This Jewdistian Doesn’t Believe in Creationism


As you’ve hopefully read in I’m Going to Die in the Walmart Parking Lot, this is the second installment of the 99 quirks of Lulu.

Yes, again, I’ll say that these are not all BP related. And I’m glad to know that some are kind of funny.

49.) Pickles. There can never be enough pickles!

50.) I eat something with peanut butter in it every day.

51.) I always take note when I notice the clock says 12:34.

52.) I obsessively listen to music until I know all of the words to the song.

53.) I obsessively watch television shows and movies in the same way.

54.) I believe in toilet snakes. I always check the toilet before I sit down.

55.) I have an unnatural love of cemeteries.

56.) I always write in cursive. But it’s a severely bastardized version of cursive that combines some print.

57.) With two exceptions, I have lived on the same street my entire life.

58.) With two exceptions, I’ve worked on the same street in my life.

59.) I cannot use touch screen phones. I think I emit some kind of electrostatic charge that messes with electronics.

60.) Street lights used to constantly go out as I walked under them. Weird.

61.) I have a shower ritual. I wash top down for maximum cleanliness. I’ll keep it short and sweet so we don’t venture into the land of TMI. Shampoo, exfoliate, rinse, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, body wash, shave, rinse, rinse.

62.) I tack 15 minutes onto the estimated duration of everything I do. It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bus stop, but I’ll allot 25 minutes.

63.) Confession alert! I fib to my Pdoc and tell him I’m taking a higher dose than I’m actually taking. Reason: I’m squirreling away medicine in case my insurance gets cancelled.

64.) I wear my socks inside out because I can’t stand the seam.

65.) I refuse to vacuum unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. I hate, hate, hate the sound.

66.) The more nervous I get, the more make-up I pile on.

67.) I compulsively scratch the plaque off of my teeth.

68.) I triple check myself before I leave the house for work. Do I have everything I could possibly need?

69.) I think it’s cute when old guys hit on me. Come on, they’re over 70 and usually married. What’s the harm?

70.) I am extremely sentimental. I keep the oddest things. I have a memory board packed with odds and ends. Coasters from great dates, ticket stubs from awesome movies, etc.

71.) Typically, I won’t answer phone calls that aren’t a 412 area code. But I’ll always answer phone calls that start with my local prefix.

72.) When I use a public restroom, I try to use the third stall in. Here’s my logic. Most people will use the first stall, if available, for convenience. People like me will know that and go for the second one or the last one. So, I use the middle one – less germy and nasty.

73.) I keep track of everything. I have a drawer for paid bills, pay stubs, insurance info, etc. I have another drawer for work to keep old lesson plans, attendance rosters, and my professional portfolio. I have calendars with notes and post it’s everywhere.

74.) I keep junk. You know, for arts and crafts. I think it’s green.

75.) Well, you all know about how I like to invent new words. I don’t consider it bastardizing the English language. I think of it as expanding it.

76.) I get very irritated with that text language people use. I can’t read it!

77.) I loathe gymnasiums. Every Tuesday, when I’m assigned to go to the gym, I literally cringe. I still have dodgeball flashbacks, I guess.

78.) I have a system of predicting outcomes. I think of the absolute worst case scenario (WCS) and the best case scenario (BCS). Then, I think of the 2nd WCS, and the 2nd BCS. Usually, it comes out 2WCS. I bank on it.

79.) Did I mention that I have unusually bad luck? Very unusually bad things happen to me. A drunk driver crashed into the front of my house. No, I don’t live on a curve or a corner and the clearances on either side of my house are about 3 feet.

80.) I believe that everyone get allotted one movie moment a year. By movie moment, I’m talking about that one moment where something good happens that defies all odds.

81.) I can sing by ear. I can pick both melodies and harmonies in songs.

82.) I’m completely paranoid that someone in my household is going to get into a life threatening accident when I’m not present.

83.) I teach my kid swear words. I mean, I’d rather my kid be in the back of the bus telling the other kids than the other way around.

Told you I shouldn’t be a role model.

84.) I am in love with suede.

85.) I still have my comfort object from when I was a child. She is a small purple rabbit and her name is Furry. She is still kind of a comfort object.

86.) I like carrying a heavy bag with me everywhere I go. I have to travel with everything but the kitchen sink to feel prepared.

87.) I still prefer cursive to print.

88.) My short-term memory is shot. Did I say that yet? Gotta love Lamictal!

89.) I wrap myself in a fleece throw when I’m feeling depressed. It’s as close as I can get to a hug.

90.) I think I lived a past life, mostly in the 60’s and 70’s. I gravitate toward culturally relevant things from that time.

91.) I am a Jewdistian.

92.) I kickbox appliances. I hope they don’t start fighting back.

93.) Horror movies don’t bother me. Disaster movies are terrifying. 2012 was the scariest movie I’ve ever seen.

94.) Ok, I’m totally getting locked up in the looney bin for this one. I believe that ancient aliens genetically modified the homonids on this planet to create homoeretus.

95.) I mouth the words to songs in public while listening to music. I’m not talking about in my car. I’m talking about doing it on the streets of Downtown Pittsburgh.

96.) When I’m feeling insecure, I sleep in a ball near the foot of my bed.

97.) I very seriously fear a zombie apocalypse.

98.) I will never eat the last of anything.

99.) And I don’t usually finish anything that I start. Is there ever really an end?

What about you? What makes you quirky and unique?

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One thought on “This Jewdistian Doesn’t Believe in Creationism

  1. Pingback: 99th Post Celebration! « Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

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