The Ink is Bleeding Through

I’m not sure what is real anymore.

Have a read. I’m hoping this is not a problem that is unique to me. And I’m really hoping that this isn’t permanent and there are personal insights.

I have been dreaming lately. I’m glad for it, because I notice that I have more stability when I’m having more REM sleep. I think the medicine change did the trick. But now, it’s causing a problem I’ve never had before.

I took a nap today. I had some awful dream I won’t go into. In the dream, C.S. and I were grocery shopping and he picked up a bag of ice. Later, while making a grocery list, I had to ask if we brought ice. He told me no.

My dreams are bleeding into reality!

I thought he bought the ice. I really did.

I had to think really hard as to whether or not an exchange happened between my boss and I. She addressed me and said, “Em (she calls me), is anything going on? You haven’t been yourself lately.” I was totally befuddled. I replied, “No, I’m fine.”. Then she started disciplining me for having a poor attitude toward my co-workers and my students.

No, that’s not logical. I’m always in a good mood, even if I’m a little less than social or enthusiastic. I’ve never been mean to a co-worker or student. And I have never, never, never exhibited an attitude problem. The kids make me a soft, warm person. There is no irritation or malice there.

It couldn’t have been real. It wasn’t logical at all.

I know how it is happening. My dreams have been unusually vivid and fluid lately, allowing me to include mundane events and details. My short-term memory is a little less than sharp because of the Lamictal, so my brain isn’t banking the memory correctly. It gets thrown in a catch all pile that sorts it into long-term chronology. It’s getting filed wrong.

I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified that my line between reality and fantasy is starting the blur. Fantasy is bleeding over. How long before I totally lose touch with reality?

8 thoughts on “The Ink is Bleeding Through

  1. I also get very vivid dreams when my dose of lamictal is changed. Now that I’m at a higher dose it doesn’t die down as much anymore, but it does go away. There have been multiple times that I have dreamt something happening and proceeded through the day believing that I did it, only to find out that it hasn’t been done at all.

    What’s worse are the nightmares and waking within a dream. I’ve had dreams where I awake into another dream several times. When I finally do wake up into reality, I often just lie in bed waiting to wake up again. It takes a while for me to really accept that I’m no longer sleeping.

    But again, don’t worry too much. I’ve adapted to it. And while on occasion, after a string of realistic nightmares, I often need something to just knock me out so that I’m not petrified of sleeping, it does get better and the brain does adjust accordingly. It just takes some time and getting used to.

    • Yeah, this was one where it was a dream within a dream. So I guess that’s how my brain confused it. I totally forgot about the one about my boss. I had a light bulb moment at work, but lost it because something interrupted it. I think that might be what happened there. Nestled in my subconscious, then transferred to my already screwy short-term memory in the wrong category. Haha!

      I’m glad I’m not alone. It was really terrifying when my husband gave me the, “Are you OK? look”. I guess I just have to wait it out and make sure it doesn’t get any worse.

  2. I know exactly how you feel. I’m actually experiencing the same type of behavior myself. I’m on seroquil and Lamictal. I think the combination, while effective, is giving me the same ‘issue’. But I enjoy the dreams. It’s been a long time since I could remember my dreams, so it’s pretty interesting. But yes, sometimes they make it hard to figure out if it really happened, or if I just dreamed it…

    • You’ve made me breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve been on Lamictal and it hasn’t had this effect before. I just had Xanax and Temazepam added, so I’m thinking it’s Lamictal + Tempazepam.

      I am so glad that I’m dreaming again. I feel so much better when I’m getting adequate REM. That is, even if the dreams aren’t always nice. I’m kind of prone to bad dreams. But I feel like my brain is working out a lot of negative emotion when I sleep. It makes for a lot better of a morning.

      I was getting pretty nutty when I had a nasty bout of insomnia over the summer.

      Does the bleed happen a lot? Does it get any better or does it get worse?

      • Yeah, I do tend to ‘bleed’ into reality alot. Last night for example, I dreamed about my friend, who is a recovering alcoholic, began drinking again. While I know this was a dream, I still contacted her to make sure she wasn’t drinking. Kind of like I believed it was a premonition of sorts. Other times, since my memory IS so shotty, I can’t tell if I’ve had a conversation with someone or if it was just a dream. Sometimes it leads to me repeating a conversation over and over again with people or I’ll assume it’s something we’ve already discussed.

        I just increases my Seroquil and it seems to have gotten ‘worse’. I’m assuming in time it will even out. Just riding the ride of medication changes. And I flew into psychosis when I was in an extreme manic state, where I wasn’t sleeping or eating or really doing anything correctly. So I hear ya.

        • I absolutely have premonitions. I had a dream that someone was getting fired. I wasn’t sure if it was my husband, but it was definitely a male. I told my husband to warn his friend Rs. And a week later, sure enough, he got canned.

          That’s just the most recent!

  3. Lulu, this happens to me all the time, especially lately. I never used to remember my dreams because of the sleep meds, and now I sleep in fits and spurts, usually very lightly, so the line blurs a lot. I wouldn’t get too worried yet, if it becomes more pervasive and you really can’t tell what you dreamed and what was real, then you might be concerned.

    Another solution could be to keep a dream journal, and write down what happened in your sleep as soon as you awaken. It may be a good way to separate out the conscious from the unconscious, and also a reference (if you get confused, see if you wrote it down). Just a thought.

    • Oh I totally keep a dream journal. I don’t usually have a lot of time in the morning, so some get away. But I’ve had five in the last couple of weeks that really grabbed me. Two were about my ex. *Shrug*

      It’s not anything too important yet. I could logically disqualify the one with my boss. And the ice, well, it was an unimportant detail.

      I’ll keep a sliver of attention on it for now. If it starts to become a serious question of reality, then I’ll get worried.

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