A Proper Name

I have never fancied myself a writer.  This is much the same as I have never imagined myself a musician, a vocalist, and many other things that I have come to find as truth in my life.  In all honesty, I’ve considered myself to be a dabbler, more of a Jack-of-all-Tradesmaster of none.  Yes, there is an emphasis.  This is not because I’m getting down on myself.

No, the focus of the emphasis is not on what I can’t do, but more of what I haven’t done.  I have dabbled in so many disciplines, some would think it akin to something attention deficit.  I have dedicated my focus, energy, and time (and sometimes some money) to the following:

  • Musical instruments
  • Music composition
  • Vocals
  • Music Education
  • Creative writing
  • Poetry
  • Prose
  • Essays
  • Informational writing and advocacy
  • Crocheting
  • Crafting
  • Eco-friendly and Green Crafting
  • Mental Health Advocacy
  • Community programs
  • Sewing
  • Musical theater directing and production
  • Autism Advocacy
  • Psychology
  • Human Development
  • Human Behavior
  • Computers
  • Networking
  • Computer Programming
  • Computer Forensics
  • RPG’s / Gaming
  • Technology
  • Graphic Art
  • Photography
  • Running
  • Collecting
  • Blogging

Perhaps it’s some serendipitous byproduct of Bipolar Disorder, or just who I am.  I would be lying if I denied having the habit of starting things and not finishing them.  There are a great deal of factors that go into that: lack of focus, growing disinterest, a block of some sort, lack of motivation, and lack of enthusiasm at times.  It has given me a wealth of experience in many areas.  However, the steep downside is that I have not remained consistent enough with any of the aforementioned activities to develop a solid level of mastery.

But to me, they are hobbies.  Why would I need mastery in a hobby?  It doesn’t bring me any fortune, it is not my job , was not a keystone of a career.  What is the point of having the hobby if I have completely mastered it?  There is no joy, because there is no dabbling.  There is no sense of discovery.  The hobby becomes laborious, like a job.  A hobby is certainly what I would consider to be the opposite of a job.  Although I am one of those lucky people who took a hobby, a talent, a skill, and was able to turn it into gainful employment.

Back to my point.  Today, I received an email from an eager non-profit organization that was looking for me to assist in promoting their organization’s activities for mental health advocacy.  I thought to myself, “I did it.  I finally did it.  I found my way into the door of being a mental health advocate and coming out of this wardrobe.”  I reviewed the email several times to make sure I had the details right.  And I realized how it was addressed.  Dear Mrs. Lulu Sunshine,

I’ve been writing under the pseudonym “LunaSunshine” for awhile now.  Most have come to know me as Lulu, just a cute nickname that seems to fit perfectly, as if it were meant to personify me in realm.  It was worked out fine until this moment.  I have realized that if I want to get serious in the world of mental health advocacy through my writing, then I had better get a decent pseudonym that allows me to be professional.

Therefore, after much consideration, I am changing my pseudonym to something proper enough to be seen on a website or book.

I have decided on Tallulah “Lulu” Stark.

Lulu Stark - the new avatar

I have origins for this.  The name Tallulah has Native American origins in Georgia.  As do I.  The translation means leaping water, perfect for describing my own nature as fluid, changing states and shapes.  Tallulah is also of Gaelic origin, as am I.  The translation in Gaelic is abundance, princess, lady. I am no princess, for sure.  But, I am a woman with an abundance of emotion, that carries a wealth of experience.

Stark has a few meanings.  It can mean grim, representing depressive states.  It can be beyond reasonable limits, extreme, and the perfect representation of the hypomania.  And of course, it’s a play on the cliched phrase, “stark raving mad”.

There will be a few changes.  My email will change to reflect the new pseudonym.  tallulahlulustark@gmail.com is the new address.  Until everyone is used to the new address, I will have the old one forward into the new one.

My facebook is changed as well.  I will move Pendulum’s page over there tomorrow.  For now, add me on Facebook.

