Books Speak Louder than Words

Yesterday was not a complete loss.

After the episode detailed in I’m Not Okay, C.S. suggested we go to Half Priced Books. We dressed and headed out in an unusual October snowstorm. The ride was enjoyable, although I was too anxious to sit still. It’s always a wet day outside when we go to the bookstore. That’s the last weather a person would want when transporting books.

Between the three of us, we must have purchased 25 books, two flash card packs, and three journals. I’ve been keeping handwritten journals in flimsy composition books. It’s nice to finally have a sturdy home for my ramblings, so they may live on for years to come.  And we put quite a dent in our bank account.

As I was sitting with C.S. this afternoon, peeling off price tags after our retail therapy, it hit me. We were in a fortress of books, and I looked him.

C.S. have a thing between us we call, “The Golden Thread”. It’s a subatomic line, coiled around each of our hearts, that runs upward through our brains, and connects to the other. It is the line that allows the one to know, at least on a subconscious level, what is happening within the other. It’s not a perfect connection, just as any other. It is susceptible to interference, outages, etc. But, it is the one thing that has always bonded us.

The only thing The Golden Thread can’t provide me with is any intelligible positive emotions toward me.

He never said the words, but I heard them ringing out, clear as a bell, “I’m sorry. For everything. I want you to be okay. I love you.”

Today, a very dear friend and I had a conversation about the LEEP procedure. She’s was more affected by the precancer than I am. She had the procedure done many years ago, when it was new, without complications.

And on this date, she is healthy and cancer free. She helped ease my fears. I’m extraordinarily thankful for her and all of her support. Without her words, I don’t know what shape I’d be in.

Thank you all for your encouraging words and support. This is one of the hardest times I’ve ever faced in my life. I’m grateful for everyone – for Ruby, Monday, James, ManicMuses, Always (yes, I saw your post on Canvas), and anyone and everyone else I may have not named. You’ve all given me a special kind of support that no one else in my life could. Again, thank you.

4 thoughts on “Books Speak Louder than Words

    • The Golden Thread hasn’t seen a good tug since the accident. I actually had to go through my journal that the time of the accident, looking for evidence we might have overlooked. The hearing is on the 7th.

      Anyway, C.S.’s phone cut out at the point of impact. I didn’t think much when his phone cut out because that occurs frequently in that area due to the topography. Except, I actually started physically hurting. The left side of my body ached, and I didn’t know why. I actually felt what he felt. It was the strangest thing.

      I kept reading. I discovered something about The Golden Thread and C.S.’s unusually volatile and reactive behavior. He described something a few days after the accident to me, like his brain switched frequencies. Suddenly, he had an this empathetic power to feel what others were thinking and translate their thoughts. I tested it, and he was right. He couldn’t have known any other way. Except, here’s the problem. I was getting nothing from him. It’s like I was cut off.

      Except now. This is the first time since June that I’ve been able to get some kind of message through it.

      I got more later. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I wanted to be there. I’m trying to make sure I can do what’s best for the family.” And, “I’m more scared of this than you are. It’s not my body, so I have no way to know if something’s going wrong. I feel helpless.”

      Something about recent events seemed to finely tune the thread.

    • If you read back to Happily Never After, and even earlier posts than that, you can see my marriage has be a little, well, rocky. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve been able to connect with him on another level. That means the world to me. We’ve always been able to do it, before T.D. was born. Even when we were just friends. When T.D. was born, it triggered post-partum psychosis for a few months, and then some severe bipolar symptoms. I think the chemical malfunction nearly severed the line.

      I started getting better, and I finally reached a stable point last November. But, the accident in June gave C.S. a concussion. He’s not the same, in both good ways and bad ways. He’s more emotionally reactive. Good and bad. At least I was getting something, because it was radio silence in our connection. And finally, this day, it broke through.

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