I Bet Jekyll Felt This Way

I’ve mentioned this in recent posts. But now, it’s gotten to a point where I’m not even sure what is going on anymore.

In case any readers aren’t up to date, I’ll summarize with some links. This all began with my last cutting episode. We determined that the mixed emotions I was going through was dysphoric hypomania. It lasted 16 days and I though it was over when I got sick. I thought I went from hypomanic to panic. But, I’m not sure that’s the case.

Yesterday, I was hit with panic earlier in the day. My mind started drifting and I got this urge to call off of work. I had this strong feeling like something was very wrong. However, since I’ve been in the throws of panic lately, I figured it was anxiety. That was that.

I started feeling very bad at work. I’ve been feeling ill – unsettled stomach, puffiness, etc. At work, it was magnified. I became nauseated with a throbbing head and a terrible stomach.

I wasn’t right in my head to handle kids today. I let them pretty much do what they pleased, within certain boundaries. I snapped out at my 3rd grade class because their behavior was atrocious. More than anything it was agitating because of the extreme annoyance. Children don’t typically annoy me. This was a clear sign that there was something very wrong.

Later, one of my co-workers pointed out a mistake I had made. I took it very personally. I became inexplicably angry that he would dare correct me although I knew I had made the mistake. I wanted to jump down his throat and tear him a new one.

But, I feared that he would put me up on the chopping block. I became paranoid, thinking he was the unidentified source who reported concerns to my boss about my performance. He had it out for me. He secretly didn’t like me and wanted me eliminated.

At that point, I had the mother of all panic attacks. I sat still, far in a corner of the room. I was trying to plan an escape route without anyone becoming suspicious. I had to get out. I couldn’t get it out of my head. But, if I left early, then someone would be upset. I’d be giving them even more reason to send me away.

I couldn’t wait to get home. Home, the only safe place left. And yet, just three months ago, I would’ve said that about work.

Here’s the question. Am I hostile at work because I’m feeling threatened because I’ve been having panic attacks at work that are making me delusional? Or, am I actually still in a now dysphoric mania with serious paranoia and delusions?

9 thoughts on “I Bet Jekyll Felt This Way

  1. It could be a mixture of both. The paranoia from the dysphoric mania might be feeding paranoid thoughts at work, which makes it feel less safe. I wish I could give you some advice on what to do. I’m dealing with my own set of bizarre mental phenomena right now that’s messing up my safe places. I feel for you though, I hope you get better soon.

    • I hope you feel better soon. Mine is small potatoes. I’ll find a way through it. It’s the strangest thing. When I’m faced with the fight or flight situation, I’m a fighter. This is so strange for me. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I would’ve made a nasty comment to him. But, the fact that I was hit with paranoia that drove me to one of those suicidal passing thoughts and panic, is disorienting. You know, it’s like, what the hell is this now?

      I think I have it figured out. But, I’m still testing it. I’ll let you know when I know.

  2. I hope you’re feeling better today!

    I think I asked you this before…do you feel like you’re on enough mood stabilizer? A woman I was at the hospital with described / was behaving in pretty much the same way as you’re describing until they ratcheted up her Abilify. Then she was just fine. Thoughts?

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  5. I wouldn’t call you delusional, a certain amount of suspicion and fear is not unexpected or unusual when experiencing severe mood cycling. Just keep an eye on yourself and don’t hesitate to call in the pros if you feel you need to. And I’m here. . . again. . . I’m pretty sure. . .

    • Oh no, it was full on paranoia. Now that I’m stabilized (mostly, I guess), I see that. Mr. B has no ill-will for me. My boss isn’t looking for reasons to fire me. If anything, they’re attempting to make me more valuable.

      My boss calls on me for a lot of things and relies on me to exercise my better judgement without her. I’ve been called to tutor a Kindergartener with ASD. I’ve been called as a part-part time drama teacher. I’m always called to cover classes. Hence, I only have one class (out of two slots) a day, five days a week. That leaves me open more than half of my time there.

      My failing was not being able to step up. The panic and paranoia clouded my better judgement and held me back. And that was it.

      Thank god. Lol.

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