in me, and it crawls and tries to burst through my skin. The world spins, and I’m sure I’m going to vomit. I can’t breathe. And then I panic because I think I’m going to die from lack of oxygen.

I’ve never been this bad. Remember the cryptic text about psychosis I dropped to C.S.? Well, I recently found out it wasn’t just for me. It was for him too.

He made the admission to me on Sunday night. Not only is he paranoid and delusional. He has hallucinations. He talks to people in his head.

All if this time and agony for both of us. He made that appointment he promised. And we’ll get a diagnosis(es). We’re thinking somewhere in the schizo spectrum.

Any comments, questions, thoughts, anything would be appreciated right now. This is the hardest time in my life.

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60 thoughts on “Absences and Avoidance

  1. first of all, I am glad just to hear from you. Second, I owe you an apology for somehow falling into the delusion, even though part of me thought this may be a break from reality. I just wanted to be with you where ever you were going. I know I only probably made it worse. I was so worried when you went silent. I was hoping you were inpatient and getting extra care or resting from the ordeal. But I still worried about the worst that it could be. I’m glad you are exercising. It is a good therapy for the mind. Don’t feel embarrassed or anything. I have been there many times. Only it was my children trying to figure out how to help me. I hope you have talked to your PDoc about maybe changing your meds. I find it odd that your husband is going through this too? At least you both will be getting better together. I have been and will be praying for you two. Again, sorry for jumping in, and unwittingly encouraging some of your thoughts. Forgive me please.

    • You have no reason to apologize. None of us could have seen this coming. And he has no idea about my psychosis and OCD behaviors. As far as he knows, I’ve been hyperactive and emotional.

      Now, I need to apologize. I am so sorry I disappeared. I just – I can’t handle it. It’s so much that I’m having difficulty putting it into words. It’s so painful I want to do everything to avoid it. That’s not usually like me. And it’s especially not like me to make people worry.

      I’m sorry. And despite all of this I’m okay. I mean, I’ve found ways to manage it. I’ve decided I’m going to call and make a therapy appointment today. This is really far beyond me. I wanted to wait until he had a diagnosis, but that’s 11 days from now. I don’t know if I can stick it out that long alone.

      I need to work on me. I’m getting barraged, and I’m overwhelmed. Anytime I speak, it’s like I make things worse. Everything I say and do makes him feel bad. I can’t fix it, and all of my efforts to at least be there for him are failing miserably.

      So, before I can get a handle on him, be a structure for him to lean on, I need to get myself straightened out.

      I really feel that all of these symptoms are pressure points that are usually managed by medication. I’m just in very extreme situations right now. And if I have to take medication to be with him, then I shouldn’t be with him.

      I’m facing layoff in less than a month.

      I’m in really bad shape. I mean, I’m functional enough. But every night, when I’m feeling really bad, I think about hospitalizing myself. I just wonder how bad I’m going to get before I really break.

      That’s why I need to go to therapy. I need someone to look after me right now.

      • don’t apologize for being quiet and taking a beak from this. I am just glad that you are ok. I think you do need to see your therapist and get you stronger before he goes because you will need to be stronger for him. Besides, it isn’t good to go on any longer fragile like this. Anytime you need to talk though, I will be here. You can even e-mail if you like;
        Carlarenee46@yahoo.com

            • No, you didn’t lead me astray. Your suggestions are what brought him to the point where he knew he had to tell me. I withdrew, started to shut down, and at that point, he knew he couldn’t go on like this.

              I just hate that he would have gone to such great lengths to hide this. I get it, he”s embarrassed and insecure. He’s afraid I’m going to think it’s weird or scary. I don’t. I’m more scared that he’ll receded so far into himself that he’ll become completely flat. I’m scared for him being scared. And I’m even more scared not really knowing what’s going on.

              Just when you think you’ve got someone pegged. It’s kind of funny. We’ve both made comments in the past that we didn’t feel like we “belonged”, but something in the universe made us feel like we belonged to each other. Like we were cut from the same cloth.

              Maybe we are! Ha!

              The flattening that happens is a defense mechanism that works in two ways. It’s to spare the person the agony of scary paranoid delusions and hallucinations. And it’s also to block out any emotional affect from external stimuli, because there’s already too much.

              I understand, sort of. I’ve never gotten to the point of flattening, exactly. But, I’ve had psychosis, so I know the terror involved there. I just can’t imagine having it all of the time.

              So, thank you for your advice. Monday, I started to become flat with him. I wasn’t mean, I was just indifferent. I really just didn’t want to feel anything for him anymore. And usually, once that is complete, then the mourning happens. The mourning for the loss of a relationship that isn’t even really over yet. After the mourning, there’s nothing left.

              He saw the first stages. He was especially sweet to me after being a jerk in the morning. No response from me. He was incredibly engaging. I responded when I didn’t have anything better to do. Then, he got into his pissy little attitude he likes to put on when he’s actually scared as hell, (I’m still unraveling this whole thing), and said in the evening, “So, you want to tell me what the hell os up with you?”

              To which I answered normally, “Nothing. I’m okay. Why?”

              “You’ve hardly said a word all day.”

              “I don’t know. I guess there really wasn’t much to talk about today.” A classic line he uses on me.

              He recognized it. It’s not dismissive. It’s flat. I had nothing. And I think that’s what prompted him to drop the bomb on me, confess, and make an appointment the next day.

              He’s confusing. He’s so secretive and convoluted. It wasn’t like this at the beginning of our marriage, and we both know it. Both of us met with serious life stressors, like marriage, money, and family and it brought all of these things out of the woodwork. I owned up to mine, for my sanity and so I could be good to my family.

              Now, I guess this is him owning up to his. And by the way, the “intervention” with his mother was part of what prompted this. Except, we thought it was substance abuse.

              Which is why I guess he was so eager to pretend it was substance abuse. Because he didn’t want it to be labeled as a “disorder”.

              Again, still unraveling.

            • I hope so too. I see gains, and I see losses. It’s so hard. I feel like I’m crumbling in. I forgot to make that therapy appointment. I hope they can get me in soon. I need some way to cope with this.

      • I agree that if you need to be medicated in order to live with your spouse, then maybe, just maybe. I have felt that way as well. My husband liked me better on meds, but I often still well….

        Perhaps a visit to the hospital might be in order. It will give you the rest you need, someone to take care of you, close observation, and a hopefully caring environment. You need to be cared for as it seems you never really have had anyone who has really taken care of you.