I will wait awhile to change the avatar.  To allow for the transition.  Please, continue calling me Lulu.  Nothing has changed in that realm.  I wanted to put the word out there.

34 thoughts on “A Proper Name

  1. “Stark” is also the German word for “strong.” I think that definitely fits. Hmm. Professional pseudonyms. Mine is far from that, although I guess I have little reason to care about that now. The transitions sounds like a big step! Good luck with it!

    • I saw how I was being referred to, and I realized that wasn’t going to fly. If I am going to do this for real, I need a name that sounds real anyway.

      Thanks for the compliment. Stark just felt right. Honestly, when I was putting it all together, it just fell into place.

    • That’s my problem, too. I take on too much, probably an issue that comes from the BP hypomania, overambition and whatnot, and then, when I can’t get everything done, it falls apart. Now, there are other issues with that. Sometimes, things just don’t pan out. And that’s the way it goes. There are other moments where I determine that the project is taking too much focus. And, then, there are those times where I just don’t feel it anymore, you know?

      I’ll check out the tag later when my son is sleeping. School in-service day, but mom’s don’t get those. LOL.

      • oh don;t I know it! I so get what you are saying – I have been one hundred miles an hour into a project and wake up one day and just don;t feel it….. from what I have read – very much BP –

  2. I am also a “jack of all trades, master of jack-shit”, but like you said it’s not specifically a bad thing in hobbies 🙂

    Also Stark is Tony’s second name and Ironman was into Psychology, Human Development, Human Behavior, Computers, Networking, Computer Programming, Computer Forensics, RPG’s / Gaming, Technology, Graphic Art and probably a few other things you’re interested in!

    • You know, I have always found some parallels between Robert Downey Jr. and myself. Namely the whole drunken jackass thing. But, he too pulled himself together to resume his career. I did it to resume my life.

      I like the master of jack-shit part. I do have certain levels of mastery, but not one thing I’d say that I’m extraordinarily good at. I guess that’s why hobbies are hobbies. We’d never really know what we like and where our strengths lie until we try it out.

  3. You are a truly talented woman with great goals. I am glad you have been given the chance to apply them in a bigger way. I really admire you! Pardon me if it takes a little while to get used to the new pseudonym. I still have you on my blogroll and I’m very glad for you!

    • Keeping me on as Lulu is just fine with me. As you see, I’ve appended the Lulu in the pseudonymn so people don’t get confused. I did end up adding the new avatar. My other one was getting to be about a year old or so. And, I’m still not entirely comfortable with anyone having the ability to identify me, without a shadow of a doubt.

      Keep reminding me about blogrolls. I have to get the blog roll for Blog for Mental Health 2012 up.

  4. Great new pseudonym – maybe I’ll come up with a better one for myself someday!

    I know what you mean about dabbling in everything. I did decide to master a couple of hobbies, and they’re still not work because I don’t do them for pay and I only do them when I want to. It’s gratifying to be able to do them well.

    • Thanks! It was just time. It needed to happen. It’s not too far from what it was. I was being regarded as Lulu anyway, so here we go.

      If I had to pick one hobby that I’d say I had any level of mastery at, it would be music. I am able to fluently read music, sight read, and sight sing. I can play any woodwind instrument I pick up. That’s pretty accomplished, as I’m told. I didn’t realize that it wans’t a skill that a whole lot of people didn’t have.

      I do get paid for some of those musical talents. What I am attempting to master at this moment is music education, but putting together a solid curriculum for K-5. As long as I continue working in music education, that’s my primary focus. Child development and music theory!

  5. Wow! Good on you. I can relate in so many ways. My ‘Jill geniuses’ depart somewhat from your list, but we do have a number of similarities. So excited for you on realizing this next step.

    • Thank you. I still have to return the request via email, and get it started. You’ll start seeing promotions for it. I thought for a minute that I might become some kind of media whore. But, I realized that’s not the point. The point is promoting advocacy and education for mental health through the medium of art. Isn’t that what we all do here? Craft posts about our lives, living with our mental health differences and concerns?

