I Am Not God : 30 Days of Truth


Day 05: Something you hope you never have to do.

Decisiveness is not my strong point. I realize that certain choices can have long lasting effects. One choice can start a major chain reaction, cascading through many aspects of life, for better or worse. I have difficulty evaluating which decision will yield the best results, or do the least amount of damage. In fact, I’m sometimes so indecisive that mundane, daily selections become a challenge. What to eat? What to wear?

I hope that I will never have to be faced with a life or death decision.

I am not God. Nor can I ever pretend to be any spiritual deity that would be remotely qualified to render that judgment. I do not even have the capacity to make that choice for myself.

As a woman on a slew of medication and also of child-bearing age, this is a hot topic that remains fixed in the peripherals. I’m sure it’s something many women using pharmaceutical treatment for mental health think about. These are black box medications. What would I do if I got knocked up?

I’d love to have a definitive answer. In all fairness, this is a lot more complicated than your average abortion debate.

Yes, I’d keep the baby.
Taking a life is wrong. It’s not up to me to decide. If I took every precaution, and I still managed to conceive, then it was really meant to happen. I couldn’t imagine the heartbreak of losing a child, and the resentment toward myself for doing it purposefully. It would be an impossible decision to live with. Every life deserves a chance. Every child is a blessing.

No, I would abort the baby.
Sometimes, a woman has to do what is best for herself, the child in question, and her family. It would not be right to bring a child into this world that may likely have extraordinary special needs. It would be wrong for the potential child, cursing them to a life of physical and / or mental disability. It would be criminal to drain precious few resources from the rest of the family, such as time, money, and energy. And it may be extremely dangerous, if not fatal to both fetus and mother if I were to quit medication cold turkey.

This could turn to a very heated dialog. I have to cut it off at some point. We’ll cross that bridge if we get there.

That’s the only definitive life-and-death decision I can produce. There are thousands of scenarios.

I’m holding my husband by one arm and my son by the other from a ledge where they both slipped. I only have enough strength with both of my arms to save one. Who do I choose?

Life and death. It’s too big of a moral dilemma for me to ever want to handle. There are some moments where I could make a hard and fast decision. Giving my life to protect my loved ones? Yes. Taking a life to protect my loved ones? Only if absolutely necessary. Taking a life for vengeance? No.

Otherwise, leave me out of it.

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5 thoughts on “I Am Not God : 30 Days of Truth

  1. I and another bipolar girlfriend have had this conversation with ourselves, our partners and each other. It’s a really, really tough one. I think I’ll have to write a post on this topic, since we both came to the same conclusion – it’s just not a good idea for us, and in both cases, permanent measures were taken to make sure complications won’t arise.

    • I’m on continuous cycle birth control. If I miss a pill, I know it. I’ll start to spot, and I’ll know to double up. It’s unusual for me to miss one, and the doctors have told me that as long as I don’t go ten days without any b/c, then I won’t ovulate. I figure I probably won’t. The last time I did continuous cycle for more than a year (it’s been two now), I didn’t have another period for six months once I got off of it.

      I’ve never accidently gotten pregnant before. It boggles my mind the way some women just “accidently” get pregnant. And you know what? If you get the truth out of them, you’ll find out that the did something stupid, like missed a ton of birth control pills, didn’t use a condom that one time, etc. I purposefully got pregnant with my son, and that took three months!

  2. Boggles my mind too how people get “accidentally” pregnant. It’s not really an accident if you fail to use birth control.

    Regardless, this is a huge question that plays on my mind. Not just what would I do if I became pregnant unintentionally, but whether I can even (morally and practically) have children at all. I love kids. I would love to have kids. I just don’t know if it’s safe, or possible, or manageable.

    I came off my contraceptive pill recently, and just my normal hormones led to complete disaster (i’m back on it now). How would I manage to be off it, and then have all the hormonal changes with pregnancy, if I can’t even handle the regular stuff? It is sad to think about.

    • You know, interestingly enough, I was fine during my pregnancy. It flared anxiety, but my mood swings were not as bad as other women. Something about pregnancy agrees with my mental state. (Just not my physical state!)

      I’m glad I had my son before I was diagnosed. At least I have an idea of what an unmedicated pregnancy is like. The problem was in the first six weeks. I didn’t know I was pregnant, and it was like PMS from hell. Physically and mentally. But, after my body stopped liking the idea (about 6 weeks is where I got morning sickness), my mind was mostly fine!

      I am worried about the idea of getting off my meds to have another kid. And, the second my son was out is where I crashed. My mood crashed harder than ever. So, I know that postpartum depression / psychosis is probable. No breast feeding, because they’ll be shoving all of the meds back in there. (Except the sleeping pill, I’m sure). Can I handle detoxing? What about being unmedicated entirely? At least the last time, it only took me three months to get knocked up! Lol!

  3. Pingback: 30 Days of Truth | Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

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