RIP Zen 9-12-2011

This will be updated throughout the day as I become a little more coherent.

Last night, someone in my neighborhood brutally murdered my kitten, Zen. They did so with a baseball bat. Today, my kitten was found on the sidewalk behind my house.

Update: 2:45PM EST
I couldn’t bring myself to go out there. I didn’t want to remember his corpse. I wanted to remember his beautiful olive, shining eyes and his black little nose. My dad offered. He worked Graves’ Registration in Vietnam. Death is something he can handle.

Before he could do it, Zen’s body was found by a loving neighbor who buried him. She gave him a final resting place in her own yard. I plan on carving a stone to mark it.

He was the sweetest, most social kitten in the world. He never tried to hurt anyone, and never even hissed at anyone. He was my baby and my best friend. He cuddled with me at night. When I would cry, he would retract his claws and paw my face to wipe the tears away. He always knew when there was something wrong, and he would do anything in the world to make it better. I loved him like family.

Today, all I have of him are his belongings and my memories. And all of the tears I’ve cried for him.

He was a baby, only 7 months old. He was murdered on his 7 month birthday. What kind of cruel, sick, vile, evil, fucking piece of shit monster would do that to the sweetest baby kitten? They deliberately did it! No one just carries a baseball bat! They killed my little kitty in cold blood!

I am so torn up about this. I loved him. I really did. And I have no idea how I can possibly honor a creature who had such a short existence in my life but made such a profound impact. How do I avenge him? How could I ever make this right?

I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. And I miss him so much. I will never forget him.

19 thoughts on “RIP Zen 9-12-2011

  1. That is terrible. Really awful. I have had a cat for maybe a year now and I know that I would be devastated by something like that. I hope you will consider getting another one in the future. Cat’s are such good company.

    • I used to joke that I had two boys, T.D. And Zen. One was my human baby and the other was my kitty baby. That kitten was one of the lights in my life. He was always a joy. Just yesterday, I sat and scratched his face and cooed at him. He always made me so happy. And one time, he was my savior. I was depressed, and he knew it. He always knew. And he refused to leave me alone. It’s like he knew I was going to hurt myself. Kitten or not, I wouldn’t do it in front of him. He took care of me, in a manner of speaking. And now, he is gone and all of that is gone with it.

      A friend’s neighbor just had a cat who had a litter. The kittens are far too young. I’m not ready yet. But maybe when they’re old enough, I will be. That’s still about 6 to 8 weeks from now.

    • Yeah, I’ll be OK with some time. I always follow the Kubler-Ross model for grief. I believe that it applies to many other situations than just facing one’s own death.

      I always first have a huge emotional response. It comes in the form of hysterical crying spells. Not in Kubler-Ross, but it’s just me.

      Then, there is the denial. It’s not active denial, just within me. I swear I heard him today. I saw a shadow dart into the kitchen. I opened the back door and paused for a moment to wait for him to come in. I almost absent-mindedly filled his food bowl today.

      There was anger. A lot of it. There still is. I was furiously screaming and crying about what an injustice this is. My kid’s babysitter tried to call off today because her boyfriend of two months broke up with her. I laid into her. I thought and talked about all of the things I would do for vengence.

      There was no bargaining. Nothing will bring him back. What’s done is done.

      Depression. That’s when I’m at right now. It’s not bipolar depression. It’s just plain old grieving. I’m all cried out for now. It’s just a heavy feeling in my chest. I have no interest in eating. *sigh*

      I just have to move to acceptance. I managed to make it this far since 10am. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll only remember the loss.

      My biggest fear is that I’m going to cycle again tomorrow morning. Something will set it off, like hearing something like a meow or seeing a shadow. I plan on collecting his things and putting them away in the basement. That way, I don’t have to be constantly reminded.

    • I’m moving into depression / acceptance.

      Something amazing happens when I walk through the doors of my work. I walked up the stairs and I saw the principal (cool guy) standing in the doorway while kids were being dismissed. (I work at an after-school program). I said hello to everyone, and suddenly, as always, everything melted away. Really, I don’t know what it is about that place. I was fine. In fact, by the time all of my 5th graders were seated for dinner, I was actually happy. I teared up a little when I was alone during my prep period, but once the Kindergarteners were there, I was great again. By the end of my evening, I was really OK.

      And then I got home. I’m still pretty upset, but I’m pretty numb about it now. I’ve cried all of the tears I have to cry today. I physically cannot produce any more. I put away all of his belongings and am going to start several projects to help me heal. I have accepted that he has died, and nothing I can say or do will ever change that. What’s done is done.

      That’s acceptance? Right? It doesn’t even pain me so badly to say it. The more I say it, the better I feel. He is gone. I will always remember him and the wonderful time we had together. May he rest in peace.

  2. Ugh reading what happened to your kitten made me feel absolutely sick. I can’t believe that there are actually people in the words who can be so cruel to something so innocent.

    I hope you’re doing okay, I would be such a wreck if this happened to me.

    • It’s getting easier. I thought the worst thing would be that I would wake up in the morning and forget what happened yesterday. And then, I’d remember all over again. I didn’t immediately remember, but when I was checking my BB and saw the messages and the graphics for the first time today, I teared up a little. I think I’m going to be ok.

    • Thank you so much. After we lit the candles, 30 in total, C.S. and I sat quietly for awhile. I made the graphics, and it started to make me feel better. Every little thing I do brings me closer to closure. I intend to carve a stone with his name on it as a grave marker. Then, I’ll probably be at peace with it.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear about your tragedy. I know how horrible it is to lose a pet, especially one who takes such good care of you. I cannot imagine the addition horror of losing a fur-child to violence. May your new angel bring some sense of peace.

    PS: Sorry I’m so late in responding but I’ve been having internet problems.

    • No problem. I have net problems too. Most of the time, I’m commenting and posting from my Blackberry.

      That is really the worst part about it. He did come to my side, always, without fail. It’s getting better. Lexx is still too young and small to do a lot of things for herself. It’s kind of nice to be a real kitten mommy. Zen was more of a buddy, but still a fur-baby. Lexx is really a baby kitten. She came to me before she was really ready to be away from her cat mom.

      It gets a little easier every day. I finally stopped watching for him running past me. He liked to get under people’s feet.

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