        It is wise to make the decision before someone does it for you. I nearly walked up there two days ago to admit myself and in the state I was in of running in a terrible agitated state, would have landed in soon order strapped to a bed injected with 5-10 mg of Zydis. Instead, I continued on my screaming and swearing rants in the middle of the ball diamond with my poor little shit tzu ‘Moses’ by my side alternating between gushing love for him and extreme irritability. Landed back with parents throwing dishes and screaming at them finally wrenching my neck. Now my body hurts again. Guess I should have went to the hospital. My parents are afraid to leave me alone again and my husband wants nothing to do with me.

        Had Pdoc appointment yesterday she gave me a PRN of Olanzepine but now that I am calm, now hyperfocused back at the computer, I am afraid it will kick up the agitation again. I did take some several days ago which may have kicked in the agitation in the first place. It can do that to me. But I had not been sleeping and had started to get really low. I just wanted to sleep and escape.

        Best of luck. Hospital sounds like a good bet. You need to be free of responsibility for a while. Your son will be okay in someone else’s care while you are away getting better. You don’t have to do it all. It is okay to be sick, so please do not beat yourself up any longer.

  2. I am fresh out of enlightening comments, but wanted to send along a hug, ‘squish.’

    I have had some of what you have spoken about, but my paranoid stuff and blaming and stuff as you know landed me in hot water. We finally had a blow out on Saturday to rival any we have ever had in our married life of 24 years.

    Every once in a while I get the voice calling my name, no big deal, obsessive monologue where I swear almost it actually has happened and ask the person next to me if I just spoke to them. Strange smells that are confirmed by others as non-existent. Obsessive compulsive stuff, and a few other items on your list, but perhaps not quite to the degree you are or did experience.

    I am glad you have and are getting to the bottom of all this between you and C.S. If I pointed anything out to my husband regarding any of his behavior, he would just turn the blame back on me. His usual line, “well, what did you expect.”

    Maybe you were right about the possible anti-psychotic usage you spoke of in your post, ‘A Spectrum of Depression.’ But maybe now that C.S. is going to get treated, perhaps hold off a bit. I don’t know, but the anti-psychotics are pretty strong stuff.

    • I’m going to hold off on any medication changes. I can’t afford to play roulette right now. If I’m still like this after therapy and his treatment, or of I get any worse, to the point of complete dysfunction, then I’ll take further action.

      I am almost positive a therapist would agree with that logic.

      I’ve had to badger him for years under the “I’m worried about you” banner. The only reason he came forward is because it got so bad that he needed to ask for my help.

      Here we are. Anything I say to him flares the anxiety and feeds the paranoia. Any stimuli. We had a bad moment last night where he locked up, because I started to have a panic attack. I told him we had to be honest with each other if this was going to work. I walked upstairs to take my nightly meds.

      Later, he told me that he was scared that I was going to leave him. I assured him that I wouldn’t. When I say I “assured”, I mean I professed my love to him, and was very honest about it. I don’t often say these things, because I’m worried it’s too intense.

      I do love him. I have never had love like this before, and it’s doubtful I could ever find it again. I told him that he is the only, past, present, and future. I won’t leave as long as he makes it clear that he wants me to stay.

      I think he’s starting to realize how it functions. This morning, I went upstairs to give him the bad news that the TV was messed up. I started to say, “Well, something bad happened.” And when I continued, he interrupted, raising his voice, “Don’t do that! You always do that! I almost had a panic attack!”

      I went downstairs. I made his coffee. He came through and said, “You need to stop doing that! It makes everything worse!”

      I replied, “I don’t need to do anything. And on that topic, if we’re bossing each other around this morning, you need to stop treating me like I do everything wrong!”

      And I cried when I read through the responses. He noticed, I lied. I wasn’t trying to start before work. But, he was cautious to be open, sweet, and verbal this morning.

      It’s so much stress. I just want to tell him that I don’t know how to handle it yet, whatever it is. I need time and patience. I want him to believe me when I tell him I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt him, and to realize that if I upset him, it’s not on purpose. I stopped finding ways to blame my husband for symptoms a long time ago. Whatever he does or doesn’t do is something I need to work with.

    • You’re a darling. Yes, it does help. It makes me feel a little more secure knowing that there is a support group who want me to check in. It keeps me on track, and most of all, it keeps me social and honest. No delusions or denial.

      Thank you!

  3. Wow, sounds like scary business. I was wondering a bit about the worries with your husband since it did sound a little paranoid to me, but one never knows.

    I wouldn’t hold off on going to the psychiatrist for long. You never know when things are going to get much worse, and as you noted, you thought your logic was completely rational at the time, so it’s hard to know that you’d notice and respond appropriately if it happened again.

    • I’ve decided I’m going to get to the therapist first. Damn, and that’s what I forgot to do this morning! I went for a run instead of making my appointment! Blah! I’ll have to wait until after office lunch hours. Boo.

      I want to see what the therapist has to say. Doctors always jump the gun on meds, because they assume that if it’s bad enough to put you in the chair, then you need them. I’m also going, because I’m going to have to learn new behaviors for healthier coping. Although some of my coping mechanisms (like a time-out) work fine for me, they are toxic to my husband. When I walk away, he gets this idea like I’m walking away for good.

      My husband is not completely against couple’s therapy at this point. First, he doesn’t want to go by himself. Though sometimes he’s suspicious of me, I am a “safe” zone. When we go somewhere, if I’m there, it becomes sort of a “safe” zone. He has it in his head that as long as I’m right in my head, I can protect him. From what? I have no idea.

      So, it would be beneficial for both of us to go together when he’s diagnosed. We can learn each other’s symptoms. It will be the first time he’s been involved in my treatment in any way. He has made it very clear to me that he wants me there, every step of the way. And, though there is a little bit of bitterness about him leaving me hanging, I will. I’m his wife. I’m not spiteful!

      Each night, after our son goes to bed, he tells me something new. He’s trying. I’m not allowed to go near him yet. But, I guess we’re going to have to work to get back to that point. He just let himself go so bad – and when he told me it is as bad, if not worse, than his hospitalization in ’04, I started thinking about him maybe relating me to his ex.

      But, I also remember a point in time where he told me that he thought my absence in his life was what made him come loose then. (A couple of months before that, his roomate and I broke up, and I was pretty much evicted). He always told me that he thought I was the glue that held him together. Now, I’m worried that when I came loose, so did he.

