Big Money, No Whammy, STOP!

What does it feel like to have 20 Grand hanging in the balance?

I ran I Bet Jekll Felt This Way past C.S. a couple of nights ago, in so many words. I rarely read directly from the page. I’ve gotten in hot water by doing that before. Sometimes, there are just some words that shouldn’t pass from my lips.

He stood across the kitchen poking through the elephant box while I sat at the table. He suggested, “Maybe it’s one of the supplements. Are you taking any new ones?”

I answered, “No, not really. I started Adrenomend again, and I’ve already been taking the Brain Energy for a few weeks now.”

“I’m going back down to bare bones. Something is causing me a problem again,” he mentioned, as he swallowed a handful of supplements.

I considered his suggestion. But, I knew that my brain can’t survive a chemical shift without shifting itself. I wasn’t about to add fuel to the fire and risk facing something scarier than this. I’m taking about a dozen supplements for various reasons. I wouldn’t be able to break something else before figuring out how to fix this.

Doctors recommend ceasing all medications / supplements when it’s impossible to discern which one is causing the problem. What about just starting the shed the most recent ones, regardless of whether they have worked in the past? There are only two potential risks. Either I take something away that causes a bad day, or I don’t take away the right one and I continue in the state of dyphoric hypomanic paranoia.

I took away the two most recent additions, Adrenomend and Brain Energy. C.S. suggested taking away Adrenomend, because he had a bad reaction in the past.

Of course, he suggested that the panic attacks were rebound anxiety from “too many benzos”. “That’s their gimmick, give you medicine that causes anxiety.” I’ve been on these for two months now. You’d think I would’ve had a reaction by now. Well, I am the woman who had a life-threatening reaction to an epidural 20-25 minutes after receiving it. *Shrug*.

So far, so good. Yesterday, I managed to handle surprise fire drill with no problem. I’m not anxiety free, but I’m panic free without my midday Xanax. I’m a little more fatigued than usual, so that indicates something was pushing me toward hypomania. The anxiety might be residual. Anxiety is like a virus in the respect that it generalizes and mutates as it takes hold.

My only hope is that those supplements were the only thing holding back the flood gates of depression. Because l know I haven’t paid the piper yet for my last hypomanic episode.

In other news, I thought I’d mentioned C.S.’s promotion we’ve been waiting on. We finally got word, and it wasn’t the one we were hoping for. The big wig at the top didn’t go for it. He’s upset about the staffing budget and put out a hiring freeze. But, C.S.’s department manager isn’t giving up on it.

We didn’t have any numbers before this. Today, I was texted a number than blew my mind. I wrote back, “Not even in my wildest dreams did I even consider that number!”. It’s $20,000 more than he’s making now. Yeah, my mouth dropped to the floor.

But now, it’s in limbo.

I bet it feels like winning a lottery, but then nobody has the money to pay up.

5 thoughts on “Big Money, No Whammy, STOP!

  1. The thing about any medication/supplement/substance you put in your body can change your body chemistry. Even time can simply change your body chemistry. I was in my late 30’s when I suddenly became deathly allergic to aspirin and NSAIDS (ibuprofen, etc.) I just noticed one day when I took an Advil for a headache that I burst into hives and started having a little trouble breathing. I popped a benedryl, I got better, and didn’t worry about it. Within six months, my NSAID allergy went from hives to ER level stopped breathing. (Simultaneously, I developed an allergy to Red Dye #40 – that took a while to track down!)

    My point is that it could be something you’ve taken for a while, even a lifetime, that can cause the issue. It could be either the Adrenomend (I don’t know enough about it) or the brain energy or both. If either contains any antidepressant properties then they might not “kick in” until a few days or weeks later, just like many antidepressants. I’m not an MD or a mental health professional of any kind, so this hypothesis could be wrong. I think you should talk to your doctor and see what he/she thinks. Good luck! 🙂

    • An NSAID allergy?! Wow! If that were to happen to me, I’d be toast. I take them entirely too frequently. And it’s incredible it was so late to set in!

      Adrenomend is exactly as it says – has enzymes to help fix an overactive adrenal gland. Brain Energy has enzymes to stimulate brain function. One of them was causing hypomania. I had an episode right before I started taking either of them. So, it was impossible for me to know if it was just me or chemically induced.

      I started to get the feeling that something was wrong when the hypomanic episode didn’t subside in less than a week. Like I said, the virus knocked it down, but not out. I started to feel like there was really something wrong when I started to have wild panic attacks. And something was very, very wrong when I became paranoid.

      I told C.S, “Only in my worst, unmedicated episodes did I ever feel this bad. And it’s never been without depression.”. Having panic and paranoia with a hypomanic episode didn’t compute. It never happened before.

      I’m kind of glad I went through it. I got to see a very darker side of hypomania first hand. I’m used to having very sinister depressive episodes. But, I feel like I’ve gotten to know how I experience Bipolar Disorder a lot better.

      We’re onto Day 2 without those supplements. I’m doing very well. No panic and definitely no hypomanic. Just a little anxiety.

      Cross your fingers that I don’t see a depressive swoop anytime soon.

  2. I think the only way you could be experiencing rebound anxiety is if you’re stopping a benzo you’ve been taking consistently. Are you? Did I miss that part? Because there is no hell like benzo withdrawal hell. And there is nothing for it but sucking it in and sucking it up and pushing on through.

    I don’t agree with the idea of going “bare bones” and ceasing all of your extras. But trying without the most recently added ones, one at a time, that might not be a bad choice. I don’t know, I told you I saw a holistic practitioner, but by and large my knowledge lies with prescription pharmaceuticals.

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you emerge from limbo to a good place.

    • No, actually I had to increase my benzos, so no tapering. I was getting concerned about my benzo intake. I maxxed out my Xanax, and I never do that. Xanax is usually enough for me to stay under dose.

      I isolated it to two of them, and stopped. I never did figure out which of the two. C.S asked last night, and I told him that as long as I’m doing OK, they don’t matter. I’ll figure it out another time.

  3. Pingback: Emerging Patterns in Cyclic Analysis « As the Pendulum Swings

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