I mentioned in other posts, namely The Hypomanic Toll Booth that I was going through a serious episode. To make a note, it was the most intense and longest hypomanic episode since I started treatment. I made it something like 16 or 17 days. This is coming from someone who has maxed out at 14. I can thank some virus for knocking me down around Tuesday or Wednesday.
Now, I am still running on high. I do have symptoms like rambling speech and hyper-speed thoughts. No sleep problems and no desire to be social. In fact, I have the complete opposite.
For the last week, I have been suffering from full on panic attacks. I’d be in the middle of something and come to a screeching halt, like the deer in the headlights. At first, it was very irregular. I was stricken at 5:30PM during a Kindergarten class. Another day, it was in the shower, first thing in the morning. Then, it settled into what I thought was about 12:30PM-1:30PM.
Today, I first got hit at T.D.’s pediatrician appointment at 9AM – but, there was a specific reason for that. (More to come on that). Ok, I rode that out, until I was out of the office. I got hit again at 11AM. I figured out why later – I woke up an hour and a half before I usually get up.
Instead of instantly medicating, I attempted the navigate the choppy waves with mantras and breathing. No dice. With panic, those techniques are only effective in the moment. They won’t prevent another attack. Panic comes when panic wants, ready or not.
I finally broke down at 1PM because the panic was quickly seizing my ability to function. I took a half a milligram of Xanax like I usually do. I suppose I waited too long. A half a milligram didn’t do it. I had to take the other half at 1:30PM. Even a milligram wasn’t enough to keep the anxiety completely at bay. But, at least the panic attacks stopped.
I was thinking about it the other day. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced anxiety outside of a depressive episode. Nor have I ever, ever, ever experienced panic without provocation, such as being faced with a phobia.
So, here comes the questions. Note, I did not have a depressive crash after the last hypomanic episode. I’m not being plagued with constant underlying anxiety. I’m having seemingly random panic attacks.
Is running on high causing the panic? Or, is the panic actually a result anxiety that makes me appear on the edge of hypomania? Or am I still hypomanic except on the lower side and I’m experiencing panic as a result? Or is the panic a separate entity all its own?
So many questions. So few answers.