      It doesn’t seem coincidental that our episodes seem to coincide, now that I’m looking back. We both went in for treatment in 09, he dropped out six months later. We have both had minor episodes in between, and I can cite them.

      I told him that if he needs an idea of the frequency of the episodes, I have journals. I always record when we are having problems.

      And that’s another thing. When we are both symptom-free, we are two peas in a pod. We’re fantastic. No wonder he encouraged hypomanic episodes. It magnified all of the best about me. And sometimes, like lately, the worst.

      Vicious cycles for sure. I am patiently waiting for him to come to me. In the last few days, whenever I’ve pressed or showed negative emotion, he clams up. So, I just have to take a step back.

      And strategically place my xanax.

  4. Hi Lulu,

    I just want to express how very sorry I am to hear about the struggles you have been going through and especially what you have been going through more recently.

    As you probably know one of the things I suffer from is paranoid schizophrenia and I share that not in suggestion that you also may suffer from it, but in explanation of where I am coming from and by way of introduction to what I am about to say.

    So, given my own paranoid schizophrenia and resultant personal experiences, I can tell you that I personally recognize so much of what you have shared.

    I also want to share with you, for what it is worth and I know that it probably not a great deal, that I can see and progression and both a logical and rational thread in a great deal of what you have shared.

    I say that not to attempt to downplay how devastating an experiencing these things can be – heaven knows I know how devastating they truly can be – but because I personally believe that recognizing the progression and the logical/rational threads contained within is very important.

    The reasons being that a) it shows that even in the apparent chaos there is still some order and b) because what we initially identify as being multiple, separate, and disconnected symptoms are often actually quite connected.

    For example you mentioned your paranoid delusions.

    ‘Boss, co-workers, parents, social workers, police being out to get you and then anyone and everyone ‘public’ and the potential for germs and potential illness.’

    What we need keep in mind is that Paranoia induces vulnerability and vulnerability the feeling (whether conscious or sub-conscious) of losing control. Add to that the visual any auditory hallucinations and that paranoia, the vulnerability and that “loss of control” we believe to be experiencing (and in some ways are experiencing) is greatly heightened.

    Sometimes, in our own perception, our world, our life, is seemingly imploding and doom appears all around us waiting for us, and stalking us even. The universe (or whatever power you personally assign) appears to be out to get us and to do so any way possible.

    BUT recognizing and holding onto the fact that there is a progression there, even if we do not see it or cannot rationalize it or logic it out for ourselves, and that actually there is order within the chaos, can really help us. Even if doing so is so very hard at times.

    Now consider all that alongside the other things you shared…

    Assigning importance to certain things and the way they are done in order to ward off impending doom.

    Having a need/desire for things to be done a certain way and for that ritual and organization you mentioned.

    Are these not both effectively a need to have some control? Some safety net? Some security?

    In an environment of our feeling as if we are ‘losing control’ is it any wonder that we look to claw back or retain some form of control?.

    In an environment where everything seems to be crumbling or imploding, is it any wonder that we need to retain or hold onto some form of safety-net? Some form of security?

    So I want to encourage you. I truly believe that even in the height of our apparent irrationality a sound and logical rationale is in fact behind some of our needs and desires and behaviours and there is still order in the chaos.

    Going through and having to deal with all that you are going through is incredibly tough, trust me I know. Going through that alone is difficult enough but going through it with a partner who also experiences their own mental health issues often makes things so very much harder.

    I truly hope that the psychiatrist appointment does help and if there is anything I can do to help, even in my own inadequate and clumsy way, please do let me know.

    You are a beautiful person and it is commendable that even in the depths of all that is happening you still seek to win through and to share that journey with others.

    Kind Regards,

    Kevin.

    • Kevin, I have so much wanted to talk to you about this.

      I feel like he doesn’t trust me enough to open up. I feel he’s pushing me out, despite him expressing that he so very desperately needs me to stand by his side.

      I’m not well today. I had the worst day at work possible. I know he’s going through his own stuff. But, I’d really like him to hear me out when I’m telling him my symptoms are bad. The added stress is too much. I can’t talk to him. I feel like he’s a stranger anymore. Hiding this from me for years. Why couldn’t he have said anything?

      My mental state is breaking down to the point where I’m so frustrated and distracted that I have difficulty communicating verbally. And I’m so afraid that I’ve done something somewhere along the way to make him distrust me so much. I can’t get my head around this. I know I didn’t cause this. I’m worried I exacerbate his condition. And then, I get so upset when he becomes dismissive when I’m trying to share.

      Tonight, I tried to tell him what’s been going on with me. Psychosis, paranoid, mixed state, for at least a month, as far as I can recognize. To which he replied, “How come everytime something is going on with me, you have to have the same thing.” I said, “Would you like to read my emails? Would you like to read my entries? They happened before you said a word.” And in a way, I was so spiteful in that moment that I wanted to say that he precipitated the worst of it. I wanted to scream in his face with tears in my eyes about all of the times he’s let me down.

      Kevin, there are sometimes where I think I can’t handle this. And this is the worst of it. This has been the worst there has ever been for me. I’ve never experienced a mixed state. It’s horrible. It brought out some kind of OCD thing. I worry that I’m going to go crazy. I worry that I’m going to hurt someone I love in a fit. I want to scream, and cry, and destroy everything in my path.

      But the tears won’t come. No. I want to drive to the woods right now (I won’t, I know I’m not fit to be behind the wheel) and sit and scream. I want to scream and cry. I want to beg God to help me. I want to beg anyone to make these obsessive and psychotic feelings go away. I want myself back. I want reality back.

      I’m going to make that therapist appointment tomorrow. Unfortunately, the way things are right now, I’m going to have to do it behind my husband’s back. I have to get some help. I need help dealing with me before I can start to help him.

      Kevin, does he still love me? You’d know what it feels like to be in that state. I see him so loving and compassionate with our child, and I think, why can’t you share some with me? Is there none left for me? He says he’s “flat”, but it’s a lie. He’s flat with me. And it kills me. What can I do to help him? Leave him alone? He doesn’t want to be alone, but he doesn’t want me near him. I sometimes feel like I’m on a choke chain. He won’t talk. And when he does, I seem to go and screw it up.

      And what if, what if this is the rest of our lives? This push and pull. Kevin, I love him. I’ve made it very clear to him that I love him, and I would stand by him for the rest of my life, as long as he wanted me. But, if he can’t love me back, if he’s flat and distant, and sometimes intentionally hurtful, saying as if I become symptomatic on purpose . . . I can’t deal. I can’t.

