As many of you are aware, I don’t typically write posts specifically addressing my fellow bloggers. Today, in a desperate plea for help, I am encouraging everyone to read.
First, and foremost, I want to provide reassurance that I am “stable”. I put the quotations, because I don’t mean stable as in a stable state. I mean I am in a stable position in a mood state.
Which mood state?
I haven’t been well, that’s been painfully obvious. First, it was a pretty nasty depressive episode earlier in the year.
At some point, I switched into (hypo)mania without warning, as indicated by my last few posts. I put the word “hypo” in parentheses, because I am starting to have certain doubts as to the severity of the state.
At first, it was the mostly the norm. Irritability, reactivity, hypersensitive, hyperactive (especially hyperactive). Except, there was a significant absence of reduced sleep, delusions of grandeur, and no indication of any excessive happiness. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
I’ve been having crying jags. Not without cause. I am up at 7am most mornings without a fight. I am exercising at least two or more hours a day (not all at once, don’t be worried). Exercise is the only thing that distracts my mind from the jumbled internal world. I feel worthless, disinterested, and unmotivated. But, I’m motivated enough to make the effort to make this insanity in my head go away.
And then, there were the psychotic episodes. I wasn’t aware that the first one was happening until it was over. I sat there on the bus. I had been engulfed in parnanoid delusions for awhile.
My boss was finding reasons to fire me. My co-workers looked down on me amd thought I was inferior. My husband resented me and was cheating on me. My parents thought I was a bad parent, and social services was going to come take my kid away. The police were waiting for me to screw up, so they could thrown me in jail.
Those were very, very real to me. But, it’s not as if that hasn’t happened before. Just, not as intense. What has never happened before were visual distortions and auditory hallucinations. This person kept whispering into my mind. He could see through my eyes and into my memories. And he told me awful things to reinforce those paranoid beliefs.
It was the first time I identified the source as something external while in that state. Typically, I can logically assert that it is internal; it’s an extension of me. This time, I couldn’t.
It happened another time. I started to feel it come on as the first tiny wave in a tsunami. I dropped a subconscious, cryptic text to my husband. By the time I was on the bus, I was arguing with the man. And I was losing, because he knew my future. He could see my whole timeline.
For a moment, it was like coming up for air. I could see it around me. The whole scene had changed. I had written to a good friend, (I’m paraphrasing), “My perception are sharper than ever. I’m painfully aware of my environment. I can look at someone in my peripheral vision, and see them in whole without glancing directly at them for more than a second. My memory is sharp. My depth perception is perfect. If anyone knows anything about me, it’s that my short term memory is shot and I have awful depth perception that makes me kind of clumsy.”
Visual hallucinations now. It’s like I saw things before I saw them. I can’t verify that. And the fact that I had this kind of time jumping, extrasensory perception belief is enough for concern. Fantastic beliefs. Time happened very slowly, agonizing moments, like minutes lived between seconds. My mind was too fast for time to even keep up with.
The second one, well, I obviously acknowledged it in the moment, but I was powerless to assert any kind of logic to break it. My logic was “sound”. It was unquestionably real. Although later I realized, it wasn’t.
And then there’s the obsessions and the compulsions. This has been going on longer than I have acknowledged. I’ve always hoarded office supplies. At some point, I started hoarding clothes. I started collecting them one size bigger, one size smaller, and in styles I was unlikely to wear.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped wanting to touch public anything. It didn’t matter. I am terrified of getting sick. I didn’t want to get to close to people, because I was sure they were going to give me their germs. I got this idea that exercise helped me purge toxins from my body and that scalding hot water was the only way to “purify” myself.
It doesn’t stop there.
No, at one point I stopped hoarding and insisted that everything be thrown away or donated. I insisted that the house was dirty and disorganized. That was part of the big cleaning binge.
It goes on, I’ll spare you every detail. The last, and most important of all of these behaviors are the rituals. I didn’t realize I had them until they started interfering with my life.
Things have to be a “certain way” or else it doesn’t “feel right”. Or something bad will happen. For instance, I have to wear certain pieces of jewelry, or I could risk something bad happening while I’m out of the house. I have to walk a certain way to certain places or else it feels wrong, and I’m compelled to do it over. Certain events have to happen. Change is very, very bad. I have to have certain items on my person at all times.
And then, the panic when something isn’t “right”. It’s unreal. Something rises up in me, and it crawls and tries to burst through my skin. The world spins, and I’m sure I’m going to vomit. I can’t breathe. And then I panic because I think I’m going to die from lack of oxygen.
I’ve never been this bad. Remember the cryptic text about psychosis I dropped to C.S.? Well, I recently found out it wasn’t just for me. It was for him too.
He made the admission to me on Sunday night. Not only is he paranoid and delusional. He has hallucinations. He talks to people in his head.
All if this time and agony for both of us. He made that appointment he promised. And we’ll get a diagnosis(es). We’re thinking somewhere in the schizo spectrum.
Any comments, questions, thoughts, anything would be appreciated right now. This is the hardest time in my life.