    • It’s not entirely fresh. I’m not quitting on Pendulum, actually, far from. It’s going to be more involved now, and less of a kind of “personal blog”. I’m glad for that. And as for the new pseudonym and avatar change, it was time. The original avatar was over a year old, and I needed a proper name to go by. If only I could have stuck my real name in there. Ha!

      • I struggle with that as well. NO ONE knows that I have my blog. That is my reality. NO pictures or identifying characteristics whatsoever. Maybe someday that will change but for now I appreciate my anonymity. Just now as I sit here, I am realizing why…wondering if this isn’t some direct representation on how I view me. Hmmm…at any rate, I look forward to your changes here.

        • There are two people who know I have a blog: my mother, who wouldn’t even know where to start to look for it, and my husband, who knows exactly where and who, but doesn’t care to read it. Both are fine with it, as long as I am careful to keep it a secret.

          Now, I know I have bordered on putting up identifying features. Altered photos of me exist in various forms all over the site. But, I really believe that anyone who could positively identify me would likely keep this under their belt. Truthfully, I’m not sure I could positively identify me!

          Here’s where we differ. This is exactly me, minus a lot of swearing and ranting. My physical being that walks around and makes polite conversation, who I refer to as “Em”, is really only a fraction. I hold back a lot in my daily life. The only places I can be myself, be Lulu are here and in my home.

          • I feel I have the opposite problem. Sad to say. I am me ALL the time. Like it or leave it. I refuse to put on a happy face for anyone…but there are things that I can not say to my real life people. Don’t get me wrong, I feel connected to some, but disconnected on the level I desire. I find that sometimes here. I have yet to find people who whole heartedly understand me. I am a rather straight forward person and most can’t handle that about me. I find at home I am enthralled with being “Mom”. There is no time for anything else due to my circumstance. This is where I struggle. In the years past, I have seem to lost me in the shuffle. My blog is me trying to find that person again…still searching.

            • It’s kind of funny. I found myself, and am still finding pieces of myself, through becoming a mother. I am thrilled about it, and I think it’s one of those missing pieces that made my life complete.

              Not to say that’s for everyone. But, before all of this, I had that feeling, the one that screamed to me that there were things missing. I can’t say it’s all there yet. I don’t think I expect to complete the puzzle anytime soon. It’s a lifelong project, finding things that fit me. It’s like how I am with clothes. I’m an irregular size, with an apple shape. They don’t really make clothes for that. So, I do my best to hunt down the ones that work for me.

              In my workplace, I have to put on the happy face. I work with children. My personal problems are not the children’s problems. Most of the time, I hit that doorway, and everything else melts away. Being with children in such a positive environment helps me. Sometimes, I just can’t shake something. I am having trouble grasping at feasible excuses for my lack of . . . umm, gusto?

              I don’t hide it all. It’s more like, I tone it down or play it up. Most of the people I work with assume I’m a “character”. They’re right. I do kind of play a character there. Flamboyant, eclectic, eccentric, dramatic, involved, optimistic, idealistic, and intense. All of those are true to some extent – well, minus the optimistic part.

              There are few people who actually get me. My husband is the only person in the entire world who gets about 98% of me. He keeps up pretty well. The only thing he doesn’t seem to understand is that I don’t really lie to him. I don’t have ulterior motives. I don’t play games. And more than anything, I refuse to do it. He just assumes that everyone does it, because he’s mastered the art of manipulation himself. Sounds bad, but it’s really not. He doesn’t do any particularly evil things with it. Besides, I can see through his BS anyway.

              I can’t deny that this blog has been instrumental in helping me reclaim all I was, develop what I am, and grow into who I will be. But, it’s not just the writing. It’s the people too.

            • It is always about the people to me. In every aspect of my life. To me, life doesn’t exist without the people who mean everything to you. It is unfortunate that most other people I encounter do not feel the same. It brings me hope to know that by blogging, you have come to some realizations. I too, have been arriving at some myself. Live and learn, my friend. I always appreciate your words. xoxo.