      When this whole diagnosis happens, I want him to do family therapy with me. I think he would agree at this point. I think he knows that he’s let this go on too long and things around him are crumbling. And if that’s the case, I will support him, even if it takes me down. As long as one day he can find the strength to pull me back up.

      • Hi Lulu,

        Before saying anything else I want you to know that I really do feel your pain, I have experienced it in the frustration and powerlessness I have personally felt over those I love who have been experiencing really bad times with their mental health. Additionally, when I am going through really bad times with my mental health, I have seen it in the eyes of those who love me and who were experiencing the same level of frustration and powerlessness.

        I also want to respond to what you have said and to do it point by point. (Which is going to make this a very long response and I apologize, in advance, to you and to other readers for this. But I do feel it is important.)

        You are going through so much and I want so much to address each point you have This will of course make my response a fairly lengthy one and I apologise to you and other readers for this but I do so very much want you to know beyond doubt that we, (myself and other readers) are listening and we do care. We may not be able to be there with you physically to hug you safely and help you through this but we can at least do that through our words.

        You mentioned that you ‘have so much wanted to talk to me about this’. Please, please know you can do that at any time.

        As I said in my last comment, so much of what you are going through and what you have shared is so very understandable…

        You mentioned the feelings that, ‘he doesn’t trust you enough to open up’ and that, ‘he’s pushing you out, despite his expressing that he so very desperately needs you to stand by his side.’

        Lulu, I am no expert here and I am certainly no mental health practitioner, just some guy with similar conditions and a bag full of experiences but what I am hearing in his comments is less like he is trying to push you out and more like he doesn’t know how to let you in.

        Your own health is so very much at play in this also. Having ‘the worst day at work possible’ makes it so very difficult here and the truth is that you have needs and that those needs are just as important as anyone else’s. Part of those needs is for him to be there for you and I can only imagine how very frustrating it must be that he isn’t there for you at this time. But it is important I feel to establish whether he can’t be there for you at this time or just won’t be there for you at this time.

        You mentioned that you “know he’s going through his own stuff” and you understandably say that you’d “really like him to hear me out when you are telling him that your symptoms are bad”. It is totally understandable that the added stress is too much for you. Especially since you “can’t talk to him.” And “feel like he’s a stranger anymore.”

        The probable fact is that he is a stranger at the moment and probably not only a stranger to you but also (and this is very important) a stranger to himself.

        “You say, and rightly so, that he had been, “Hiding this from me for years” and ask. “Why couldn’t he have said anything?”

        Lulu, the truth is that I don’t know him and so I can only answer that from my own perspective and experience on this. But I can tell you that when you have those voices in your head and they are at you day and night. When you know that they are inside you (no matter how unreal or psychologically explainable they may be) and that they are a part of you but such an alien part of you. You neither trust yourself or even recognize yourself or know yourself.

        Additionally (and trust me I speak from bitter experience here) you don’t like yourself nor love yourself. How then can you believe that anyone else (who knew the real you) could ever really like you let alone love you?
        You probably haven’t been in a place where you have been able to follow my blog lately but I recently shared on my blog that over the weekend I sat and wrote eighteen letters to my family members.

        Those letters (and several before them) were written in an attempt to repair relationships which have broken down so miserably as a direct result of my having hidden and lied about my mental health for years. Additionally my marriage failed because my mental health (much of which I hid from my wife for years before it got so bad I could no longer hide it.) worsened to such an extent that I was no longer the man she married and she fell out of love with me.

        It is little wonder, with everything that you have going on that you mental state is breaking down to the point where you are so frustrated and distracted and where you have difficulty communicating verbally.
        I understand completely the fear, ‘that you’ve done something somewhere along the way to make him distrust you so much.’ But the fact is that what he is dealing with is not of your making.

        You have to hold on to the truth in these situations – he has been ‘hiding this from you for years’ the truth is that it is not of your making. As for your making the situation worse, the fact is that he affects your mental health just you affect his and that is life.

        We all impact each other’s moods, emotions, mental health and yes there are things we can and should do when we realize that we are having a negative affect but we aren’t always in a place where we are able to be mindful of that or even able to do that.

        I so understand the frustration you are feeling in all this and how you “get so upset when he becomes dismissive when I’m trying to share.”

        You mentioned that, “Tonight, you tried to tell him what’s been going on with you – Psychosis, paranoid, mixed state, for at least a month, as far as I can recognize. To which he replied, “How come every time something is going on with me, you have to have the same thing.”

        As hurtful and dismissive as that may have seemed, I can in some ways understand it. If he is anything like I was before I started exploring and learning about my mental health and before it become better managed, he probably doesn’t understand what is going on is mind and probably doesn’t believe anyone else can.
        This puts you in a position whereby you feel so very alone and very isolated and misunderstood and as a direct result of your not having shared it (although you can’t see that at the time) as if no-one really cares about you and what you are going through.

        As harmful and wrong as this thinking may be, someone else – even and in some ways especially someone so close to you – expressing they have the same or similar things going on as you, instead of saying to you “great now I can actually share what is happening with me” can sometimes say to you “oh great now no-one will care about me it will all be about them and what they are going through.”

        Your response to this was of course perfectly natural: “Would you like to read my emails? Would you like to read my entries? They happened before you said a word.”

        I can totally understand your being, as you put it “in a way, so spiteful in that moment” and wanting to say “that he precipitated the worst of it.” And I totally understand your wanting “to scream in his face with tears in your eyes about all of the times he’s let you down.”
        But the sad irony is that those feelings you were having quite possibly came from the same place his feelings were coming from. “A need for someone to hear and care about me.”

        Kevin, there are sometimes where I think I can’t handle this. And this is the worst of it. This has been the worst there has ever been for me.
        I’ve never experienced a mixed state. It’s horrible. It brought out some kind of OCD thing. I worry that I’m going to go crazy. I worry that I’m going to hurt someone I love in a fit.

        Lulu, I am so truly sorry for what is going on with you both. I am only able to offer my perspective from my own experiences and hope and pray (and I am doing a lot of praying for you all) that you can benefit from some of the tragic and devastating mistakes I myself have made in the past.
        It is perfectly natural that you “want to scream, and cry, and destroy everything in your path.” Likewise it is perfectly understandable that “the tears won’t come.” Your wanting “to drive to the woods right now and sit and scream.” Is also very understandable and is part of our fight or flight responses. Your wanting to “scream and cry” and to “beg God to help you” is very appropriate and do that if you can.

