It’s All About Me : 30 Days of Truth

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.

As a chronic self-loather, I can find at least a hundred different things to hate about myself in the next minute.  Okay, go!

I’m short.
I’m overweight.
I’m awkward.
I’m a self-loather.
I’m sometimes passive-aggressive.
I’m a dirty liar to myself.
I’m sitting here making this list to prove myself.
I’m not sure I can come up with enough ways to loathe myself.

Seriously?  That was it?!  Add another to the list.  I can’t think on my feet.

Notice something above?  All of the items started with I’m IMe.  That’s the biggest problem of them all.

It’s all about ME.

It really is.

See?  I even included a real life picture of myself, (skillfully edited for privacy), to prove my point.  That’s the first thing I did when coming up with a graphic for this post.  I whipped out my camera and took about 10 photos until one came out the way I wanted.

Perhaps, I’m being overly sensitive to the notion that I am self-involved.  It is the furthest thing from what I want to be.  However, I cannot seem to think of a subject without being, well, subjective.  All of my knowledge.  All of my emotionsMy opinions being based on a combination of those in my experience.

Those are all of the ideas and thoughts that are translated from consciousness to some form of communication.  It is a very egocentric way of being, and it is absolutely distasteful.  There is a certain disdain toward the concept, and a loathing for embodying the trait.  No person wants to consider themselves as being self-absorbed.  Most of us aim to be altruistic.  However, there is an uncertainty that concept exists in the purest form.  Is it possible for a human being to be completely altruistic?

See what I did in that last paragraph?  I removed any self-centric words.  I used to make a practice of it.  In college, unless it was specifically an opinion piece, we were encouraged to removed any subjective words.  It made my writing sound ten times better, and removed bias while displacing blame.

I originally made a practice of it here, unless I was giving a first person narrative.  That’s what Pendulum started with: a narrative.

But, I’ve been writing so much on the subject of me, my experience with bipolar disorder, and my life over the last six months that I’m not sure where to draw the line anymore.

Back to the subject egocentricity versus altruism.  Perfect altruism is a work in progress.  The process of attaining perfect altruism is more important than the infeasible objective of embodying it.  That is my own self-discipline.  Others first, unless I am really running on empty.  Because, I cannot expect others to return my kindness and help me see to my own needs.  Tending to myself is what I think of self-sufficiency, rather than complete selfishness.

That’s where the lines go down in the sand.  They shift with the tides.  I have to carefully determine what is a need and what is a want.  The things I need may eventually become wants, and vice versa.  I may need leisure time at one point, because I am overburdened.  At another, it may be a recreational want, because I am interested in those things more than I am in activities that revolve around my responsibilities.

More than that is the question of self-esteem, assertion, overbearing, narcissist. Where does the line go down?  Back to self-loathing, I know I have plenty of that.  Only recently have I come into some self-esteem through firm demonstration of my positive characteristics and talents.  When and where does one love themselves too much?

Self-esteem gone wrong.

I have always had strong feelings about this subject.  A person crosses the line between confidence into arrogance when they become delusional about their own shortcomings.

So, why, again, do I feel as if it’s all about me?

My thoughts have been unusually introverted and my expression reflects that.  I talk about me.  I write about me.  I think about me.

There is a careful balance between egocentricity and altruism.  I am in the midst of that juggling act as my personality takes on certain shifts.  Throughout my treatment for bipolar disorder, I have noticed the plates shifting, changing the landscape of my own self.  Sometimes, it is difficult for me to differentiate between what is illness and what is personality.  For both the good, and the bad.

8 thoughts on “It’s All About Me : 30 Days of Truth

    • I had decided a long time ago that if I was ever going to write an autobiography, it was going to involved the pendulum. This is by no means an autobiography, but it’s probably as close as I’ll ever get.

  1. This post was like the old argument I had with the Donor, who liked to harp on “I,Me,I me” people, to the point where I was afraid to even voice my opinion lest use of the word “I” lead to another disagreement on me being self centered. Then if I dared to give vague generalizations or dared to say, “Someone like you might see it this way..” well then I was speaking for him or others or shying away from giving my own opinion.
    Eh,it’s a conundrum, but honestly, what can any of us speak about with total authority other than ourselves and our experiences? I and me are sorta necessary to relay your own bent on things. You can’t very well blog about someone else’s life and feelings.
    To me self centered are the Me Monsters who think ONLY of themselves, like this client R had call the shop the other day. He failed to show up for an outcall repair and told the guy his kid had been in an accident and he hadn’t really been concerned with fixing anyone’s TV at that time…and the guy had the nerve to say, “Well, you could’ve called me first, waiting for you cost me time off work.” Perhaps true, but if your first instinct is self absorption and not one of concern…that’s where narcissism takes over.

    • That is egocentrism to the extreme. I have never been that nasty in my life. Especially when it concerned someone’s child. You know I’m a parent, and I’m a teacher. I care enough about people and children to care for other people’s kids! Is this really the way people act? I’m appalled at the human race.

      And it’s because of a-holes like The Donor with their mirroring and projections that stir such a terrible insecurity. I am hypersensitive to certain criticisms. I am a mother, therefore I’m extraordinarily tender about my parenting. I am a part of the human race, so I’d like to embody the best qualities. You don’t see altriusm much in nature.

      Anything outside my range of scholastic knowledge is absolutely subjective. In all likelihood, unless it’s a memorized fact or figure, it’s probably slightly slanted as well. I’m just a person that internalizes everything. I always thought that was kind of good, kind of like digesting life.

      That was, until I seemingly had no knowledge or wisdom that wasn’t centric on my own human experience. Perhaps it’s not a terrible thing. But, it sure doesn’t sound nice when it comes out.

      I guess I am an expert on me, so that would mean I’m an expert on my life, right?

  2. Pingback: 30 Days of Truth « As the Pendulum Swings

  3. Hey, I talk about myself in my blog all the time! I think I have a tendency to be self-centered as well. I feel like all of the comments I leave on blogs are about me when they should be about the entry. Many times, I refrain from leaving a comment because, after I’ve written it out, I see it’s all about me and probably isn’t helpful to the blogger. As I’ve just done here.

    But I do think everyone is ultimately self-centered. Some people just hide it better. Besides, we learn about things, give meaning to them, by associating them with ourselves somehow. Forging a personal connection is the most effective way to grasp something new.

    • Yeah, I feel very much the same way. But, is this trait of egocentricity a gradient? Can a person be more or less so, or is it just as it is? I don’t usually think in terms of black and white, so a concept of is or isn’t is difficult for me.

      Personally, i have a preference for personal accounts. For me, it’s kind of like saying, “Hey, I feel this way too. You’re not alone.” It’s a bonding experience. Humans are inclined to seek out others like themselves.

      But, I realize that it could be seen as quite the opposite in a certain light. That’s where my insecurity shows through.

      I’d like to think that the act of striving for altruism is something defines humanity against the rest of the natural world.

  4. Pingback: 30 Days of Truth | Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

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