            • I always appreciate yours as well.

              My life revolves around my family. My husband and I have this unique relationship. Both of us have a large circle of acquaintances, mainly comprised of the same people. There are only a precious few that are actually friends, and almost no one we call best friend. We are each other’s best friend.

              Yes, I have read the dozens of articles for and against that. One says that is ideal and the other says that it destroys the romantic aspect. But, do you know what? He was my friend before he was anything else to me. He’s been there longer than anyone else. He’s witnessed the good, bad, and ugly, even before we were together. And he still is eager to be by my side. That’s a hell of a lot more than anyone else has shown me.

              I find trust difficult. I had a guy friend hold a torch for me over three years. And one wild night, we ended up sleeping together. After all of it was said and done, I had figured it out. Three years trying to set himself up into a position because he wanted me to be the one to take his V-card. And once he got what he had been dying for, I was discarded. I was never a trusted, valued friend. I was an idea, a teenage fantasy.

              It still boggles my mind. How can someone chase someone else for three years just for a cheap thrill? I’ve never really resolved that one. I don’t want to talk about it with my husband – we were all friends at one point in time. In fact, the man-child in question was one of the people who pitted my husband and I against each other frequently.

              And that’s screwed up too. I had a whole group of friends, like 10 or more, who could all plainly see that my husband and I had chemistry. No one ever mentioned, and about five of them went above and beyond to try to make us hate each other.

              And that’s why I don’t trust people close enough to get involved with them.

  6. I too am a jack-of-all-trades, master of none. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars over the past decade on a crafting hobby I rarely do anymore. I even buy houses with a spare room to hold my crafting stuff and then never do it. Sad, isn’t it? I am proud of you for taking this step forward. You’ve inspired me to change my own pen name.

    BTW, I love the new avatar!

    • I hear you there. I have a whole area of my room dedicated to crafting. I do it, but in fits and spurts. I have a post about that, during my recent ultradian cycling, I made some really interesting stuff. I do hope that a few people might come on board with their own blogs. It’s not really a hostile takeover as it is a little shift in the focus. Less me, more bipolar education and advocacy, you know?

      I think you should keep the Monday part. I love it. Monday is you. Now what to put with it? Bah, it’s your pen name.

      Thanks! You know, I was extremely tired last night when I took it. Thursday for me is like everyone else’s Monday. Ironic, you know? Thursday Addams, and my Thursdays. Anyway, I just took it. It didn’t matter what I looked like, and somehow it worked! I guess I should spend less time stressing about how I look in photos anyway.

  7. HI Lulu,
    Hmmm…never fancied yourself as a writer.. I wish I could write as interestingly as you do, with the passion and intensity that you mange to put into your writing, even about everyday things.
    As I said to someone else very recently, dont do yourself down, You are better than you think.

    I hope your grandmother is not suffering and struggling too much, my best wishes for her, and for you too. I hope you managed to get to talk to her and tell her your thoughts.

    I quite like your new name Lulu, .(.don’t forget though that Iron man was Tony Stark )
    Welcome Tallulah Stark 🙂
    Good luck with your new enterprise, and congratulations !
    love n hugs

    • I really like the pseudonym, but I’ll always just be Lulu. *smile*

      Sometimes, I feel my writing goes more like this:

      Dear Diary,

      My life is great, but I take it for granted and moan and groan about how much it sucks for an entire blogosphere to see. Man, do I just hate myself. And even hating myself is ridiculous, because it’s like spitting in the face of everyone who ever gave me a compliment.

      A rock and a hard place – the usual cliches.



      But, the packaging is just a little shinier, you know?

      Thank you for the lovely compliment, even if I do receive them less than graciously! And the same goes for you. Don’t get down on yourself. We are our own worst critics, right?

      • Why thank you Ma’Am,
        Thank you for your lovely comment too.. you’re right, we are are own worst critics.

        Have a good week Lulu,
        love n hugs
        PS. That’s a really great dear Diary.. made me laugh, thanks! 🙂

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