        I will try to help you in any way I can and I want you to always feel able to ask for that help. As much as it may not seem like it as this time there is hope I promise you there is hope and you can get through this.
        The obsessive and psychotic feelings may not fully go away but with the right treatment and therapy can be manageable and their effects made less harmful.

        I know so well those intense feelings of “I want myself back” and “ I want reality back.” Again they are very natural and the truth is that they will come, I promise you they will come.

        I am so very encouraged that you are going to make that therapist appointment tomorrow.

        Yes it is unfortunate, the way things are right now, that you are going to have to do it behind his back. BUT you are so very right you do have to get some help and do need and you have every right to get help dealing with you before you can start to help him.

        Lulu, you asked me, “Kevin, does he still love me?” and said, “I’d know what it feels like to be in that state.”
        The fact of the matter is that I don’t know your husband and can’t really answer that for him, which you already know judging by your statement about my knowing what it feels like to be in that state.

        But I can, as you say, share my perspective and my experience and, for what it is worth, I can tell you that part of the reason I hid my mental health, part of the reason I made the mistakes I mentioned above, and part of the reason that I lied about my mental health or seemed cold and distant with the ones I loved and who loved me was (and yes I know this sounds weird) because I loved them and because I truly believed that I was toxic or harmful or unhealthy for them.

        It really would not surprise me if that isn’t at least a part of what it going on with your husband. There is just such a ring of familiarity between what you are describing and my own personal experiences.

        In respect of how he is with your child, I can also tell you that the mindset we have concerning our children – our perceived potential to harm them and their perceived potential to harm us – is much different to that of an adult loved one and our perceived potential to harm them or their perceived potential to harm us.

        Even the inner belief of our own toxicity, is considered within that truth and is entirely different with our children especially our younger children than an adult loved-one.

        As sad as it is, and as painful as it for you, the fact that you see him so loving and compassionate with your child, and your thinking “why can’t you share some with me? Is there none left for me?” is again understandable.

        You say. “He says he’s “flat”, but it’s a lie. He’s flat with me.” And rightfully you say, ”and it kills me.” And you ask, ”What can I do to help him? Leave him alone?”

        I truly believe he isn’t as flat as he may think he is but that he is extremely near to it.

        What he offers your child comes from the deepest of places within us – the need to provide for a vulnerable dependent child – the same place that is within you for your child. But that is a different place to his need to provide for you and your need to provide for him.

        When you yourself consider your husband and his needs and your child and your child’s needs, they way you look at them comes from a similar but different place within you and the same is true of him.

        You say, “He doesn’t want to be alone, but he doesn’t want me near him2 and that you feel like you are, “a choke chain”. That “He won’t talk. And when he does, you seem to go and screw it up.”
        The probable truth is that he doesn’t know what he wants or what is right or what is wrong. Because of this anything you offer has the potential to be seen by him as being wrong because he doesn’t really know what right is.

        So all you can do in that situation is be true to yourself and at the same time get all the help you can get in order to enable you to be you.

        You understandably ask, “And what if, what if this is the rest of our lives? This push and pull. Kevin.”
        I want you to know that I truly do not believe that this is the way it is going to be for the rest of your lives and one reason I do not believe that is because I even though I do not know your husband at all and even though I only know you a little I do know you enough to know that you will not allow this to be the way it is for the rest of your lives – not your life, you husband’s life nor your child’s life.

        I know that it may be so very difficult for you to believe in you right now but I believe in you and I, for all my faults and craziness am an excellent judge of character. I am also sure that other’s reading this, also believe in you.

        You have needs and have every right to get the right treatment and therapy and that must be your first priority in this.

        But I have to say that from what I can see your husband also desperately needs to get the right treatment and therapy now.

        What I am going to suggest to you now may seem a little weird but trust me it could really help. I want you to try and step out of the situation for a moment or two.

        What I would like you to do is to sit and write you a letter. BUT instead of writing it from yourself, write it from your husband to you the mental health blogger as if you two had ever met.

        Write it from the perspective of him as someone who doesn’t really know what is going on with himself, but has come across your blog and is writing about and from the behaviours that you yourself are aware of and remember he (or you for him) is writing to a stranger – a blogger who knows about and blogs about mental health.

        When you have done that, again stepping out of the situation slightly and removing the intense personal nature of it all, ask yourself what you would encourage him to do. And in respect of how you help him in future, start from that starting point.

        I have no doubt in my mind that you love your husband and can conquer this and win through and I have no doubt that you can do this as a family.

        In life a husband and wife have a tremendous gift for each other and their child/children and that gift is a tremendous responsibility also – To love and cherish and to support each other and to provide for their child/children. Your lives (those strands) are intertwined and rely on each other.

        But in a situation where suddenly your own strand starts to get weak and to fray and you realise that the other strand is breaking the best thing you can do is to temporarily reduce your reliance on that other strand and do everything you can to repair your own strand so that you can rely on you and you can then help repair their strand.

        Lulu, I am so very sorry to you and other readers that this has been such a long response, and I hope that I have made some sense and been able to help and offer some hope.
        I truly think this is such an important issue and that you and your hubby and child are worth that help and that hope.

        Please know you, your hubby and child are in my heart and my prayers.

        Kind regards,

        Kevin.

        • You never need to apologize for leaving a long, helpful, kind of cleansing response. It made me cry. It wasn’t a bad thing. I haven’t been crying enough. I’ve been swallowing it down. It feels good to be able to sit here, and have someone tell me that it’s okay that I feel these things. And I know that it’s okay to cry.

          I feel so bad for my son. He senses it. He walks into the room every now and again and looks hard into my face. He doesn’t communicate well, so I worry that he wonders if he did something wrong. But, I think it is healthy in the same way for my son to see me express both positive and negative emotion. My parents didn’t show emotion. It’s difficult for me to show emotion appropriately outside of words.

          It’s hard to believe that he’s just not letting me in. I was in before. In the 10 years we’ve been together (in various relationships), he has always regarded me as someone “special”, a confidant, someone he would trust with his life. Today, I’m his wife. It feels like I’m the enemy.

          I’ve felt the distance growing slowly throughout the years. And you’re probably right. He’s probably thinking that he needs to remove himself from me. I’ve had the same thoughts, obviously.

