Meet Me in the Magnolia Tree

Firstly, I want to apologize to anyone who was alarmed by my absence. I always hate when I hurt people by my actions. I should have put a message out there first.

We’ve seen the trend. I have been suffering crippling depression and I’ve been dragging it around like a heavy weight with me. Every hour, of every day has been brutally agonizing. I have been trapped in my head, trying so hard to not let it bleed over into my life. I went as far as I could. And then I collapsed.

I wrote a rambling word document after days of crying episodes spilling everything that was wrong. It didn’t help.

I turned my phone off. I didn’t need anymore than I already had. If I was going to be alone, then I was really going to be totally alone. I went nearly catatonic. I didn’t speak much. I tried desperately to stay as horizontal as possible. I didn’t want to write. I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to stare into space. I wanted the numbness to come. And it never did.

My phone was off for 5 days. And everyone was none the wiser. I discovered this and sunk further. So much for friends.

I am not in a good place. I keep sinking farther and farther, frozen in place as I go down. I’m trapped in my head. I can’t solve any of my problems. I feel hopeless to even try anymore.

I reach out for help to the people who are supposed to be the closest, and I am left hanging on the branch, clinging to it, trying to avoid the fall. I don’t. I always hit with a thud, more shattered every time.

So I reach out to you, like I should have in the first place. Help. Please help me. I don’t know how I can keep going on and there’s no way out. I’m trapped. I’m hurting, confused, and I only want to hide. But there’s no place to do it.

Please. Grab me on that branch.

10 thoughts on “Meet Me in the Magnolia Tree

  1. Oh, Luna – I wish there were something magical I could say that would make you feel better – but we both know there isn’t. There are people out here in the virtual world who are missing you and who are very concerned. Since I can’t do much from where I’m sitting, is there anyone in your real world who can help get you to your Dr?

    • Thank you so much 🙂 I’m so sorry I disappeared. It probably did me a lot more harm than good. And I know I worried a lot of people. I should know by now that dark words are better than none at all.

      So I ask you, all of my friends here, to call me out if you suspect something. If you think I need to take an action, especially something like calling my doctor, like that very second, then don’t hesitate to say so.

      The people in my IRL “support network” will do anything to keep me out of the hospital.

      One reason is their concern as to how it will affect my career. Will I be able to get security clearences if I have a hospitalization on my record? I suspect I would because of HIPPA. But I still have to have a staff health assessment each year. My doctor was about to fail me last year because my vision wasn’t great. Would he fail me if I had a hospitilization?

      The rest are selfish reasons. We’d lose income if I missed work. Who would take care of T.D.? C.S. Might have to miss work if I was in the hospital. It would inconvenience everyone. The Rents might have to watch T.D. So C.S. Can work. Oh no! And oh gawd, what if someone were to find out about it?!

      So, I trust the people who know BP best. That’s you guys.

  2. So sorry that you are experiencing one of the downturns into the pit of hell. I will pray for you. Have you contacted your psychiatrist? your therapist?
    When I was at a very low point, it took all the courage I had to call someone to come visit me. I really wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to see anyone. BUT, I knew that the behavior and thoughts would just keep spiraling downward.
    You ARE being held up by all of us reading this blog. We care about you. We can’t physically help you but we can pray for help and healing.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t know what to do, honestly.

      I’m going to see my Pdoc tomorrow for a med adjustment. I think I need to go up on my mood stabilizer. It’s been over six months since my last increase, so it makes sense. I need something for sleep because the insomnia is compounding the problem.

      I don’t know how to approach anyone about this. My family is less than helpful. My husband and I actually got into a fight yesterday because he decided that he wanted to criticize my behavior. And I can’t say that I have anyone close to me that’s well versed in this. I don’t like raising alarms. Most people really terribly overreact.

      I’m glad for everyone here. Sometimes, this is the only relief I get.

      Any suggestions on how to get hubby on board? It really kills me how he turns his back on this – after two years of diagnosis…

  3. I don’t know about the hubby, I steer clear of those. But hold on, sweetie. We’ve got you and we’re looking out for you. I will hold that branch with my willpower alone. You just have to promise to hang on tightly.

    • I promise. I will grab that branch with everything I have.

      Thank you so much. It’s so uplifting to have so many people who look out and care for me. It gives me the strength to get through the bad times and the inspiration to give others when they are going through bad times.

  4. Pingback: Graphic Media Additions « As the Pendulum Swings

  5. Pingback: Graphic Media Additions « As the Pendulum Swings

  6. Pingback: Taking the Bullet « As the Pendulum Swings

Any thoughts to contibute?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s