          And you’re also right. I know he’s not thinking clearly. I’m just not well versed in the cognitive effects. I’m at a loss with this. And I would believe he may not even be doing it intentionally. I’ll bring it up, and he looks baffled. But, he’s always been a “liar”, so I never know. I use the term “liar” loosely, because some of the lies might not have been lies to him.

          I will write that letter.

          And I came to my final decision regarding the interaction of him and me. I need to remove myself and limit my interaction. It’s one of the biggest pressure points for me right now. I am not alienating him. I am only dedicating less time to him in my free moments and more time to me.

          If he needs or wants something from me, he’s going to have to find a way to express it. I have anxiety about doing the right thing. Instead, I’m not doing anything. He will come to me. And I wish it wouldn’t cause him distress, but I can’t keep obsessing about him while neglecting myself at the same time.

          I slept downstairs last night. He was sprawled out across the bed. So much for the whole, “I like my side of the bed.” There are so many lies, it hurts. I know he’s lied so much in order to cover this up. Anyway, it was the most restful sleep I’ve had in awhile. I didn’t worry about disturbing him. I could just lay there. And sadly, it wasn’t even lonely. It’s lonelier sleeping next to a person who doesn’t want to be touched and doesn’t want to touch you.

          I plan on staying on the sofa for a little while.

          But, the lies. I’ve always considered him an honest man I could trust. Now, I don’t know. I understand that he lied for various reasons. He thought he didn’t need treatment. He was worried I’d think it was “weird” or “crazy”. (“Look who you are talking to,” I said.) He didn’t want a label and is afraid of medicine. He doesn’t want people to think he’s crazy or dangerous. (Welcome to my world.)

          And most of all, he wanted to lie to himself.

          I wish I could know if he’ll get better. You know, to where we once were. Open, honest. In a place where we found joy in one another.

          I can assure you that I won’t fall out of love with him. He is my only. Even underneath it all, I still see the healthy him peeking through. I still see a shine in his eyes sometimes, and a subtle look of happiness. If I knew that was the man I was going to meet on the other side, I wouldn’t be so scared.

          He’s got an intake ten days from now. It takes awhile around here. But, he managed to get that intake in two weeks, which is pretty much a miracle. I don’t doubt they’ll have him in to see the doctor immediately after.

          I know there’s hope. If he needs me there, as he tells me, then he still wants me. There is still some trust, and likely some affections.

          For now, I’m receding into myself. He is free to do the same. And hopefully, this will not become a sore spot.

          • Hi Lulu

            I have been catching up, and these notes with Kevin well… I could have nearly written what you have put and most been my story. You have said things I have thought and could not have record with such insight. My husband and myself have had a similar relationship. It has been really good and many times painful. Still thinking of you.

            I am at my home in the country now again. Where I was when I first started checking out your blogs. I told him I needed to stay for a while. He left. At any rate, this home is no longer a home but a house. I miss him being upstairs watching tv even if I was not up there with him. His presence felt securing and I know he must have felt the same.

            This is a huge grieving time. I have obsessed over him for such a long time and grew so tired and needed a rest. Problem is I stayed away too long. There are reasons, although I still don’t understand.

            I am still thinking about you. And continue to pray.

  5. I wish I had something to say that would help, but I just want you to know that youre in my thoughts.

    • Your support means the world. I feel so alone, you know? I am hurting, and I’m alone. And I know it’s not as if he means to do this. I know that now. But, it only makes it hurt just a little less, but crops up a whole thing of anxiety I can’t begin to explain.

      I think I want my doctor to add another benzo and an AP. I hate taking more medicine, because we can hardly afford what I take. And then my husband will inevitably be taking medication. I need an emergency benzo for acute symptoms. I need the AP. The mixed states are getting worse. The last time I was this bad was just after I had my son. Maybe even worse. That’s what prompted treatment. I didn’t realize that I had mixed episodes. I didn’t realize it could get this bad.

      I’m so desperate I’m willing to try anything.

  6. all i can do is offer my support and thoughts to you. if i can do anything at all, please reach out and let me know. i don’t know what to say that hasn’t been said already, and i don’t want to sound trite…just know that i am here for you. please take care. *hugs*

    • You are in no way trite. I really appreciate it. Again, this means the whole world to me. I’ve been isolating. I’m so alone. I really am. And I’m scared and I’m uncertain. Just to know that there are people who care and want so much to be there with me means everything. Thank you.

    • Oh Shelly, I am finally crying. Not over what you said. I am relieved that I have a support group here. I am finally able to release all of the everything that I can’t do when my husband is awake. I needed this cry. I need a lot more crying than I can do in front of everyone. Crying is dramatic. Crying is shamed, and it’s weak. I can’t do it. I can’t trust people. I can’t trust anyone anymore to handle me when I’m raw, fragile, and vulnerable.

      I can trust you. Everyone here. I can trust that you will listen, not judge, and just stand beside me when there is nothing that can be said. It’s okay. I just need to know I’m not alone. That if I do really finally break down, I will have people there, urging me to do what’s right for me. I feel safe.

      Thank you.

  7. I wish I could say something useful. I had been wondering where you were, and I’m glad to have this update. I wish you luck with everything and am thinking of you. I have faith that you all can work through this. *hugs*

    • I’m so sorry if I alarmed anyone. I have always promised that if there was something serious going on, like I’m going to be hospitalized, I’d at least put up a short post before I go. I have always promised I won’t try to take my life. I won’t. I’m a mother. Even in my worst states, I could never leave him with such a terrible blow. This little fragile boy, sensitive like me. I know when I can’t play, he is so dejected. And I hate doing that to someone else.

      I need to bring it in. I need to stop with him (husband) and bring it in for me. I will be there at his request, but I can’t involve myself. I need to fortify myself. Stand on my own. Focus on being well for me so that my son may not have to go through the same painful illness I do.

      I’m so glad you feel that way. I don’t know if I can make it intact. I’ve really been thinking about committing myself. But, I’ve felt as if I need to wait until my husband has gotten a diagnosis and a treatment plan. In the meantime, I will do what I can to fortify myself. My appointment isn’t until the 6th (June). I will tell the therapist, but I will insist that my husband is more acute and has suffered far too long in silence. I have time. I need better coping skills.

      And it’s so embarrassing. I feel like a teenager, starting this all over again. Like I’m right back to the beginning. I think of James Claims sometimes, and his breakdown. I think of his pain at those thoughts, and how I tried to be so supportive. A setback doesn’t mean I made no progress. I try to repeat the things I’ve said to others to myself. I don’t know why it doesn’t stick.

      Thank you. I really need everyone right now. I have so few people in my life. I was thinking of calling on a friend tomorrow. Maybe we’ll take an evening walk so I can explain this. We’ll sit at the park. I know he’ll worry. He has enough on his plate. But, he’s the only person I’d ever trust to not judge, and never open his mouth about it. He’s a good man.

  8. hi, just checking on you again. Did you say that your appointment with your therapist wasn’t until June 6th? That seems so long for you to have to cope before hand. I believe you already said it, but you do have to think about you and your own well being. I know you want to wait until your husband get some help first but seriously, if you go on like this by then you may not be able to be there for him at all. If nothing else. Keep yourself open to communication with helpful friends. Maybe you should go for a walk with your friend if you trust that this friend will be understanding and be able to gage just how bad the situation is. I am praying for you. You said sometimes you just want to cry out to god to help you. Do that, you will not be alone. Hugs

    • My appointment with the Pdoc isn’t until June 6. I’m scheduling the appointment for therapy ASAP. I’m hoping to get in sometime next week, but I need to check with my mother’s schedule first. She’ll be the one taking me, because I don’t have the car in the day.

      I’d rather no one knows, but I wouldn’t know how to get there via public transit. Even if buses go there. But, I know I need to sit my mother down and really give her the gravity of the situation. I think she has an inkling, and she agrees that I need a person(s) to keep me in check. So, I think despite the serious inconvenience it would be for her, she might actually get on board this time.

      It’s this, or hospitalization.

      I know medicine can only go so far. I need a professional to help me figure out me and help me fix me. If that makes any sense.

      I’ll see if I’m feeling like it later. Let’s just say I had a bad, long night last night, slept on the sofa, and we’ll leave it at that. And do you know what? It was the most comfortable, restful sleep, (the little I got) I’ve had in awhile.

      I’m not going to address these issues. I’m just going to take action now. Sleeping on the sofa is better for now. Being in a different room is better. Being alone at night is better.

      And limiting my contact is better. I am sorry if it causes him internal hell. But, this push and pull is killing me. If he wants me to be around so much, then he will have to address it.

      • Im glad you aren’t waiting that long to see the therapist. It would be so wonderful if your mother could be your anchor right now.I hope she does see the gravity of how badly you need her to be there right now. It seems like you are coherently trying to make the right decisions. That is wonderful.
        But I have been in the situation before when I really needed inpatient care but I knew it would be such an inconvienince on everyone around me, especially my parents and kids. But if you need to go, somehow things will work out and all will be back to normal soon enough.

        • I’m going to go every route before inpatient. Inpatient will only come before everything else if suicidal ideation comes into the picture. Serious things, like imagining scenarios and making plans. I haven’t. It’s off the table, and has been for awhile now.

          My mother cannot be my anchor. She can’t even be her own. I don’t trust her. I could trust my father, but any mention of my husband in any part of that, and he’d be going for the shotgun.

          I’m not going it alone. I have all of my wonderful friends here. And soon, I will have a therapist. I keep getting caught up. I don’t know how soon they can get me in. But, in the next ten days would be great.

  9. I had meant to get back with you about your situation when I commented a while back, but so much went on with me and you know, you have to do what’s best for you. I did have you in my thoughts. I’ve been needing to avoid the really triggering posts lately.

    So, I haven’t read anything new from you. I’m glad you’re “stable”. It makes me glad to know that at least you’re stable in some degree.

    Are you seeing a therapist now? I hope you are.

    I hope you’re getting the support you need and feel free to email me too. Again, I just can’t read some posts right now. I’m needing to avoid for my own sake… I’ve also been writing more.

    HUGS xoxoxxx

    • I understand. I am keeping to myself, because it’s self-preservational.

      I appreciate your support. Everyone’s outreach has been the crutch keeping me going, the dressing to my wounds, and the nurtuing of my soul.

      I’m going to mention that it’s the weekend, so I’m usually off the grid. I do respond to personal emails on the weekends, but I rarely report. I will try to keep a line open though. Things have a way of turning ugky fast around here.

      • Please do. I’m a late responder myself, but a good at responding overall, if that makes sense.

        Self preservation is what I’ve been needing and doing faithful these last couple of weeks. Some really terrible things went down for me last month so I couldn’t risk a break down. And I noticed some of my favourite bloggers were triggering me, so yeah…

        Keep taking care of yourself.
        xoxoxxx

  10. p.s. Maybe you two can be a little more open now that he’s told you some of his mental struggles. Exercise is great for you too. It’s helped me so much this months. Keep going at it Lulu. 🙂

    • You know, he does talk now and again. But, I’ve noticed that when I try to help by saying something, it doesn’t work very well. So, again, hands off approach. I listen, and I’ll ask some pretty neutral questions. That’s it.

      I am trying not to take some of this personally. The way he backed up and pulled his knees to his chest last night when I went to sit on the bed near him. I wasn’t trying to touch him. I gave up on that. I just couldn’t hear him across the room.

      He did relate to me that there are times when he is “perfectly fine”. I told him to talk to some of the bloggers. It’s episodic.

      I’d like to encourage him to blog, but I know he probably won’t. This is going to take a really long time. I know in some ways, he’s driven for a diagnosis because he knows he needs help. But, at the same time, he’s fearful, and will have a difficult time accepting it.

      Unfortunately, that’s something he’s going to have to work out on his own.

    • Today has just kinda started over here. LOL.

      It was a late night for Mister. I know this is against all therapeutic advice I’ve read online, and I’ve just been leaving him be. It hurts him more when I press, and it hurts me when I pull away.

      Only nine more days until we get a diagnosis. I don’t know how many more until we see the doc. But, I’m hoping they can get him in within a week. He needs it.

      He told me yesterday was a little better. But, I don’t really have a measure of what better or worse really is. So, I can assume he’s telling me he’s less psychotic or less anxious or less disturbed in general.

      He talks about it sporadically. I listen patiently, but, I really don’t have much to offer right now.

      • Not having anything to offer is no crime.

        To thine own self be true does have it’s virtues and when you have little to offer offering little is acceptable and wise.

        How are you holding up at the moment?

        You and your family are in my heart and prayers.

        Kind Regards

        Kevin

      • No, no, no…I’m here for YOU!! I’m cool. That thing you need is my pressuring you. I wanted to read every relevant comment before putting my foot in my mouth. Its so easy for me to do that… … …wanna see!!!

        http://search.babylon.com/imageres.php?iu=http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TUpgfO-Pe88/TdUeqghh5SI/AAAAAAAAAEw/xUpsjr6-_z4/s1600/foot%2Bin%2Bmouth.jpg&ir=http://peppywrites.com/2011/05/would-you-like-something-to-drink-with-that-foot-in-your-mouth/&ig=http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSnVGSOaRARAVHKViPjzgIQvL1YDufQG9tcXsyU61tQxAA05r9YH5RGJHc&h=503&w=656&q=putting+my+foot+in+my+mouth&babsrc=KW_ss

        I’m late to the party…nightmare, it is…but tell me what to do!! I have so many questions and I won’t ask ’cause questions suck…the life out of you…and I don’t want to do that to you.

        I was going to respond earlier, but time got away from me. This is what I was going to say…now half-edited, from a concerned and impotent soul. Be “in conversation”, in dialogue, with me. Stay.

        —“”I’m composing this letter in MicroSoft Word because it promises to long and complicated. My own mind gets fragmented when it comes to complex thoughts…which is the way I to you, full of jokes and puns and whatever because…where was I? Shit.

        You say—“Any comments, questions, thoughts, anything would be appreciated right now. This is the hardest time in my life”.

        I hear you. I don’t know what to DO though. But be your witness. I won’t leave you. As best as I can, I will.

        You say—“Anytime I speak, it’s like I make things worse.”… … …I know this place. Been there, done that! Sometimes all I can do is to stop. Stop thinking. Stop doing. I sit in my wheelchair, and breathe. In and out. In and out. Until it goes away. Or changes to something else. [The damned spell-check wants to make complete sentences. I DON’T WANT COMPLETE SENTENCES!!! I’M CRAZY AND FUCK YOU, SPELL-CHECK.]

        In and out. In and out. In and out. Do nothing. In and out. In and out.

        We talked once about Mr. Beau Jangles. He did his dance and then he sat down. Sit down, Lulu. Sit down.

        I see “Carla Renee” understands. Cool!! No competition here.

        You say—“And it’s also to block out any emotional affect from external stimuli, because there’s already too much.”… … …Should I not to you like this? Is it too much? I know I can overwhelm people with my own emotion. Just tell me. I won’t be offended.

        You say—“I really just didn’t want to feel anything for him anymore.”… … …My wife and I go though a similar process. She’s so depressed. I’m so happy. We’re threats to each other. Seems similar to me. What the hell do I know.””—

        That’s what I was writing when I got your earlier post. We’ll talk/write later… … …unless I’ve already gone too far already. Just know I’m here. Ask and you shall receive. Until my little lamp goes dry.

        T

        • No, you haven’t gone too far. Any feedback is always welcomed feedback.

          It’s interesing. I’ve always wondered how I got this odd behavior of a woman’s thinking and a man’s doing.

          I’m a woman. I am a worrier by nature and by legacy. I will sit and go over something dozens of times to the point of where it overloads my emotions. And when I cannot stop thinking, I develop tics.

          But, unlike many women I know, (no offense to any ladies. You may find you are much the same) I have the male part of my brain that says, “Fixit fixit fixit fixit FIX IT!”

          I’m a great crisis responder. Except, crisis situations are acute, and generally don’t last for any significantly emotionally draining duration. (I get that from my dad. My mother runs around screaming, basically.)

          When I can’t fix, I’m helpless. I feel like I’m failing someone. I swore before God and everyone I know that I’d stand beside him “for better and worse”. That’s not the only thing rooting me in this. I love him. Not a version of him, or an idea of him. Him. This has always been a part of him. It just didn’t have a name. And it wasn’t this serious.

          I did remove myself from the situation. I couldn’t turn the obsession switch off. I went emotionally flat, letting everything just wash over me.

          Some time has passed, and it’s a little different now. A little. I’ll write a post later. But, to say the least, it’s difficult to deal with the behaviors and the strain, but at least I know some basic things. The fundamentals to our marriage haven’t suffered much damage. He needs me, he’s admitted. He wants me. And he can’t do this without me. He wants to get well, and will do everything he can to do so.

          That means trying out medication he may be afraid of. That means the possibility of couple’s therapy (he’s been insuring that even if I’m feeling the effects, our son’s life will go on as usual). And he knows that he needs to focus more than ever before on himself, his emotions, wants, needs, etc. These are areas he’s not exactly focused in. (What man really is before a catastrophic event?)

          If he’s willing, I’m able. Interestingly enough, since I put my own focus on myself, to fix me, I’m a lot better. I don’t feel like I have full blown mania. No psychosis. Still some OCD symptoms. Maybe hypomania. But, I’m not so through the roof that I’m incoherent anymore. It was getting to the point where it was difficult to talk, let alone focus.

          Again, I’ll write a follow-up today. Or tomorrow. You know I don’t like making promises about posts.

          • I’m really glad that you feel a little more stable. I still think an appointment would be wise to the therapist just in case. You never know what can happen from day to day with the mind and emotions. Still praying. I am still checking on you often to see how you are doing. hug

            • I’ll have a post out later. We’re having company. To be talked about later.

              I’m definitely going to make that appointment. I have a reminder in my phone for tomorrow after my run to call. I’d call earlier, but mornings are so complicated at my house. The boys aren’t usually up until 8:30.

              Technically, I could probably get out for a run and get back before anyone is up. But, if T.D. gets up while I’m gone, C.S. might be miffed. Understandably. His job is to get out the door to work in the morning, not get our kid up. That’s my job.

              Besides, running with a stroller containing a 55lb child is way harder. I have so much more upper body strength from doing that!

            • Im fixing to go to Lexington to help my daughter for the day. But I will check back tonight when I get home to see ifyou’ve posted. Have a peaceful day

    • Taxi dog, pardon me for asking but I noticed that you said “I see “Carla Renee” understands. Cool!! No competition here” I don’t understand. Do you think I am trying to compete for something?

      • I’m the least competitive person you’ll ever know. I’m not sure what I trying to say back then, but if I seemed too bold or something, I’m sorry. I’m just an old blogging friend.

        • ok, I just had no idea what you meant. I am a concerned blogger is all. Lulu has grown to become one of my blogger friends and my concern for her is genuine and I am in no way trying to compete with anyone for anything. I just had to clear that up. Thank you.

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